my ex-boss is telling my husband I cheated on him

A reader writes:

Long story short, my ex-boss was my best friend for ten years but we couldn't work together. He fired me from the small delivery company we both worked at in May. In July, he sent a text message to my husband saying "If you want to divorce her, I can give you dates and times of the men." He got this phone number from my personnel file. 

I emailed him and another boss and told him getting into my personnel file was illegal, especially 2 months after I was terminated. He has a hot temper. THEN two more calls to my husband's phone and three to our house. Can he legally do this?

This is a 15-person company with no HR. He does payroll and hiring through a company. Is there any legal recourse for his actions? I have documented proof from the cell phone and home phone company. Can he legally contact my husband at a phone number which was never given to him but he got out of my personnel file? Two months after I was fired?

I don't usually publish letters just to say "I don't know" but ... I don't know.  My hunch is that he probably didn't violate any employment law, although he did violate the law of Don't Be an Enormous Ass. But I'm not a lawyer and it's entirely possible that there are legal ramifications here. It's also possible that he's violating harassment laws, or that you have an actionable invasion of privacy claim, totally separate from employment laws.

If you want to pursue this, I'd recommend speaking with a lawyer immediately. 

Any lawyers want to weigh in?

my coworker is physically bullying me

A reader writes:

I support a team of professionals and one of them has what I call “personal space issues.” He stands uncomfortably close to me, causing me to move away and when we pass each other in the hallway or common areas, he walks right towards me, forcing me to maneuver around him or go another way so that I do not have to touch him. (He also stares at me when ever he passes my desk). He is the type of man that makes your skin crawl.

Recently we collided in the hall. (And these are very wide halls.) He caught me completely off guard so I couldn’t get out of his way fast enough. I saw him coming toward me out of the corner of my eye and at the last second was able to turn enough that he clipped me sideways but is was a hard enough that I was knocked several steps back. I was completely shocked and said “WHAT THE HELL?” He kept right on going.

Fortunately another professional saw the whole thing and asked in rhetorical disbelief if he had really just run into me. She was as irritated as I was. She said his behavior is a “power thing” (machismo) and indeed I would liken it to the bully who walks down the middle of the hall shoving kids into the lockers.

I reported this to his supervisor, who advised me to talk to him and if he does anything else, to let the supervisor know. The next day I did talk to him, or tried to. At first adamantly denied it, but when I pointed out that it was witnessed, then insisted that he said “Excuse me.” I tried to address all the other near misses but he just kept talking over me saying in an increasingly hostile tone of voice, “I said excuse me.” I looked him straight in the eye and told him in no uncertain terms, “Do not touch me again” and left.

I emailed his supervisor letting him know that I followed his direction and the outcome. Later I did get an emailed apology from the bully but he also said he did not appreciate the way I talked to him.

A few days later, he nearly ran over me again, but this time stopped, blocked my way and condescendingly grilled me to “make sure I was okay” with a sneer on his face.

Two more important things: He is personal friends with his supervisor and our “HR department” consists of one woman who doesn’t want to hear any “drama.” She is also my supervisor and an owner of the company. 

I am a very small, not-so-young woman. This man is younger and over 6 feet tall. Do I need to tell you that I am extremely uncomfortable going to work now? What would you suggest in a situation like this?

There is no possible way that this is okay. He's physically intimidating you, and became more intimidating after you complained. This isn't just a bullying issue (although that would be bad enough); it's also potentially a physical safety issue -- and your management is insane if they don't see it that way after hearing what you laid out here.

Return to his supervisor -- who, don't forget, specifically asked you to keep him updated. Let him know that after the "apology," this guy physically blocked your way in the hallway, berated you condescendingly about whether you were okay, and generally had a hostile and threatening demeanor. Say these words: "I now feel targeted by ___ and he is making me feel uncomfortable about my own safety."

You also really, really should talk to your own manager, explain what's happened, state that he's making you feel physically uncomfortable and threatened, and insist it be handled. She may not like hearing about "drama," but I doubt this is the type of thing she was referring to when she said that. Any boss who wouldn't want to know that this was going on doesn't deserve the job ... particularly a boss who happens to work in HR, which means she should be very aware of the company's obligations in a situation like this.

Really, don't mess around with this. Go talk to both bosses.

You tried handling it directly with the guy and he's now forced your hand. You are not the problem here, and you shouldn't let anyone make you feel you are.

temp worker's new account manager is a jerk

A reader writes:

I work for a temp agency and a new account manger took over there. The first call he made to me I thought was disrespectful and unprofessional.

Without going into the whole conversation, he was angry that I did not respond to his email, which I had and told him that I had (I forwarded a copy of the sent email after the call ended). He told me "I pay your bills," which I thought was disrespectful. I pay my bills after working every week for 40 hours for his client. The only thing he does is approve the hours I have worked, he doesn't even sign my paycheck. 

He then told me that he wanted my time card in every Monday morning and "DO I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?" which I thought was combative. I mean, why would I have a problem sending him my time card?

The tone and manner in which he spoke to me has me baffled. He doesn't know me or even know what I do for his client and I thought he was way out of line.

He wants to have a face to face and in that meeting, I would like to very calmly tell him how uncomfortable I was and that the tone and manner in which he spoke to me is unacceptable. Any suggestions?

Wow. This guy sounds like an ass.

If I were in your shoes, I would say something like the following, calmly and professionally: "I appreciate the chance to get to talk to you face-to-face. I've always had a very good experience with XYZ Agency, which has always treated me in a professional and supportive manner and made me feel me feel valued. In light of that experience, and the fact that I've always been reliable and responsive, your tone the other day surprised me. I might have misinterpreted, but are there any concerns about my work that would have caused that?"

Obviously, even if there were concerns about your work, it doesn't justify him behaving that way. But this is a good question to ask to frame the conversation. And if he does somehow come up with any concerns, say, "I really appreciate you telling me that, and I'm always appreciative of feedback. I'd ask, however, that we both talk to each other with respect, even if there's a problem to be discussed. I've always found XYZ Agency to be great at doing that, and it's one of the things that made me choose this agency to work for." (This last part is a good way to diplomatically suggest that he may be unaligned with how his employer does things, and to emphasize that you are choosing to work there and have options.)

Now, some bullies react poorly when someone stands up to them. But some back down pretty fast when someone shows they won't stand for rudeness. You won't know which kind you're dealing with until you try, but if he continues being a jerk at this point, you'll need to decide how much you want to continue working for this agency if you're going to have to deal with him.

You might also consider going over his head and talking to someone else there -- if I were his manager, I'd sure as hell want to know that he was alienating people for no reason. But that approach carries the risks that (a) his manager won't care and he'll hear about it and be even worse to you or (b) his manager will care, but not enough to stop him from subtly screwing you over in regard to future work assignments. So for that, you need to really know what your bottom line is -- are you willing to risk those things, or would you rather play it safe even if it means accepting this kind of treatment?

bad candidate behavior: "sorry about 4 years ago, but can I have a job now?"

The year: 2006

The situation: I've made a job offer to a senior-level candidate, who seemed enthusiastic and asked for a couple of days to get back to me with a formal answer. It's now been several days, and he hasn't gotten back to me with an answer. I've reach out by phone and email, explaining we have a deadline, and he ignores me. I indicate that I have another candidate who I need to get back to. He doesn't respond at all, and I never hear from him again.

Until ...

2010: He applies for a different position with the same organization! He mentions in his cover letter that he "had the opportunity" to meet with us a few years ago but "ultimately wasn't able to accept the job." No mention that he disappeared with explanation.

I, of course, have a mind like a steel trap -- a steel trap, I am telling you -- and immediately realize this is the guy who went AWOL four years ago. So I write back:

It's nice to hear from you. However, after we offered you a position in 2006, we never heard back from you either way, despite calling and emailing in an attempt to reach you. Can you shed any light on what happened then?

He responds:

I sincerely apologize for not contacting you regarding the previous position for which I interviewed. I recognize, as I did at the time, that it was a unique opportunity to do tremendous work on behalf of the organization. Unfortunately, at the time I was unable to accept the position for financial reasons. It was an incredibly difficult decision that I deeply regret, and at the time I simply could not bring myself to formally turn down what I knew was the chance of a lifetime.  

Seriously.

Where to begin? Okay, first of all, saying, basically, "I prioritized my own feelings of regret above courtesy, general professionalism, and your ability to move forward with your work" is a really, really bad thing to convey. How could you think this is a good explanation? (It's also probably BS. I doubt that he really felt emotionally unable to turn the position down; he's just looking for something to make it okay now, because he wants a job.)

Plus, applying again without even trying to address what happened earlier is weirdly cavalier. Really weirdly cavalier.

The lesson: Behave well, even when you think the other person doesn't have anything you want. Also, more generally, don't be an ass.

when I asked for a raise, my boss responded, "who should I fire?"

A reader writes:

I'm in the media world. I'm emphasizing this because it seems that every attempt at getting advice use it seems that every attempt at getting advice for any work-related issue ends with "Hey, it's media, the rules don't apply." Maybe you can help me.

My boss is a monster. Exceptionally inappropriate, emotionally abusive, manipulative, etc. I've dealt with it. But what happened to really set me off was the following: After 3 years+ at my current job title, I asked for a promotion. My workload had increased by 70%, my responsibilities are in-line with those of a higher title, I've put in another jobs' worth of extra hours--all without sacrificing quality. Other co-workers had received the promotion to my desired title, though their workloads had not increased, etc. So I thought I was pretty good for the bump finally. I asked professionally and received the following response: "As much as I want to, you're definitely qualified, you do an exceptional job, but in order to do that...I'd have to fire another person to justify to our CEO the title change. Who should I fire?"

I believe I sat there, a bit dumbfounded, and instead asked what I could do to get the title change. "Nothing, you're definitely doing the work and you're more than qualified." She said that she could make a case for me in a few months, during budget review, but couldn't make any promises. Since then, she's told all of my coworkers how I asked for a promotion and did not get one.

These are all inappropriate things, right? I'm losing my perspective as to if this is an OK thing for her to do. 

Yes, it's highly inappropriate.

First of all, she can't change your title without firing someone? That's BS. And even it were somehow true, which it's not, her asking you, "Who should I fire?" is a transparent and disgusting attempt to manipulate you into backing down. 

Look, maybe she really is facing budget constraints, but a good manager would have said, "I agree that your work is great and warrants a promotion. Unfortunately, I don't have a slot to promote you into right now, and my hands are tied from above. But I'm committed to making sure your work is recognized, and we're revisiting the budget in two months, and I'm going to see what I can do then. Meanwhile, what else can we do to ensure you feel valued?"

Second, she told all your coworkers that you asked for a promotion and didn't get one? I cannot imagine in what context she would bring this up, or why. It's astonishingly unprofessional.

This woman is a jerk, plain and simple. Go get that promotion from another company.

my boss acts like I'm on-call day and night

In response to an earlier post about calling coworkers at night or over the weekend, I wrote that (a) it can be okay if you know they're fine with it, which some people are, (b) you should avoid doing it if you're a manager, even if you know/think they're fine with it, because most people will be less comfortable telling you "no," and (c) it's never okay if you're not sure where they stand on receiving such calls, unless it's an extreme emergency. One commenter wrote this in response:

While I agree with everyone who said "just don't pick up," what about working with coworkers and managers who just don't get that? My boss and a coworker (who has been with my boss for a long time and modeled his behavior after hers) have a nasty habit of calling at ALL HOURS. I've gotten calls at 3 a.m. on a Friday, midnight on a Tuesday, 6 a.m. on a Wednesday, you name it. And if you don't pick up, they just keep on calling and calling until you do! In fact, I once had to field calls from my boss, who was in a complete tizzy, one weekend day when the part-time employee who I supervise wasn't picking up his phone, despite the fact it was his day off. Turns out he'd gone to the beach, again as it was his day off, and his phone was out of range -- but our boss was livid (how dare he not pick up).

It's never an emergency, but the culture in my office is EVERYTHING is urgent. Seriously -- I was lectured once because, after working till 9 p.m. I mentioned to my boss that I was glad we'd finished that project, even if we had to stay so late, because I was hosting a Thanksgiving dinner at my house the next day (a weekend). And she asked me what made me think I could have a party on a weekend -- she might need me.

Same goes for vacation: I was on unpaid leave at home when my grandmother died, and received almost hourly emails, texts and calls. When I was unable to answer or reply, as I was in the hospital while she was dying unable to use my cell, I was berated for having my priorities out of wack. However, god help the person who calls my boss on her weekends or vacations: even if we need approvals from her to continue the work, if we interupt her we're going to be screamed at.

So my question for all of you: if office culture is so important, how does one change it? 

There are two different issues here: the question of how to change an office culture, and the question of your crazy, out-of-line boss.

Because let's be clear: Your boss is completely, 100% over the line, unreasonable, deluded, and a jerk. You were berated for having your priorities out of whack when a family member was dying? You were told that you couldn't have a party over a weekend because she "might" need you? What is this job exactly, member of the president's cabinet? 

Did you knowingly sign up for this? When you were hired, were you told that you'd be expected to be on-call 24-7? I'm betting not. This is not reasonable. This is not even approaching reasonable.

You know, some bosses really don't understand how this is supposed to work because no one has ever taught them that it's not okay, and it's possible to get through to them if you approach it correctly. And if that were the case here, I would advise talking with her and explaining that the vast majority of people need to have actual time off, time that's your own, time when you'll only be contacted by work if it's a true emergency (and make sure you define what that is). And that your company will have trouble retaining good employees in the long-run if they deny them this type of quality of life, because what good person with options wouldn't rather go somewhere that respects her personal life? Some bosses do respond to this conversation, especially if it comes from someone with high value to the company and/or influence.

But her problems go beyond that kind of naivete and bad judgment -- because she's also a jerk. And thus, while you could attempt this conversation, my expectations are not high that it will get you anywhere. She is a tyrant, and she's likely a tyrant in other areas too, not just this one. So my advice is to get the hell out. Start looking for an employer who understands that your paycheck does not buy your life, and that treating people badly is not a long-term strategy for success.

Now, on the more general question of how one can change office culture: It can be done, but it's really hard. It requires a serious commitment from people at the top of the organization, or at least from someone in a key leadership role with a lot of credibility and influence, and even then it's hard. When the culture you want to change is really the boss, the odds are so against you that I would again say to leave and find somewhere that operates in a way more aligned with your values. I know it's easier said than done, but once you do it, you'll wonder why you ever waited.

update about the boss who's angry over two weeks notice

Yesterday I printed a letter from someone whose boss was angry that she had only given two weeks notice and was pushing her to give at least a month. Because her boss had always been a jerk, I advised her that she should hold firm and stick to her original plan. She's now written back with this update:

Thanks so much for answering my question yesterday. Your advice and that of the commenters was invaluable. I have a follow up question, though, that I'd be very grateful to get your perspective on.

So, after I said I couldn't extend my notice past two weeks, the situation has now gotten to the point where I would label it abusive. Just this morning, my actions -- which I've done my absolute best to keep courteous and professional -- have been called "unprofessional," "a betrayal," and "an insult." My manager sat me down and berated me and even insulted me personally for 15 minutes, then copied me on a very nasty email to the head of the office and another manager here. I was also copied on the reply from the other manager, who called my actions "odd" and "hostile."

I have done nothing more than give my two weeks notice -- which at this company is seen as a betrayal apparently -- but that is all I have done. I'm now contemplating leaving even earlier though, as the work environment has really gotten hostile.

I am not due to get my final paycheck until the end of the month (we are paid monthly, so if I leave today, I still have 19 days pay owed to me). What is the likelihood that I would receive this paycheck at all if I left today? I'd like to walk out today, especially if it gets worse, but I need that final paycheck to tide me over until my new job starts in September. For those of you with experience in this, do you think they'd withhold that check at this point? I can't really afford a legal battle, so if that's a possibility, I just have to stick this out until I have it in hand...

As I said in the comments yesterday, unless they become outright abusive, you should work out the full two weeks because it's the professional thing to do, even if they themselves aren't professional. Additionally, you don't want them to be able to tell people in the future that you "didn't even give two weeks."

However. The caveat there was "unless they become outright abusive." 

You have three options at this point:

#1. Tolerate it. Suck it up and deal with it, knowing that it's only two weeks, and knowing that you're about to escape this forever, so who cares how crazy they become? This option gives you peace of mind about your paycheck. It also ensures, as someone pointed out in the comments yesterday, that the worst they can say about you in a reference check is that you "only gave two weeks notice" (unless they're willing to lie, which of course they might be). 

If you take this option, look at their craziness as entertainment and fantastic future stories.

#2. Leave now. Tell your boss, "Your treatment of me since I gave notice is unprofessional and hostile. I'm not willing to be subjected to that, so today will be my last day." Be prepared to leave immediately, as their reaction will probably require it. (This means have your stuff all packed up, personal stuff removed from your computer, etc.)

#3. A middle ground. Sit down with your boss and say, "I'm sorry you're upset with my two weeks notice. Two weeks is a very common professional standard. However, it's clear that you're upset with me. Is it still fine for me to be in the office for the next two weeks, or would it better for everyone if I were to leave now?"

She will probably rant at you about how of course you need to be there for the next two weeks. At that point, say, "I'd like to work the remaining two weeks and I don't want to leave anyone in the lurch. However, I need to be treated professionally during that time. I very much want to use the next two weeks to put my projects in order, write up documentation to leave behind, and so forth, but I do have a bottom line as far as respectful treatment. I'm not willing to continue to be berated for my decision. If we can't work together without the hostility, it would be better for everyone if I left now."

If the hostility continues, then you revert to option #2. (And be prepared for her to explode with hostility and tell you to get out immediately.)

Now, as for your paycheck, the law is very clear that they need to pay you for the days you've worked. But that doesn't mean that they will, of course. I recommend checking out wage laws for your state, because some of them require that a final paycheck be issued within 24 hours or other short periods, and if that's the case in your state, you can follow up with them about your check right away, rather than having to wait and see how they handle payroll at the end of the month. There are also fines for violating those laws, so if they have any sense at all, they'll conclude it's not worth the hassle to them. (Email me and let me know what state you're in, and I'll walk you through how to research this and how to approach them about it.)

In the future, I'd plan to warn reference-checkers that these people imploded when you gave notice. A good reference-checker will understand -- and hopefully by that point you'll have plenty of references from sane people at the new job you're about to start.

congratulations, you've won the chance to promote online diploma mills!

About a week ago, I received an email from Emma Lee of "Awarding the Web," telling me that I had been named a 2010 Top 40 Human Resources Blog. All I had to do to "claim" my award was to agree to post the award badge on my site. She added, "If you choose not to accept the award, please let me know, so we can give your spot to the next person on our list. We work hard to put these awards together, with zero outside financial assistance, and we don't want these awards to go to waste."

I thought this was pretty damn weird -- I've been named on similar awards lists in the past and no one has ever told me that I had to "agree" to be named a top blog, or that I had to promote the award on my site or it would be taken away. They're basically giving away spots to bloggers who agree to promote them, making it not much of a list.

So I ignored them.

Yesterday, I got another email, reminding me that I hadn't yet posted my award badge and adding:

"If you choose to decline our award, please respond by Monday, July 26. The only reason we ask this is because if you choose to decline or not recognize our award, then let us know so your colleagues who could qualify for the award have a chance at recognition and take your spot. Dennis and I work too hard on these awards for it to be discarded, as this is our passion. We just want our award winners not only to appreciate our award, but also to understand what our ultimate goal is; to take away awards from marketing companies and make them back into what they should be: awards."

What's funny about this is that Emma Lee and Dennis Anderson are a marketing company, running a scam to get free promotion on well-trafficked blogs. After some back and forth with Emma about their questionable business model, a little online research quickly revealed that they're sponsored by a consortium of online diploma mills that are trying to shore up their credibility. 

I'm taking up your time with this only because I'm disgusted by this and want to out this silly little scam. Now back to our regular programming...

my boss is hostile and abusive and won't train me

A reader writes:

I recently stumbled across your blog and love it! I have read through many of your posts looking for advice on terrible, micromanaging bosses who communicate poorly, yell and belittle frequently, and seem to play favorites in the office.

I've been here less than a year and have never received any formal training. I was told that I was hired at a high level and should "just know". When I press for details or clarity, it is met with tremendous frustration and ridicule by the boss. I have had no experience in the industry and my boss knew that when she hired me. I get yelled at on a day to day basis. I am told my decisions are poor and that I don't look at the big picture. My boss frequently has other employees check my work. It's always degrading.

I can't really figure out the issues and have actually tried to ask her directly and have been open to feedback. Asking questions only inspires more hostility, so I've given up. I'm not even performing the type of work that was described to me during my job interview. I am trying to just keep a low profile as I search for other work.

Since the economy is so poor, I'm anticipating having to put up with more of this abuse for at least a few more months. I just want to make it as painless as possible. I can't really afford to be unemployed at this point. My question... much of your advice involves bringing HR into the situation. So, where do you go if the boss, the Senior Director of HR, is the problem?

Actually, I avoid recommending HR for issues like this. I'm a big fan of trying to work things out directly with your manager -- because while some HR types can help in situations like this, a lot can't ... and when you don't find that out until after you've already gone to them, it can poison the relationship with your boss further. So you really, really want to ask yourself what you know about what sort of track record you've seen HR (or in your case, another higher-level manager, someone senior to your boss) have with other people in situations like this. If you know they're discreet, fair, and willing to intervene when someone is being mistreated, ask for help. But if you aren't sure, be aware that it's a gamble.

Here's what I think is going on, based on the information here: Your boss hired someone without experience to do a job that requires experience, or at least training. And your boss is not just a jerk, but also a bad manager. And as a result, she's taking a problem of her own making -- hiring someone without the necessary experience -- and taking it out on you.

Yelling is never acceptable. Refusing to give you feedback or answer questions? Pretty much shooting herself in the foot, guaranteeing that the problems that are causing her so much frustration are going to continue. Keeping an employee who is clearly struggling, but not actually handling the situation (whether through coaching or training or even just candid conversations)? Really bad management. Dereliction of duty, in fact.

Because it's possible that you are indeed a really bad fit for this job. But a good manager would either provide you with training and coaching, and/or would have clear and straightforward conversations with you about what you need to be doing differently (eventually leading to a candid conversation about whether continued tenure in the role makes sense). But just keeping you around and being abusive? That screams "bad manager who doesn't know how to do her job."

(By the way, having others check your work and assigning you different tasks than what you were hired to do may be a reasonable response to realizing that you're not excelling at the work. But certainly not without talking to you about what's going on and why.)

So what do you do, while you're looking for another job? It's tough to say. If your boss were a better manager, the path would be pretty clear -- talk with her candidly about her obvious frustration, ask for feedback, and probably take the steps in this post on what to do if you think you're going to get fired.

But she's not a good manager, and speaking assertively with her about the situation might lead to her either exacting revenge further or just firing you. My best advice -- and it's not a great option -- is to document what's going on, so that if she does fire you, you have documentation of the fact that you've asked repeatedly for training and feedback but were refused and that she behaves abusively toward you. This could come in handy for (a) ensuring that you're eligible to collect unemployment in case the company contests it and (b) getting the company (someone over her head) to agree not to give you a negative reference.

And last, as you're looking forward to your next job, look back and ask yourself whether -- in retrospect -- you could have done anything to have avoided this situation before accepting the job. Were there warning signs? Did you not ask many questions about the training that you'd need? Did you not talk about the manager's style? Not to blame the victim, of course, and plenty of employers misrepresent things during the hiring process, but it's worth asking if there are ways to avoid a similar situation in the future.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this and hope you get out soon. Good luck!

survived office burglary, then ostracized by boss

A reader writes:

A few months ago, I was the only person in the office over a holiday. Lucky me, the office got broken into. I noticed the thieves before they noticed me, and I barricaded myself in my office and called 911.

But instead of being hailed as a hero, I was surprised by the treatment I got from my boss, the big boss, and HR. First, they told me that I should tell the police that I had not been authorized to work that day, which isn't true! I was scheduled to work that day. I told the police the truth, and when I was subpoenaed to testify at the robbery trial, I told the truth there, too.

Since the robbery, everyone has been treating me terribly. I'm being given bizarre administrative tasks to complete (I do not have an administrative role) and am regularly dumped on by my boss. It feels as though they are trying to get me to quit since they knew they can't fire me. Obviously, time for a new job, and I've been conducting a job search on my own time. I have a third-round interview this week and I feel it's likely I'll be offered the job, but what do I tell them when they ask why I'm leaving my current one? I know my current one won't give a reference, and it's clear they feel disinclined to help me out in any circumstance.

For what it's worth, I'm actually considering litigation against my current job for failing to protect me while I worked alone in an office that has a history of break-ins, and I've got a good case for negligence.

What the hell?!

Seriously, what the hell?

I'm not a lawyer so I don't know if you have a legal case, but what I do know is that your employer is handling this very, very weirdly. You survived a scary and dangerous situation on the job, and now they're telling you to lie and treating you badly? A good manager would have told you to tell the truth, given you a few days off, and been extra nice to you when you came back. I'm glad you're getting out of there.

If you're already on your third-round interview and haven't yet been asked why you're leaving your current job, you may never be asked. But if you are, it's fine to say that you work alone in an office that has had a series of break-in's and after being there for the last one, you've decided to move on. That's reasonable. You don't need to get into your office's weird behavior toward you, since you're able to offer an honest explanation without having to badmouth anyone.

But jeez. Your office sucks.

current employer won't give me a reference

A reader writes:

The company I work for has a no-reference policy. From what I can gather, it's because the managers I work for aren't permitted to speak about my performance on behalf of their area managers.

I have worked for the company for 2.5 yrs and have performed well, risen to supervisor, and have received prizes for doing so. However, I didn't finish high school and have wanted to get more qualifications.

I asked my managers if they could write me a reference for my college application, and they said they'd write a character one. I brought in the form and they informed me they couldn't write that as head office told them it would be in breach of the aforementioned reference policy (it took them two weeks to inform me of that). I then asked what they could do within those parameters. They then told me they could give me a reference that was very basic, giving details of how much I'm paid, how many hours I'm contracted for and title within the company etc. Three weeks after I handed them my college application and they have put it off for ages despite me being on their case all the time to ask them to get it done.

I have contacted them outside of work hours asking about it, and they've told me that they're still writing it "off their own backs" and have implied that I should be grateful they're doing it at all. On top of it all, because of all their delays and recent snow I haven't been able to contact the University about the problem.

Am I asking too much of my employer? Are they within their rights not to right me a reference at all, even a basic one?

I'm one of the longest serving members of staff and feel I deserve more.

Are they within their rights? Sure. Is something else going on here? Yes.

That something else is one of two things:

1. They don't feel they could honestly give you a good reference, and they're too weak to come out and tell you that.

or

2. They're rude/inconsiderate/lazy/jerks/all of the above.

If they felt they couldn't give you a good reference, they should have just explained that and not jerked you around. And what's this business about saying they'd give you a "character reference" rather than a performance reference and then not even coming through with that?

At this point, I would give up on getting a reference from them and find a way to complete your application without them. Even if they come through with the bare bones reference they're not promising (pay, hours, and title), I don't think that's something likely to be useful for a college application anyway.

I would also start seriously questioning what kind of people you might be working for, and feeling good about the fact that you're on your way out of there.

when a recruiter asks for your height, weight, age, and marital status

A reader writes:

I sent a resume to a recruiter and he then sent me a survey to complete. The survey was laden with questions that are illegal to ask in the employment process. Yet several friends of mine said this is how employers are bypassing EEO requirements. They simply use an outside firm and say, "We want an unmarried male under the age of 30 with the appropriate height and weight." They can't advertise this but they can certainly tell the recruiting firm they want this profile in a candidate. As an older career changer on the stocky side, I tend to rather sensitive about questions about my marital status, height and weight.

I stated this in my response to this particular recruiter and I was amazed by his email to me, which follows:

Thanks for responding - in reference to your comments - we don't discriminate for any reason - it is illegal to not hire someone because of their answers to those questions...frankly, we don't care..it is just information that many times we are asked by clients - it may open a door, not close one. We are not the enemy, we are your best ally - we try to get you in the door.

I'm amazed that people fill that information out in every other walk of life..i.e...life insurance forms, license forms, census.. etc.. and they never complain.

This reader forwarded me the questionnaire he was asked to fill out. Here are the questions it contains, in its entirety:

1) Current or most recent base salary? Bonus earned? Auto program?
2) Do you own your home? Are you open to relocation? Any location preferences?
3) Are you married? Children?
4) What is your birth date? Health? Height? Weight?
5) Why are you looking for a new opportunity?
6) If separated from company – separation date?
7) Any special parameters you want us to keep in mind for your search?
8) Any other information you feel we should know that is not on your resume?

As I've said before, the act of asking about things like marriage, children, and age isn't illegal, but considering the answers in an employment decision is. So it's just stupid to ask them, and anyone who's done hiring and ever talked to a lawyer doesn't use them. (In the U.S., that is. I know they're not uncommon elsewhere.)

This questionnaire is amazing. Who is this recruiter? (Also, how stupid is he? If he really wanted to know this stuff, he could figure most of it out in person through casual conversation.)

I especially love his last paragraph, defending himself. You fill out this information on insurance forms (where it's, uh, relevant), so why not turn it all over to him too? And why not throw in a naked photo while you're at it?

Anyone want to take a whack at this guy? Or defend him?

dealing with possible racial discrimination when interviewing

A reader writes:

I have a general question regarding minorities and employers. I am an African-American female, who like many Americans is out of work and looking, which means continuously applying for jobs. I can say with full confidence that I fit the requirements, but when it comes to filling out voluntary EEOC questions that ask one's race and sex, I hesitate.

I understand that the question is optional, but I have talked to other minorities who were greeted with mild shock when hiring managers meet them. I have been on a few interviews where I didn’t get the job, and although I can never prove it, I felt that race may have been a factor. ( Example: I had 2 previous phone interviews, the position sounded promising and when they met me in person, I could sense their shock and mild disappointment.) The majority of these positions were/are at executive levels.

This is somewhat frustrating, and I sometimes feel like I should somehow inform all employers beforehand. As much as I would like to believe that racial bias wasn’t involved, I am also aware that America has more growing to do in that area. As a female, I’m sure you might be able to relate to this type of discrimination. I am familiar with EEOC guidelines, but since there is no way to prove that a job wasn’t earned because of race, there is no way to make a case.

I guess my general question is: Is it better to let the employer know that you are a minority beforehand to save time for the both of us, or is it better to ignore the question, hope for an interview and then prove why you are a minority that would fit in? If you could give me some insight, it would mean everything.

Hmmm. If we were going to look at this strictly logically, if you think that you're encountering hiring managers who are discriminating against you because of race, and you just want to avoid them altogether, then I suppose you could argue that you should fill out the EEOC questions in the hope of screening out companies like that.

But that doesn't feel very good. It might be a practical answer in the very short-term, but it's not an effective one in a larger sense, because it allows those people to go on comfortably practicing something odious.

But yet I don't know what a good answer is. I want to say that you should write those people off as someone you don't want to work for/with anyway, just like you'd write off people who were jerks in other ways ... but this is different, because it isn't really just jerkiness; it's something more sinister and damaging. And I don't want to make it easy on them.

What do others think a good answer is here?

(And also, here's a plea for people reading this to take the opportunity to be extra aware of this kind of thing and do what we can to counteract it if we suspect it's at work in our colleagues or ourselves.)

former boss is waging campaign of harassment against me

A reader writes:

I used to be quite good friends with my immediate manager; I met her through her brother, who I was very close to, and for a while we actually lived together. Then it all fell to pieces. On a personal level, we had a falling out (she stole a large amount of liquor from a friend after a party, the second time she'd done this, and when I discovered it, I called her out on it- something I hadn't done before).

She immediately began taking it out on me at work. We lived together, and till that point had commuted together in her car- now I had to find my own way. She didn't have hiring or firing power over me, however she found ways to make my job harder, and make me look incompetent. She developed the habit of eavesdropping at my door when I was on the phone and busting in to scream at me when we were home, so I took to going down the block whenever I had to call someone. Finally, she told me to move out. I thought it was all over, especially after she got a new position at a different company and moved on. I was unofficially promoted, and have been in her old role now for almost eight months.

But it wasn't over. Since she's left, she's waged a personal campaign against me with our mutual friends- this I can handle. What I can't is when it bleeds into the workplace. She's stated that the worst thing that ever happened to her was my moving to this city (I moved for my job under her), and that she wants me to die, or failing that, to move away as no one- professionally or personally- wants me here. She has a good relationship with my boss, who isn't exactly stable herself, after working together for several years, and still has professional contact with our company, not to mention she's still working in my field and has contact with many people I deal with in one way or another. She's approached my boss on several occasions, unsolicited, to express 'concerns' over my competency, my behavior, my professionalism, and my ability to do her old job. She's sent emails after projects my company did that she was involved with, which she knows, if they were actual concerns, should be sent to me as she used to BE me, to all my other coworkers (it's a small team), demanding changes after the fact and blaming me for not reading her mind or jumping at her command (in that situation she was a participant, not a client, which meant my judgement was the ruling factor, not her wishes). Most recently, she's started spewing even more hate filled rhetoric about me (never naming names but it's a small city and she's not a subtle woman) all over social media sites about me- this pops up every few weeks, that she'll start again. She presents herself as the victim who had to deal with me, or a passive aggressive concern. While socially people aren't buying it (she's lapsed one too many times into outright lunacy, not to mention obvious history-rewriting), in professional circumstances I worry she may be convincing.

I have no unnecessary contact with this women. When I deal with her professionally, I am professional and polite. Personally, I have no dealings with her at all. I've made it my policy to just bite my tongue, and not feed into this. However, this has to stop. I'm worried it could effect my current job, and it could have repercussions on future jobs- she was my direct supervisor, after all. Most importantly, my boss would like to bring her back as a consultant for several meetings about a recent relaunch we did- while she helped with the groundwork before she left, this was my baby. I know she's going to tear me apart. Is there anyway I can either make her stop entirely, or at the very least protect myself professionally? Contrary to what she says, I am good at my job. How do you damage control someone this wacky?

Holy crap. Several things:

1. This is why it's a bad idea to cross professional boundaries with your boss -- friendship alone puts you on shaky ground; living together is one of the worst ideas of all time.

2. Read The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker immediately. It'll help you figure out whether this woman is a nuisance or likely to turn into something more dangerous. Seriously, read this; she sounds unhinged and she's saying she wants you dead.

3. Talk to your boss and/or your HR department. Tell them that she is your former roommate, that you had a falling out, and that you are afraid of her -- that she's telling people she wants you dead (!), that she is sending people harassing emails about you, and that she is posting attacks about you on the Internet. Explain that your policy has been to try to ignore it and that you're not engaging with her at all, but that you are (a) afraid for your professional reputation and that of your employer, and (b) afraid that she may show up at the office and cause a scene or worse. Use the words "I am afraid of her."

I'm not a lawyer, but it's possible that your company may have some liability here, since she's your former manager. If nothing else, by warning them of what's going on, they probably incur some degree of obligation not to bring her back as a consultant ... and if you have any credibility at all, and handle this calmly, you'll probably destroy all credibility she has in their eyes.

Any advice from anyone else?

things that I will not be tolerating from you #1: lying about why you're calling

You know what's not a good idea? Telling the person screening my calls that I'll "know what the call is about" and refusing to elaborate further, when in fact I have no idea who you are and we've never spoken before.

You know who does this, aside from overly aggressive salespeople? Job candidates who think that this brilliant trick to get them past the gatekeeper will help them get hired.

You know what happens when they get put through to my phone line? I let the call go to voicemail, listen to their message, discover they're calling about a job, and immediately forward their message back to the original person they spoke with, with instructions to call them back and tell them we don't take unsolicited calls about jobs.

You know who immediately ruins any chance of me considering their application? People who do this, demonstrating total disregard for honesty or our clearly stated policies that we don't take unsolicited calls about jobs. I put that policy in place for a reason. I'm sorry that you don't like it -- but it's not there for you; it's there to help me. But at least now I know that I don't want to work with you.

I know there must be job search "tips" out there that encourage this ridiculous practice. I want to hunt down whoever is encouraging it and slap them.

You suck, interviewer!

I'm on a bit of a rampage about interviewers who don't bother to send candidates notices of rejection after a candidate has taken the time to interview with them.

You put hours into preparing for the interview. Maybe you buy a new suit. Maybe you drive several hours to get there, spending gas money you don't really have or taking a vacation day to do it. Then you sweat it out through the interview itself. They tell you that they'll notify you of their decision in a week. And then ... nothing. It's like you don't exist to them.

This behavior is inexcusable -- it's callous and dismissive and lacks any appreciation for the fact that the candidate is anxiously waiting to hear an answer -- any answer -- and keeps waiting and waiting, long after a decision has been made. It's just not that hard to send a quick email, even a form letter, letting the candidate know she's no longer under consideration.

Employers owe interviewees a response, period.

This particularly pisses me off because sane job seekers aren't going to call employers like this on their rude behavior, lest they burn their bridges with the organization. So employers get to act like this with impunity, and the rare person who does complain about it is generally dismissed as naive or crazy, simply because no one else does it.

I'm seriously thinking of offering a service on this site that job seekers could use to generate an anonymous letter to the employer, telling them how rude they are. It would be a public service: the Ask a Manager You-Suck-As-An-Interviewer Automatic Letter Generator ® .

5 ways companies mistreat job-seekers

I've been in a rage lately about some of the ways employers mistreat job-seekers (more on this soon), and today my U.S. News & World Report post is about five of the ways that employers are rude to job candidates.

Please check it out and leave your own thoughts in the comments over there.

job candidates who plagiarize

Here is some advice.

If you're applying for a job, and the application process includes a written exercise, do not plagiarize your written exercise from materials you find online.

And then, when the person reviewing your exercise points out to you that entire paragraphs are word-for-word the same as what can be found online, do not try to assure her that it's somehow just coincidence.

I had a candidate do this today. It's the second time I've caught someone in this, and I have to wonder how many more I haven't caught.

Plagiarism = not a good idea. Not only is it, you know, wrong, but if you cheat your way into a job, how do you plan on keeping that job? The hiring process is designed to identify candidates who will excel in the position -- if you misrepresent your skills, you're likely to end up in a job that you aren't a good fit for and might get fired from.

So why do people do this? I suspect it's some combination of cockiness and laziness -- the belief that their own work would be just as good, but they just aren't inclined to put in the time to do it themselves.

I kind of wish we could print their names publicly, like the hiring equivalent of a sex offenders list.

South Bend Tribune hates its employees

Think you work for a micromanager? Check out what the South Bend (Indiana) Tribune has decided to do to its staff. Here's an excerpt from the memo the paper's management distributed last week, explaining their new "communication" system:

This is targeted foremost to all reporters, who would send a daily e-mail the last thing before they leave for the day (or at the latest, the very first thing - 8 a.m. - the next day). These e-mails would go not only to your most immediate editor but to at least five editors, including me. This daily e-mail would lay out specifically what you accomplished that day, what you need to finish or follow up on the next day, and what you plan to do that next day. We mean everything, from the most mundane county council advance to the beginning interview in the most ambitious investigation that may or may not see the light of day (or publication). It also would allow you to bring up any other communication you need to share. From there, yes, your editor will be able to tell how busy you were, but more importantly, he or she will know your accomplishments and your struggles. From that, our morning planning meetings can be even more efficient.

They then provide a helpful and horrifying example of what such daily updates should look like:

Checked e-mail; Checked logs at Mishawaka, county and South Bend; Responded to accident at Ironwood and bypass; Called Mishawaka Detective Bureau about child neglect case (records would not provide narrative since it is under investigation by CPS); Called Mishawaka woman struck Monday by hit-and-run driver while she was getting into her car; Wrote story on woman struck by hit-and-run driver; Placed call to Trent about two rape cases that were on log (he was not in this morning); left message. Called Humane Society of St. Joseph County to see if any animals were taken out of home in Mishawaka where elderly lady was livign in filth surrounded by several full litter boxes; was told someone would be in contact. Updated productivity report; Spoke briefly with Trent about rape cases on log - appears to be teenage girl covering up for sexual escapades; Spoke with John Pavlekovich about concerns regard retirement story - presumably ironed everything out; Pow-wowed with Dave about year-end crime stories - I get homicides! -- start working on lead smelter reporting, call health dept. again, talk to lead director, no idea what I'm talking about; -- call IDEM local office, am transferred to regional office, leave message for public relations people; -- am asked to work on Goshen beating story; -- call Goshen PIO, discuss YouTube video beating; -- try to find number for YouTube mom, search phone books, internet; -- do web update; -- call Goshen schools superindendent, leave message; -- go to video bootcamp lunch; -- research YouTube beating posted by teens, leave message for national anti-Internet abuse lady; -- reach other woman affilated with anti-Internet abuse, talk to about story; -- call super Intendant again, leave second message; -- go to 2 p.m. interview with judge Scopelitis, wait forever in rotunda because he's in hearing, finally leave and reschedule; -- call back superindendant, finally reach for story; -- find address for YouTube mom; -- write YouTube video story, file story; -- give graph to john stump for lead smelter story; -- Drive out to Goshen to try and find YouTube mom, get lost, turn around, find trailer park, can't find address, finally find address, family no longer lives there, drive back. Planning to come in around 9 tomorrow.

Who thought this was a good idea? It would be faster to just tell their employees directly that they believe every single one of them to be lazy, incompetent, and untrustworthy. (Also, am I the only one particularly taken with the fact that these updates are to be sent to five editors each day? I would love to hear the reasoning on that.)

(Hat tip: Gawker)

bosses who yell

A reader writes:

I'm hoping you can help a friend of mine who is stuck in a tough situation. After a long job search, my friend has found his dream job--it's what he wants to do, in the field he wants to do it in, it pays the salary he wants to make, and he feels like he's making a positive difference in the world. But his manager only has one way of talking: SCREAMING. Peppered with curse words, no less.

At first, my friend just thought this person had high standards, or was trying to "break in the new guy." But it has been months and it's not getting any better. Although my pal tries to respond to the feedback that is buried somewhere in all the shouting and swearing, none of his efforts to give his boss what he wants have been met with anything but rage. The few times this manager has tried to give my friend a compliment about a job well done, he still somehow ends up angry and yelling! It is so bad that I would not be surprised if this person has some sort of undiagnosed mood disorder and should be on medication. With the economy the way it is, quitting the job is not an option. Is there anything my friend can do to improve his work environment?

That's the question I answer in today's post at U.S. News & World Report. To read my answer and leave your own comments, head on over there.