my coworker is angry that I complained about her many personal calls

A reader writes:

I sit directly behind a co-worker in my office who spends a good part of the day on personal phone calls. How does she get away with this? She slinks down in her desk, holds her cell phone close to her face so her indiscretions are not easily seen --- or --- the other extreme, she talks loudly enough to be very distracting. We get paid similar salaries for similar work. I always work for my paycheck, she sometimes works for hers.

Two years ago during my annual review I mentioned that a co-worker's personal phone calls were distracting. The manager knew immediately who I was talking about. Nothing was done and nothing changed.

Finally, this week, after months and months of aggravation, pent-up anger and frustration, I went to a different person in management who is the only other person who can testify to this co-worker's personal phone time. I asked him to discreetly tell our boss what both he and I go through each day. He said he should have probably mentioned something long ago.

Obviously, he wasn't discreet, because now that the co-worker has been informed, she and her "friends" at work are cold and snide to me -- the fink. I may as well have the word branded on my forehead. I wish I would have handled things differently, but it's a difficult thing to do with administration who would rather neglect the problem than deal with it.

Finally my question -- do I just go about my business and do my best to ignore the backlash, or do I somehow address my co-worker, manager, anyone?

Ugh. 

First of all, let's talk about the right way for your manager to have handled this. If she were a good manager, when you first mentioned the issue to her two years ago (two years! holy crap), she should have immediately addressed the situation -- without involving you. But obviously, if she were a good manager, she wouldn't have a staff member who has spent years not performing at a high level. (Which I'm assuming is the case, based both on your word and on the fact that it's hard for me to imagine someone kicking ass at their job when they're on personal calls all day long.) So we already know she's not a good manager, because she either didn't realize or didn't care that she had a low performer on her staff.  Once you brought the issue to her, the problem expanded: Now not only did she not care that she had a low performer, but she also apparently didn't care that another staff member was being distracted and demoralized by this person's behavior.

Of course, maybe she cared -- but not enough to face the awkwardness and unpleasantness of doing something effective about it. Which in my book is the same as not caring.

A good manager faced with this situation would have addressed it immediately. She would have taken a hard look at your coworker's output and results, which alone probably would have given her something significant to talk with your coworker about. But she also would done her own investigation into the phone call issue -- by spending more time in your office area, coming by unexpectedly, and so forth -- so that she could see the problem for herself. At that point, she would have said something like, "Jane, I've noticed that you're spending a lot of time on the phone, on what appear to be personal calls. I need to ask you to rein that in considerably, both because I'd like your attention focused on work and because I'm sure it's distracting to people around you." In other words, not mentioning your comments at all. And then she would have followed up through her own observation and by checking back with you to make sure that happened ... and if it didn't, she would have dealt with it the way good managers deal with any performance problem -- by setting clear standards and enforcing clear consequences for not meeting those standards. 

But she didn't do that. Instead, she fumbled this and allowed you to end up being blamed -- for something that in fact other people should bear the blame for: your coworker, obviously, but also your manager, for letting this go on so long.

So, what do you do now, given that she's mishandled it? You have two basic choices:

1. You could address your coworker's coldness head-on, by saying, "Hey, is everything okay? You seem upset with me." She'll either raise it or not, and if she does, you might be able to clear the air. If you go this route, I'd just be straightforward about the fact that all her personal calls make it hard for you to concentrate -- although be prepared for her to say that you should have said something directly to her first, which is a valid point (although not the main point). 

In fact, I actually think it's reasonable to apologize for not approaching her about it first, if in fact you didn't -- don't apologize for raising it at all, of course, but for not telling her it was bothering you before you took it higher.

Taking this even further, you could even open the topic proactively instead of waiting for her to bring it up -- you could say, "Hey, I want to let you know that I mentioned to Karen that I was finding your personal calls distracting, and I realized in retrospect that I should have talked to you about it first and given you the chance to address it."

2. You could ignore your coworker's coldness and assume it'll go away in time. 

And actually, there's a third option too, one that I'd push more strongly if we weren't in the middle of a recession: You could look for a job where the manager actually manages -- where she sets a high bar and holds people accountable to it, addresses it straightforwardly when people aren't meeting it, and creates a culture where no one would ever be able to get away with two-plus years of low productivity.

Because overall, the real problem here is your manager. Your loquacious coworker is just a symptom.

should I tell my conservative coworkers that I'm gay?

A reader writes:

I'm an associate at a mid-sized law firm (approximately 40 employees in three states), and I've worked here a little over a year. I love the job, and enjoy most of my co-workers, except for the handful of very conservative, religious ones (as you'll see in the next paragraph, this isn't just liberal vitriol). People don't talk much about their personal lives, but all make casual references to spouses, fiancees and weekend plans occasionally.

My question is about the appropriate level of personal disclosure. I've been with my girlfriend for three years, but everyone at work thinks I'm single and straight, and neither is true. I'm getting tired of lying, but don't want to deal with the reactions of my conservative colleagues who could also influence my performance reviews and possible bonuses. Do you have any suggestions, or at least a sense of how long it's appropriate to keep things to myself? I'm closest to the managing partner, who is wonderful to work with but is very socially conservative as well.

If the question is about what level of personal disclosure is appropriate at work, the answer is that casual references to your girlfriend's existence and activities you did together over the weekend or upcoming plans you have together are all appropriate, just like they are for your coworkers and their own significant others.

But this question is really about coming out at work in an environment that you think might not be safe to do so in. So:

1. Do you want to work somewhere that might penalize you for something so fundamental to who you are and also so none of their business? I know that sounds like a loaded question, like of course you have to answer "no" to it, but it's actually a genuine question. Different people weigh different things differently, and it's legitimate if your bottom line is that you want the job and the peace of mind of not worrying about bias. So to some extent, this is about knowing what's most important to you.

2. However, in a broader sense of what's good for the world, there's a real advantage to your being out, in that you'll be someone they know, like, and respect who they learn is gay. Bigotry becomes harder when the object of your bigotry is right there in front of you in likable form, and many a homophobe has been reformed by learning that a daughter, brother, or friend is gay.  Of course, you're under no obligation to be a learning opportunity for the bigots of the world, but it's something to think about.

3. Last, I wonder if you know for sure that these conservative, religious coworkers are also homophobes, because there are certainly plenty of conservative, religious people who are not. So if you don't actually know that and are just guessing based on their politics, you might be pleasantly surprised if you give them the benefit of the doubt. Or, of course, you might not.

Any advice out there from others who have dealt with this?

my coworker is physically bullying me

A reader writes:

I support a team of professionals and one of them has what I call “personal space issues.” He stands uncomfortably close to me, causing me to move away and when we pass each other in the hallway or common areas, he walks right towards me, forcing me to maneuver around him or go another way so that I do not have to touch him. (He also stares at me when ever he passes my desk). He is the type of man that makes your skin crawl.

Recently we collided in the hall. (And these are very wide halls.) He caught me completely off guard so I couldn’t get out of his way fast enough. I saw him coming toward me out of the corner of my eye and at the last second was able to turn enough that he clipped me sideways but is was a hard enough that I was knocked several steps back. I was completely shocked and said “WHAT THE HELL?” He kept right on going.

Fortunately another professional saw the whole thing and asked in rhetorical disbelief if he had really just run into me. She was as irritated as I was. She said his behavior is a “power thing” (machismo) and indeed I would liken it to the bully who walks down the middle of the hall shoving kids into the lockers.

I reported this to his supervisor, who advised me to talk to him and if he does anything else, to let the supervisor know. The next day I did talk to him, or tried to. At first adamantly denied it, but when I pointed out that it was witnessed, then insisted that he said “Excuse me.” I tried to address all the other near misses but he just kept talking over me saying in an increasingly hostile tone of voice, “I said excuse me.” I looked him straight in the eye and told him in no uncertain terms, “Do not touch me again” and left.

I emailed his supervisor letting him know that I followed his direction and the outcome. Later I did get an emailed apology from the bully but he also said he did not appreciate the way I talked to him.

A few days later, he nearly ran over me again, but this time stopped, blocked my way and condescendingly grilled me to “make sure I was okay” with a sneer on his face.

Two more important things: He is personal friends with his supervisor and our “HR department” consists of one woman who doesn’t want to hear any “drama.” She is also my supervisor and an owner of the company. 

I am a very small, not-so-young woman. This man is younger and over 6 feet tall. Do I need to tell you that I am extremely uncomfortable going to work now? What would you suggest in a situation like this?

There is no possible way that this is okay. He's physically intimidating you, and became more intimidating after you complained. This isn't just a bullying issue (although that would be bad enough); it's also potentially a physical safety issue -- and your management is insane if they don't see it that way after hearing what you laid out here.

Return to his supervisor -- who, don't forget, specifically asked you to keep him updated. Let him know that after the "apology," this guy physically blocked your way in the hallway, berated you condescendingly about whether you were okay, and generally had a hostile and threatening demeanor. Say these words: "I now feel targeted by ___ and he is making me feel uncomfortable about my own safety."

You also really, really should talk to your own manager, explain what's happened, state that he's making you feel physically uncomfortable and threatened, and insist it be handled. She may not like hearing about "drama," but I doubt this is the type of thing she was referring to when she said that. Any boss who wouldn't want to know that this was going on doesn't deserve the job ... particularly a boss who happens to work in HR, which means she should be very aware of the company's obligations in a situation like this.

Really, don't mess around with this. Go talk to both bosses.

You tried handling it directly with the guy and he's now forced your hand. You are not the problem here, and you shouldn't let anyone make you feel you are.

my boss gives in to my co-worker's temper tantrums

A reader writes:

I'm preparing for my January yearly evaluation with my boss... and I'm already worrying about some issues I want to bring up. Our department is small with only four positions. The budget person in our office is rather controlling and has made my life difficult these past few months in particular.

My boss is kind but this work colleague (she's a peer, not a supervisor, and I'll call her X) does sway her decisions quite a bit since they have worked together the past 10 years.

One of the worst things that has happened these past few months concerns my purchasing duties in the office. I was approached by my boss for a meeting to take away these duties due to X's concerns. I was not doing the purchasing incorrectly, but X did not like my filing system (which I was never approached about). Since X was going through a death in the family at the time, my boss asked me to just let X take control of those duties instead of fighting her on this.

It's just gotten worse since then, over the most minute of issues. Just last week, X threw a fit when I left for lunch and only confirmed it with the front desk person and not with her. X threw the fit in front of my boss, and now we have assigned lunch times.

I've been at this office over three years, and while I am looking for other jobs, the economy dictates that I'll be here a bit longer. My question is... how do I bring up my issues with X appropriately during my evaluation? I know that my boss will ask me how I'm doing/feeling at the office... and even though I am uncomfortable speaking out against anyone (feels like tattle-telling for some reason), I would like an easier work environment and my job duties back.

You have assigned lunch times? Your office has bigger issues beyond X herself -- you have a manager who gives in to the person who yells the loudest.

Okay, a few things. First, have you approached X yourself about this? It sounds like she's continually getting the message that she can behave this way with impunity and no one will stand up to her. You don't even need to take a particularly adversarial approach; you can just calmly express your own reasonable opinion in the face of her crazy one. For instance: "I didn't let you know when I went to lunch because it would be highly unusual for me being away from the office for an hour to impact your ability to do your job. What are you seeing that I'm missing?" And also, "It seems to me that assigning lunch times is introducing a fairly high level of bureaucracy where none is needed. Let's talk about the problem that needs to be addressed and figure out the most effective and direct way to fix it." And, "Hey X, Beth told me that you have some concerns about my filing system. It's actually been working really well, but tell me what you're seeing that bothers you so I can figure out if we need to change something."

Ideally, if you're not already doing that, you'd start that before involving your boss. If I'm your boss and you tell me that you have a problem with how someone behaves toward you, the first thing I'm going to ask you is what you've tried in response. That doesn't mean that I won't intervene if you've done nothing and the situation is severe enough, but it does mean that I'm going to at a minimum wonder why you haven't tried asserting yourself, and I might suggest that you try it before I step in. (That said, your boss in this situation is an obvious enabler of X's bad behavior herself, so I'm not exempting her from blame here at all.)

In any case, you have a couple of options for how to raise this with your boss, depending on what kind of relationship you have with her:

1. You can be straightforward: "X is making it harder for me to do my job because she's developed a pattern of loudly voicing her opinion about areas that don't impact her own work, but do impact mine. And because she's generally the most strident person on any issue that comes up, people seem to find it easier to give in to her. I don't want to see us making decisions based on who yells the loudest, and I'm worried that we're getting in a cycle of doing that."

2. You can frame this as asking for your boss's advice: "I want to have a good relationship with her but also preserve appropriate boundaries and ensure that we're making decisions based on what will be most effective, not on who's asserting themselves the most vigorously. Do you have any advice that will help?"

(This all assumes that you have a boss who is at least somewhat open to reason and who isn't totally in X's pocket.)

Also, you don't have to wait for your evaluation in two months to bring this up. You can raise it in the same way the next time X throws a tantrum.

I'm also wondering about what other ways in which your boss's willingness to take the easy way out might be playing out. Is this really the only one?

angry and insulted by coworkers doing my job

A reader writes:

I was sent on a business trip overseas for 3 weeks, with 5 people from 5 different departments. Because of some business complications, the timeline for what we needed to do there was super tight. While I understand that and understand that everyone works together and does a bit of everyone's work where we can help, last weekend, two of the guys (let's call them E and C) decided to do my job and over the weekend did what I was supposed to produce. They sent it out, saying they took the weekend to do this, when it was clearly my department's deliverable. I became very, very mad that they did such a thing because I feel they should have at least included me in the discussion since it was clearly my department's responsibility. 

I sent an email to my manager (who for personal reasons couldn't make this trip) letting him know of my feelings regarding what had happened. I sort of "went off" - in the email, I stated that I am shocked that this happened and asked what his advice would be. I also met with C the next day and told him that it was insulting to me because it made me feel like I'm not doing what I'm supposed to do, or not pulling my weight.

After a few days of cooling off, I'm starting to think I shouldn't have sent out the email to my manager. What is your take?  I still think what they did was disrespectful and insulting, both on a personal and professional level, for someone to go right out and do someone else's work without involving or at least letting them know about it.

I understand why you feel the way you do, but yeah, you didn't really handle this well -- largely because you jumped to the worst conclusion immediately.

Rather than immediately deciding to feel insulted and disrespected, why not start off by thinking, "Hmmm, we're clearly on different pages, so let's figure out why."  Ideally, if you could re-do this, you would have thanked E and C for their help, but also nicely explained that you need to be in the loop when your department's work is being done -- because you might have already been in the midst of finishing it, or because you might have information they don't have that would impact things, or simply because that's what you're there to do. You would have then asked them, "Going forward, does that sound reasonable, or should we handle this stuff some other way?"  And then you would have waited to hear their response with an open mind. Maybe they actually had good reason for what they did, and you might have changed your mind if you heard them out calmly and non-defensively. Or maybe they'd realize they had overstepped their bounds and would agree to work with you differently in the future. But this approach is the best way to get at that in a professional way.

The key to this way of thinking is that you're not just "mad because they did my work." You need to go beyond that to explain why that's a problem (even if the "why" seems obvious to you). That's how you turn an emotional reaction into a professional one. Otherwise, even though of course division of labor is important and there for a reason, your reaction can sound more like a turf war, that you're not a team player, etc. You might have completely legitimate reasons for being upset about this -- but you have to calmly articulate why this creates a problem, not just fall back on "this was mine to do."

(By the way, a disclaimer: I'm assuming that E and C really shouldn't have done what they did -- although it's possible that everyone was supposed to be pitching in on everything. Since I don't know, I'm assuming the former.)

Your email to your boss was a bad idea for the reasons above. I'd send a follow-up telling him that you overreacted and that you're going to take a more constructive approach with C and E. Keep it short, calm, and unemotional.

Last, this has to be said too:  It's worth thinking about why C and E stepped in. Maybe they did your work for innocent reasons (eager to help, on a roll, unclear about division of labor, working on something related and this was natural to include, just not thinking, etc.) ... but maybe they did your work because they don't think you're going to do it well, or fast enough, or at all. This last possibility is the one that insulted you, of course -- but you should ask yourself honestly if there's any reason for them to think that. The fact that you were so emotional about it might indicate that there's some truth to it, simply because if you were 100% confident about your work, I don't think this would have felt as threatening to you. So be really, really truthful with yourself if there's anything like that going on ... and if there's not, great, but it's worth taking a look at.

coworker won't wash her hands after using the bathroom

A reader writes:

We have a very distasteful problem at work that I just don't know how to handle, and it's really disgusting. We have a co-worker who absolutely refuses to wash her hands after she uses the rest room, and she refuses the alternative of using gel sanitizer. She has fecal bacteria, ecoli, and Lord only knows what else on those bacteria covered hands of hers. These are the same hands she uses to open the office door the rest of the office staff has to use. She touches the copy machine buttons, the postage machine, all the other office equipment the office employees have to share, and there seems like there is nothing we can do about it.

We have approached her directly, but she just laughs. We have approached our supervisor, who spoke to her, but nothing changed. I am at the point of actually looking for another job over it. We keep sanitizer and handiwipes in the office, and wipe common use areas down frequently, but we should not have to, and I resent the filth. This is so disgusting! Is there anything we can do?

You're thinking of leaving your job over this?

Look, yes, this is gross, and yes, it's unsanitary, but ... do you really think that you're not encountering the same sort of problem in other places?  I assure you that this woman is not the only one engaged in this behavior; she just happens to be the one you know about. When you go to the mall, the grocery store, the park, wherever -- you're undoubtedly encountering things that have been touched by other people who also don't wash their hands. The only difference here is that you happen to know who a specific culprit is.

(I just looked this up to see if there were any statistics on hand-washing, and I found this study, which says that 28% of adults don't regularly wash their hands after using the bathroom. And to make matters worse, this study found that even people who wash their hands don't wash them well enough to wash off germs.)

I suppose a manager in your office could lay down the law on this -- requiring employee hand-washing in the same way that restaurants do, to prevent the spread of germs, and talking to this employee in a more serious way to let her know it's not optional ... but (a) do you really want your managers monitoring people's bathroom behavior, and (b), even if they did create some rule around this, are you ever going to really trust that she's washing her hands when someone isn't around to observe her?

Keep hand sanitizer around, use it liberally, and socially shame her if you must -- but quitting over it? For that to make any sense, you'd also need to wear gloves and a mask every time you emerged from your house. People are often gross. The world is germy. Write this woman off as one of the many gross people out there and move on.

calling on readers again: lazy coworker in a medical setting, with tenure

Our earlier experiment with throwing a reader's question out to other readers to answer was a huge success (who knew so many of you are librarians?), so let's try another one:

I am a pediatrician in a training program at a medical school to become a specialist. One of the faculty members of our division refuses to answer his pager or phone when he is on-call for our specialty service. He is on-call about one week out of five. He does not answer pages from the emergency department, the residents working on the wards, the clinic, nor does he answer his cell phone or home phone. As a result, I am frequently called whenever (which is usually) he doesn’t answer the pager or phone. Bear in mind that these calls are almost always regarding the care of one of our patients. Numerous written complaints have been sent from the emergency department and others to the chairman of our department regarding this issue. Additionally, several people have complained to the chief of our division (who reports to the chairman).

The response has always been that this person would be “talked to,” which has resulted in no change in his behavior. He also does not complete all of the chart documentation for many of his patients (such as writing the drug prescribed and the dosage). Our clinic starts at 8:00 pm and he does not arrive until 10:00 am, which he always blames on traffic. I have spoken numerous times to our division chief, who tells me he can’t do anything because this person is tenured.

I feel that many patients are having their care compromised by this person’s actions (or inaction). I have tried to speak with him personally about the issue and told him how difficult it makes it for other people to do their jobs and to assure that people are receiving appropriate care. I think I was very calm and kind during the discussion, but he got mad at me, threw a fork on the ground, and started cursing. He is 63 years old and keeps saying he wants to retire, but he needs to get his 401K built up, so he may be here another 10 years. Other people who have worked here for a long time tell me this behavior is not new; he has “always been this way” and he’s worked here for 25 years.

I am leaving soon because my training will be complete, but I feel guilty leaving without seeing that something is done to prevent people from getting sloppy care, or in some instances no care. Do you have any suggestions?

I am a big believer in the principle that if your manager won't manage -- and if no one above him/her is willing to force the issue -- there's very little you can do, and you need to either resign yourself to the problems continuing or leave for a new spot where managers are willing to do their job. This question brings a new spin though, because it involves patient care and tenure. I'd love to hear from readers with experience working in medical settings -- or from anyone else who wants to weigh in. What's your advice? 

guilt over leaving team behind as I leave a toxic workplace

A reader writes:

I've been in a fairly toxic workplace for two years, and in one week I'm finally done with my contract and am moving on to greener, and saner pastures. This is all well and good, except I'm leaving behind a small team of people who I've grown very close to while I've managed them.

And I know things are about to get much, much worse for them at work.

The company is in trouble financially, which we all know: it was used as an excuse to downsize, move us to tiny offices, increase unpaid overtime, not give raises, bonuses or paid leave, etc. We've all pulled together to make that work because we loved what we do. We used to have a really incredibly bad owner, who recently sold the company to her partner and fled: we're still uncovering the mess she made of things. I'm the manager, and as such even though I'm leaving, I'm still being called into meetings about the future of the company. This makes me nervous on a couple of levels as I never want to be accused of taking company secrets to my new employer, and I'd really rather prefer if they DIDN'T have the money talks in front of me, but I'm not quite sure how to make that stop- I'm still here, doing my job, for one more week (I gave 3 months notice), and part of my job is planning for the future. It also means I'm privy to things my team is not- like further plans to downsize, or that they're planning on moving another company also owned by our new owner into our small workspace. 

Our direct manager as well is feeling the pressure, and with the prospect of me leaving, has started to make some changes to the workplace that I feel will be detrimental, to the work, the culture, and the team I'm leaving behind. Add to that that I found and hired my replacement, who I'm now worried is going to get burned by all this, and I'm feeling incredibly guilty and confused.

My question: what can I do for them? Do I have a responsibility to stick my nose in all this mess that is going to come raining down as of Monday (my last day is Friday) or does my leaving mean I can't have anything to do with it? Is there some trick to just washing your hands and moving on?

Okay, some principles to keep in mind about all this:

1. It is normal in a situation like this to feel guilty that you're jumping off a (possibly) sinking ship and leaving people behind you. But these are adults who are getting plenty of signals themselves about what's going on. The downsizing, the smaller offices, the halting of paid leave (!), the fleeing owner -- your coworkers may not have all the same information you do, but they have enough to understand that the situation isn't secure or stable. Anyone who is shocked by further downsizing in that context and didn't see it coming was almost willfully not paying attention. So you don't need to struggle with whether you need to sound an alarm for them -- the situation is already warning them. They may not know the specifics that you know, but they know the situation isn't good, and they're making their own calculations accordingly.

2. And that's good, because you really can't share confidential information that your job makes you privy to. This is the nature of some jobs; you signed up for a job that would expose you to internal decision-making and you agreed to keep it confidential. That stuff is not always easy, especially when you're learning about things that will affect your coworkers, but there's no exception in the confidentiality provision for "when it becomes hard."

3. What you can do is talk to people in ways that don't violate your confidentiality obligations, particularly since your own departure provides an obvious context. So if a coworker expresses uncertainty to you about whether they should be job-searching themselves, you can point out that in an unstable situation like your company is currently in, it's always smart to line up options. And particularly for the people you manage, I could even argue that part of the job means having a final talk with them about their career plans before you head out. Ask questions, listen, and give advice. Just don't violate your confidentiality obligations.

4. You can also strongly advise your manager to be as transparent as possible with the staff about what's going on. You can direct her to information about managing downsizing well; there's a lot out there that argues that being open and transparent is the key to recovering from periods like this. She should read it, and you should push her to. (Whether she does or not is ultimately up to her, but you can strongly advise it.)

5. Similarly, regarding your manager making changes that you see as detrimental, all you can do is give the best counsel you can. Make your case for why these changes would be harmful and offer alternatives. Tell her you feel strongly, if you do. But from there, it's up to her. You've done all you can do, and you shouldn't beat yourself up for not being able to somehow stop her.

6. Regarding your concern that they're continuing to involve you in meetings and you're worried about being accused of taking company secrets to your new employer -- they know you're leaving. They're freely sharing information with you (probably because part of your job is to be involved in this sort of planning and they still want your expertise). I don't think you need to worry about later accusations.

I know a lot of people's response to all this would be, "It's no longer your problem." And to some extent that's true, and you're probably going to feel like that in a month or two. But this in-between period -- when you're on way out but not quite out yet -- is really hard.

Update: After I wrote this response, I received this P.S. from the letter-writer:

I should also mention that my direct manager hasn't been handling this too well either. I've attempted to make a few suggestions/comments about her proposed changes I think aren't a good idea, and the general response has been something like we need to do these things in order to stay solvent (not necessarily true) and that if I want my end-of-service benefits, vacation payout, and all the other end of contract payout stuff that I'm entitled to, we have to do x, y, or z. So basically, all of the really brutal stuff that's about to happen is happening because I wanted what was contractually promised to me so I can leave. There's a lot of guilt going on right now. 

No, it's not happening because you want what was contractually promised to you. It's happening because the owner of the company mismanaged things. And I don't buy that fulfilling their obligations to you -- which sound pretty standard and not extravagant -- will be what triggers brutal cuts elsewhere. I think that's BS, unless your end-of-service benefits are equivalent to an entire salary or two, which I strongly doubt. Your manager is telling you that out of frustration or in an outright attempt to guilt you into giving some of them up. This is a contractual obligation, the company is obligated to fulfill it, and their mismanagement is on their hands, not yours.

my co-worker is chronically absent

A reader writes:

I work in a children's program part-time alongside another teacher who works the same hours as I do (about 10/week). We are the only 2 regular teachers in this program. Anyway, my co-worker chronically schedules appointments on the mornings we are scheduled to work. She has many crises in her life so between her and her children, she has many appointments. Historically she has done this in the past, but I thought that with a new director/boss, it would be a brand new start for all of us there.

Anyway, our director/boss knows about her upcoming appointments and we are scrambling around to get substitutes, but it's difficult for me to work alongside someone new every time we run a program because then I have to fill them in on what we're doing. It's difficult for the children because they don't know who's going to be there from one week to the next. In the next 3 weeks, she will only be working 1 program out of 9 scheduled.

What can I do or say to my boss and/or my co-worker? I did ask her the other day not to schedule appointments during the mornings we're scheduled to work (2 mornings/week!!). But I need some help in how to deal with this so I don't become negative about work. I want to enjoy my time there, not worry constantly about who's going to be there and who isn't.

Ideally, your boss would sit down with your coworker, tell her that the program needs to count on her being at work reliably, and ask whether, going forward, she's able to commit to being at work reliably, with absences only in rare circumstances. (And ideally she'd quantify "rare," since not everyone defines that the same way.) And she'd let her know that, while she's sympathetic to your coworker's situation, the job does require a reliable presence and if that's not realistic for your coworker right now, the job isn't the right fit. And then she'd stick to that, meaning that if the problem continued, your boss would replace her.

Ideally.

The fact that your boss hasn't done this indicates that either (a) your boss somehow doesn't know the extent of the problem or its history or (b) your boss is a pushover who isn't assertive about holding people accountable. 

You said that your boss is new -- is it possible that she doesn't realize the history here and thinks that your coworker's upcoming absences are an aberration?

If I were you, I'd talk to your boss, explain the duration of the problem, and explain the impact on you and the program. You want to do this calmly and unemotionally -- don't attribute motivations to your coworker, just focus on the facts and the impact. If you get the sense that your boss feels helpless to do anything about it -- which hopefully isn't going to be the case but, realistically, might be -- suggest that if she agrees that reliable attendance is an essential part of the job, she should find out if your coworker can meet those requirements going forward, and hire someone new if your coworker can't.

From there, it's in your boss's hands. At that point, you've done what you can do, and if your boss doesn't act, you probably need to accept that you have a boss who doesn't set standards and hold people accountable to them -- in other words, a manager who doesn't manage. 

help! my department is imploding

A reader writes:

My department is imploding, and I'm struggling to decide what I should do.

I've worked in in the IT department for a small health clinic for 10 months. In that time, 5 employees have left, and the rest are actively looking for new jobs elsewhere, including the VP and my direct supervisor. Reasons for leaving include the president of the company, who is demanding and hostile to employees, and the department's current managers, who seem to have checked out completely.

I've moved around a bit over the past few years (this is my third company in 5 years), and I was hoping to stay here for several years. I like a good portion of my work, and I have friends in the company who I admire and respect. Still, I feel worn down by the negativity in my department and constant whispering about potential job interviews and company gossip. Owing to the small size of the company, an internal transfer or promotion seems unlikely, as I'm the only employee who works in my field of technology and I don't have the expertise to become a manager yet.

Should I stick it out? If I decide to look for another job, how should I explain my current situation to a prospective employer? What questions should I ask during an interview to hopefully ensure that I find myself in a more productive office next time?

I can't tell if you're thinking of leaving because you too are bothered by the company's president and managers, or if it's that the instability of so many others leaving and actively seeking to leave that's bothering you. I get the sense that it's more the latter -- and if that's correct, then my advice is this:  Tune out everyone else's opinion of your bosses. The fact that they find conditions there intolerable doesn't mean that you do (unless of course you do, but again, I'm not getting that from your letter).

Different people have different deal-breakers. I once had one of the best working relationships of my life with a boss who a lot of other people found challenging to work with. You've got to get clarity about what your deal-breakers are, not what your coworkers' are.

And yes, high turnover can be stressful, but it can also be filled with opportunities for the people who remain, depending on your mindset.

Now, all that said, if I've interpreted your letter completely wrong and in fact you're miserable because of the management too and would be thinking about leaving even if your coworkers weren't, then that's a different matter. In that case, you need to decide what you value more: having a longer-term job on your resume or getting the hell out. What's your bottom line in this context? Only you can decide that and there's no right answer, but it's important to get really clear in your own mind about what matters most to you.

And if you do decide to leave, you have a fairly understandable reason you can use to explain your decision:  "In the 10 months I was there, __% of the employees in my department left." That kind of thing tends to function as social proof that you're not overreacting. And as for what you can ask next time to avoid a toxic situation, here are some previous posts that may help:

how to find out if your prospective manager sucks or not

danger signs when you're interviewing for a job

more danger signs when you're interviewing for a job

But remember, figure out what's tolerable to you, not your coworkers.

new employee feels awkward and left out

A reader writes:

My new job is about two months old. In that time, I have discovered that I love the job and the people, yet I feel left out because everyone in the office has a history (wonderful and friendly interpersonal connections). When they laugh and reminiscence with stories, I'm not quite sure what to do. If I am busy, I become more engrossed in the involved tasks. If I am currently not working on a project, I find something to do. Echoing the earlier email from the shy manager, I am also a shy individual. Therefore, I am concerned that I am providing an impression that I have an outlook about life and a personality which is contrary to theirs, when I do not.

This dynamic when you start a new job and are surrounded by people who have a history together is hard if you're someone who's not naturally outgoing. It's like being the new kid at school.

You don't feel comfortable jumping into an existing group, so try forming relationships one-on-one. Is there anyone there who you feel more of a connection with? Ask that person to get lunch or coffee with you. If you feel shy about making an overtly social overture, frame it as, "Now that I'm settling in, I'd love to get lunch with you and pick your brain about (fill in work topic)." Most people are flattered to be seen as a resource. (And if there isn't anyone there who you feel more of a connection with, ask whoever you work with most closely.)

Don't be afraid to jump into group conversations, either. You say they reminisce with stories -- people usually love telling these stories to someone who hasn't heard them yet. You just need to indicate that you'd be interested, by saying something like, "That sounds funny. John got locked in the bathroom?" 

And one more tip: If your office has someone who seems to have taken on the role of social director -- someone who seems to arrange happy hours and lunches and so forth -- and if that person seems nice, they're a really good choice to be candid with. Tell them something like this: "I'm kind of shy but I'd love to get to know people here better." This type will often take you under their wing if they know you'd welcome it.

What other suggestions do people have?

calling a coworker at 10:30 p.m. while they're on vacation

A reader writes:

My husband called a co-worker Tuesday night after 10:30 pm and talked until almost midnight about business. This person was also on vacation. This was not an emergency call and I feel, regardless of whether the co-worker kept the communication going, that my husband was out of bounds in making this call. Please advise.

It totally depends on the culture of your husband's workplace.

At some offices, this would be beyond the pale. At others, this wouldn't be particularly strange (especially, for example, at a lot of start-ups). 

At my last job, many people would do some work from home at odd hours of the night (including me). I had one coworker who I knew often worked late at night, and sometimes he and I would find ourselves exchanging work-related emails at 11 p.m. and finally he'd suggest we jump on the phone to get something resolved faster. (I never suggested it, because as a manager, I didn't want to make anyone feel pressured to give up their nights that way. But if an employee initiated it, it was fine with me.) But that was just our culture, and it was the two of us in particular -- there were other employees who I never heard from after 6 p.m., and that was just fine too.

As for the vacation element, again it depends on culture. Sometimes I go on vacation and make it clear that this is a "don't bother me unless someone dies" type of vacation. Other times, I want to get away but know that my workload at that point means that the only way I can do it is if I remain available by phone -- and in those cases, I'm willing to make the trade-off of getting to fly off somewhere fun in exchange for remaining available for phone calls.

And there are certainly people who enjoy their work so much that they want to stay in touch while they're away. I've been that person myself, and I've worked at places like that; they do exist!

So it really depends on the workplace culture, and the preferences of specific people involved. 

Now, despite all that, if your husband had no basis for knowing that this coworker would be fine with a 10:30 p.m. work call, then yes, it was inappropriate. And even if that's not the case, if your husband has any authority over this coworker, he should be sensitive to the fact that the guy might not feel comfortable saying, "Hey, it's getting late and I'm on vacation. We need to wrap this up."  Or even, "Hey, this is my vacation. Stop calling me! We'll talk when I'm back." 

In general, people in positions of authority should bend over backwards to be respectful of people's off time, to encourage people to take "real" vacations, and to make it clear that working odd hours is truly 100% optional. So your husband's role in relation to the coworker is relevant.

But some people really do like working at odd hours. Some people do not. The question is where this guy stands.

my coworker has a lecherous and creepy interest in our colleague

A reader writes:

I work with a man who has an inappropriate infatuation with a much younger, married co-worker. He is married with a daughter about the same age as this woman (mid 20's). I have seen him demonstrate obsessive behavior toward her: leering, taking her picture with his cell phone, outward anger/jealousy toward anyone else who interacts with her. He pretends to be friendly to her, but makes lewd remarks behind her back about her body. He seems to have little self control and is very determined to pursue her.

At this point, I feel like talking to her and giving her a heads up that this guy's interest in her is anything but innocent. I feel like I am watching a slow-moving train wreck, and do not want to have to bear witness to this. I do believe that this is a one way obsession, and that the woman may be naive to this man's true intentions. Any insight would be appreciated.

What you described is unnerving, although it's worth noting that we don't actually know whether the woman might in fact return his interest, married or not. Either way, though, the lewd remarks behind her back and the aggression toward others who interact with her are alarming -- and those are also the two elements that indicate to me that you should say something. Otherwise we might just have a douchey guy with an inappropriate crush, but those elements elevate it to objectively creepy.

(By the way, I can't tell if the cell phone pictures are being taken with her knowledge/cooperation; obviously, if they're not, that's highly creepy element #3. Beyond creepy, in fact.)

I think the right thing to do in this situation is to mention to her what you've seen, but stick to the facts. Rather than telling her that he's determined to pursue her and has little self-control -- which I don't think you can actually know -- tell her what you do know for sure: He makes inappropriate remarks about her when she's not around and sometimes becomes hostile when others talk to her. And if she doesn't know about the photo-taking, you absolutely must mention that too, as it's a huge violation. 

From there, it's up to her to decide how she wants to handle this. If she seems freaked out but uncertain what her options are, suggest that she speak to her manager and/or HR. Or, it's possible that she won't care or will choose not to discuss her reaction with you, in which case this probably needs to become none of your business, unless you see it escalate to new worrrisome behaviors (in which case you should fill her in again).

However, there's one piece that will remain your business regardless of how this plays out, and that's what the guy says in front of you. If he's making inappropriate remarks about her (or anyone), speak up! Tell him it's inappropriate for the office, disrespectful toward her, and something you don't want to hear again.

I'll also add this: If your gut is sending you warning signs that this guy isn't just a lech but is also potentially dangerous in some way, read The Gift of Fear and encourage your colleague to also. It gives really helpful advice on knowing when someone is just kind of a jerk or socially inept versus when you should be more worried. (Actually, everyone should read this.)

What do others think?

managing an employee who was passed over for your role

A reader writes:

There are lots of posts online about "how to deal with being passed over." I am looking for perspective from the other side of the coin.

I was awarded a GM role and have to work with someone who was passed over for my role. What is the best way to deal with this person? I am an outsider to the industry but had stronger people management and Profit/Loss experience. I now have to work with someone who was passed over for the role.

Can you offer any suggestions? They are disappointed, a little sullen, and worst of all are voicing concerns to the staff.

She's allowed to be disappointed -- even angry or resentful, as long as she keeps it to herself. But she's not welcome to behave unprofessionally, behave adversarially to you, spread toxicity, etc. If she's doing any of these things, you need to address it head-on, by meeting with her in private and explaining your expectations of her conduct and how she's not currently meeting them. In particular, you want to emphasize that if she has concerns about you, you expect her to bring them to you, not gossip behind your back. If the problem continues after that, you need to treat it like any other performance problem.

If her problematic behavior is fairly mild, you might also offer to help her with a growth plan so that she's a stronger candidate for a promotion in the future. 

What you don't want to do is indulge the behavior. You want to address it directly, and soon, because this kind of thing can become a poison if left to fester. Sometimes in this situation, managers are more indulgent of problematic behavior because they feel sympathetic or even slightly guilty for getting the job the person wanted. Avoid that trap; the most effective thing you can do is to make it clear that she will be held to the same standards of conduct anyone else would be held to. Disappointments or not, she's a grown-up working in a professional environment and needs to handle her disappointments like one.

when I talk to HR, don't they have to keep it confidential?

A reader writes:

I had a conversation with the HR Director about something happening in my department. She went to my boss with the issue, citing me as the source. This was not an official complaint by me, as we were not in her office but in the lunchroom. However, I considered conversations with HR professionals to be in confidence. Was I in error?

HR people aren't doctors or priests; there's no confidentiality statute and you shouldn't assume confidentiality when talking to them, even if you're at lunch. Even if you're talking to them when you run into them at the grocery store over the weekend.

HR is there to serve the company; their loyalty and responsibilities are to the employer. If they hear information that they judge needs to be shared or used to address a situation, their job obligates them to do that. A parallel: Imagine you're a computer programmer and you learn there's a serious bug in the software you're working on, but you do nothing. You'd be being negligent and not doing your job, right? It's the same thing with HR.

Now, in some cases, you can talk to HR in confidence if you explicitly work out an understanding of confidentiality before you share. But even then, it might not really be kept confidential. I've seen plenty of cases where a HR person judged that the best interests of the company required that the information be passed along, even after promising confidentiality to the employee.

Additionally, there are cases where HR is actually required to report things, no matter how vehemently the employee requests confidentiality: They have to report any concerns about harassment or illegal behavior, even if you beg them not to.

Now, should it be this way? Is HR in the wrong to operate like this?  The reality is, HR is there to serve the interests of the employer. To the extent that they also serve the interests of the employees, it's in service of the larger goal of serving the company. For instance, they may do work on employee retention or morale -- but that's because it's in the employer's interests to retain good employees and to care about morale, not because their primary "clients" are employees. And similarly, if HR hears about, say, an incompetent or struggling manager, HR's job is (generally) to find a way to address it.  They can't remain quiet if that would violate their professional obligation to the company.

But there are good ways and bad ways of doing this:

Bad = letting an employee think something will be confidential but then sharing it anyway

Good = explaining to the employee that it can't be confidential and how the information will be used, and possibly agreeing to keep their name out of it to the extent possible (which may be zero, depending)

HR people (or managers, for that matter) who mislead employees about confidentiality not only are operating without integrity but are also pretty much guaranteeing that over time no one will trust them, respect them, or tell them anything.

But HR people and managers who are clear and direct about how they may need to use information -- and who don't promise confidentiality before knowing if they can really keep that promise, instead saying explicitly, "I can't promise you that I can keep what you tell me off-the-record; I don't want you to think something is private because I may end up being obligated to share it" -- are generally able to maintain trusting and professional relationships with those around them. 

So back to your situation: Was the HR director in the wrong? It doesn't sound like you asked for or she promised confidentiality. You could definitely argue that she should have made a point of telling you that she would need to act on the information, but you could also argue that she assumed that was understood by virtue of you talking with her about it at all. 

Overall, never assume confidentiality.

my boss and coworkers are chronically absent

A reader writes:

Our department suffers from absenteeism and my boss is one of the biggest offenders. She just called in sick again today. Her habit of calling in sick regularly (not to mention coming in late and leaving early) means that the staff in our department feel entitled to do the same. This is a state agency and a union environment, so punitive measures aren't necessarily going to work. All of the staff have tons of sick time and it rolls over into the next year. Many people think of their sick time as vacation time.

I did talk to one of the administrators (who is my boss's boss) about the absentee problem two months ago. He said that my boss and I should work on team building. He also brought in a temp worker to cover three days a week, which was nice, but doesn't help solve the bigger problem. I didn't mention that my boss was part of the problem and I don't want to look like I am ratting her out.

He said that your boss should work on team building and hired a temp?

I don't think you're going to be able to fix this problem, because it doesn't sound like the people in charge care about fixing it. 

I should note here that the standard advice when you notice problems with your coworkers is not to say anything unless the problem is interfering with your ability to do your job and get results. I dislike that advice, and here's why: As a manager, I know that I'm not always going to see the same issues that my staff sees (partly because someone may deliberately shield me from that behavior), so I appreciate a discreet heads-up about what they might be observing that I haven't picked up on so that I know where I should pay closer attention. Of course, my take on the information might differ from the person relaying the info, but as long as they're okay with that, I'm always grateful to be filled in on something that might be a problem. Not every manager share this stance, but plenty of the good ones do.

So I think you did the right thing by attempting to alert your boss's boss. But now that he has that information, there's not much else you can do. 

It's possible that he is taking more action than you realize -- he may be watching the situation more closely now that you've alerted him to it, and he may have actually talked to your boss about it. In either of these cases, it's unlikely that he'd tell you that.

But assuming the problem continues, you can conclude that either he doesn't care or is more concerned with avoiding awkward conversations than with managing well and holding people to a high bar. In that case, your options are to (a) resign yourself to working somewhere poorly managed, or (b) leave and find yourself a boss who is willing to do her job. (I have a bias toward B, but there may be reasons for accepting A.)

This reminds of the "when your manager won't manage" rant that I wrote a couple of years ago, so here it is for inspiration: 

when your manager won't manage

my coworker relies too much on my help

A reader writes:

I have a friend at work, Anne, who joined our office a couple of years ago. She is frequently asking for my help - most of the time, it's to explain procedures or policies (not to actually do her work for her). She seems to be understanding most of it, but she still comes back to me "just to check" that her plan of action is correct.

I wonder if I'm actually hindering her progress, because she relies on having that "safety net" there. I get that she might not be confident in her ability, but in our line of work, if you make a mistake, you just go back and fix it. Obviously, we don't want to make mistakes but we all do at some point and it's not like we're doing brain surgery or something that can't be fixed.

It doesn't bother my bosses that I help her and it doesn't affect my work. In a way, it helps me sharpen my skills by having to teach her. However, Anne is in a higher position so it looks strange to our coworkers and other people in our office that she has to run stuff by me. Sometimes people go to her for help, and she asks me to join the conversation. I've heard from coworkers that Anne's boss is befuddled that I seem to always be helping Anne. Anne's boss has made one teasing comment (in my presence) about how she should just give me Anne's job since I do the work. And Anne doesn't hide the fact that she asks me - she tells everyone how much I help her out.

So I'm wondering if there's some way that I can tell Anne that I believe she understands enough of what she's doing and that she should trust that she can take care of her work alone? I obviously don't want to just say "stop asking me - figure it out yourself!"

I think you should be straightforward with her and tell her something like, "You know, I'm happy to be a resource for you, but I worry that you're selling yourself short by not trusting your own instincts more often. I'm worried we're creating a dynamic where your boss and others think you rely on me, and then you won't get as much credit as you should."

However, Anne may not care. She may be someone who is simply happier having the security of the safety net you provide, even if that comes at a cost to her career advancement. So your obligation is really just to point out to her the impression she may be creating and the fact that it may have consequences to the way she's perceived. What she does from there is really her call.

Now, if you were annoyed and wanted to get out of helping her so often, I'd give you different advice -- along the lines of setting boundaries, being unavailable more often when she comes to you for help, and so forth. But you don't sound annoyed, and in fact -- wisely, in my opinion -- recognize that it's developing your own skills to be put in that role.

So I would say point out to Anne what she may not see, but then let her figure out how she wants to act.

And by the way, at your next performance review, you should definitely point out that you are a much-relied-on resource for Anne. This is the kind of thing that is often a precursor to higher level positions.

coworker keeps staring at my chest

Employees hitting each other, a coworker wetting his pants, and now this -- is it just me or have the letters really taken a more bawdy turn around here lately? In any case...

A reader writes:

I just started a fantastic job working as a legal assistant to General Counsel for a small (60 employee) company. I absolutely love my work, my boss (who is possibly the coolest attorney I know) and most of my coworkers. I say most of because one of them is causing me a bit of discomfort, and I'm not sure what to do about it.

I'll say this in the most delicate of terms: I am a fairly large-breasted woman. I cover them appropriately during the workday, but it's not always as effective as I'd like it to be, and I understand that even in the most professional of environments, sometimes, people will look. It happens, and I don't take offense to it in most cases, because in most cases, it's generally pretty rare. But there is one particular employee, a manager who most of the higher ups like, including my boss. In fact, my boss plays poker with him - hence why I can't exactly talk to my boss about this particular situation.

This employee, we'll call him John, REALLY likes to stare at the chests of every young woman in the office, myself included. And when I say stare, I mean full-on, lower-your-eyes-and-even-your-head, talk-to-the-chest STARE. If it were just once in a while, again, I wouldn't really think much of it, but it's very difficult to work with this manager (which in my position is a frequent occurrence) when you can feel him trying to get a glimpse down your shirt. It really is VERY obvious, and it makes most of the ladies extremely uncomfortable. I'm not a very easily-offended person, and I suppose I'm not even so much offended here as just... squicked out.

I don't want to take it to HR, because that's a bit extreme for what I'm almost sure he doesn't realize he is doing. In addition, I don't know that my boss is the person to talk to either, given his friendship with the manager and my general uneasiness with going "higher up" at this point. Do you have a recommendation of how to handle this situation at a more personal level, short of wearing turtlenecks all year long?

Men, please correct me if I'm wrong, but I think guys who do this are generally oblivious.

There are all kinds of options to clue him in, from body language (pointedly crossing your arms over your chest), to worriedly looking down and asking if you have something on your shirt, to saying something direct ("my eyes are up here"). Hell, you could even send him an anonymous note telling him that many women in the office have noticed him staring at their chests and this is his chance to stop it before someone complains. 

One other option: Are there any women at his level or higher in your office? Discreetly mentioning it to one of them and asking if they can handle it without making a big deal about it is an option too.

And you should keep in mind that HR is of course an option as well, although I'd share your instinct to try to handle it directly first.

Whatever option you choose, you should say or do something, because it's making you and others uncomfortable. 

What do others think?

And I'll promise we'll get back to the more staid letters from here on out.

coworker is wetting his pants regularly -- what do I do?

A reader writes:

I found your blog while searching for help with a very uncomfortable and embarrassing problem. My co-worker has started wetting himself during work. I'm not kidding, this is not something to joke about as it could be a sign of serious health problems.

He wears beige colored pants and around the middle of the day, when he stands up, you can see a very large stain running down his pants. To make matters worse, he does not wash his pants, so one can see dried urine stains from previous days - by Friday it's pretty bad.

What do I do? It's very uncomfortable, it doesn't smell good but besides the selfish thoughts of how it makes me feel, what about his health? Shouldn't someone say something to him, based on health concerns alone?

I've mentioned this to his manager, he refuses to do anything. I've mentioned it to the HR director he said he would take care of it. Yet the problem persists.

Please advise - this is not something that is a very common problem so not getting much help by googling it.

Um. My first thought is that there's no way this guy doesn't know that it's happening, but I suppose it's possible that he really doesn't. But it pretty much has to be a medical problem, right? 

My next thought is that HR didn't handle it even though they said they would because they're too uncomfortable, which is a lame cop-out, and you should go back to them and tell them that they're doing this guy a disservice by allowing this to become a noticeable thing in the office.

Normally I would say that if you are at all close to this coworker, you could consider talking with him yourself ... but realistically, few people would have the balls for that, and anyway, this is a job for HR and they should do it. How about enlisting your own manager in helping you push for them to handle it?

You might also show HR this post, which has tips for talking to an employee about body odor, and there's some stuff there that could be adapted. 

One thing I mention in that post is that I think when there's something really awkward to be addressed, it helps to think about how you'd want it handled if it were you. But I really have no idea how I'd want someone to say this to me (and I'm feeling pretty grateful to have bladder control just thinking about it).

What do you guys think?

employee hit me, manager won't do anything

A reader writes:

I work as a supervisor in a call center-like environment. Technically I am a low level manager, but I am essentially powerless. My job is to keep work flowing to our operators consistantly from our various sites and be the communication hub between our sites, keyers, my superiors and our outsourcing company. I am supposed to be listened to, but if I am not the only thing I can do is go to my immediate superior, who then goes to his immediate superior, who is the first one with "manager" anywhere in his actual title. I am basically powerless unless I can convince those above me with actual power to act, and those above me dislike confrontation.

The other day, one of my employees was doing some work for another department. That department's supervisor came over and asked her to stop keying the work for a minute while she explained the plan for the day. The employee answered "No." This exchange repeated, and then I stepped in. I told my employee, again, to stop keying. She said "No." I decided this was enough and pushed the "ESC" key to exit the program. While I was stepping back, this employee grabbed my wrist and slapped my hand, and told me to "never touch my keyboard again." I told her that I would not have to as long as she listened to me when I gave her instructions. She again said "No."

After stewing in my seat for a few minutes, I went and reported the entire situation to my supervisor who reported it to his manager. This manager talked to a couple people who witnessed the incident and then spoke to HR. The next day I was asked by the employee this whole thing started with, "Are we gonna have a good day today?" As far as I'm concerned, this whole thing reeks of insubordination, something we were specifically told to report by the higher ups.

Anyway, the situation was "resolved" by having the employee sign a letter that was put into her permanent file. As far as I know, this particular employee has many letters in there already, and I do not feel it is getting the message across. Anytime I have spoken to the manager who handled this, I have been told the issue is closed. I do not feel that this is a satisfactory resolution, and have been advised to speak with HR directly, and at least try for an apology from the employee. Do you think it's worth the effort, or am I just going to get shut down again? I don't really think I want to work in a place where coworkers can strike each other in anger and not be dealt with in a meaningful way.

Everyone is in the wrong here -- the employee, your managers, and, to some extent, you.

We'll start with you, because your managers are a larger issue that we'll get to in a minute.

First, given the way you described your pretty powerless role, I'm not even clear on whether it was your role to intervene when the employee was ignoring the supervisor who told her to stop keying. But it definitely wasn't a great strategy to lean over and press her "escape" key, or to start bickering with her in front of others ("I told her that I would not have to as long as she listened to me when I gave her instructions").  When an employee is being insubordinate, the thing to do is to talk with them privately, let them know the behavior is unacceptable, and let them know what the consequences are if it continues. Your actions here were the actions of someone who isn't confident in their own power -- and understandably so, since your company has put you in a position where you're expected to oversee work without any actual authority. The way you handled this signals "I don't have more effective tools at my disposal."

I think you need more clarity on the boundaries of your role. Does your manager want you to deal with performance issues like this yourself, or just report them to her to handle? If you're supposed to deal with them yourself, are you actually expected to get them resolved or just to start the ball rolling (with someone else stepping in if this first-level intervention doesn't work)? It sounds like it's more the latter. This is, frankly, kind of a stupid position to put you in -- it would be more efficient for them to give you some real authority. But they've chosen not to, and so you need to work within those bounds.

I suggest that you talk to your manager and ask explicitly how she'd like you to handle insubordination or other performance problems if they occur in the future. Tell her that what you'd like to do is to speak with the employee privately about the issue and explain to them what the bar for performance or behavior is, and where they're falling short. Ask if that's appropriate for you to do. If not, find out what it is that you're supposed to be doing in these situations. But if she says yes, then you two should talk some more to get aligned on what the expectations are of your employees, how serious problems have to be before there are consequences, what those consequences are, and how they will be enforced. Right now, at a minimum, you guys are not on the same page about this -- clearly.

You also need to talk specifically about this employee, who is being rude and insubordinate to you. Find out from your manager how much of this behavior will be tolerated. You don't want to go blind into this situation and then find out after the fact that your managers won't support you. You need to know ahead of time when and how they'll have your back -- or even if.

Now, as for your bosses ... where to begin? Letting one employee slap another? Allowing open insubordination? I mean, they suck, clearly. Either they don't particularly care or they're afraid of setting and enforcing consequences. Either way, they're bad managers.

And either they've put you in a situation where they haven't given you the tools to do the job they're telling you to do, or they've horribly miscommunicated to you what that job is. So yeah, you have bad managers. You should try what I suggested above, but keep in mind that these people suck, so the results that you can get are probably limited.

By the way, that idea about asking for an apology from the insubordinate employee? Don't do that. Forced apologies are silly and meaningless. What you need from her is respectful interaction with you in the future -- but that goes both ways, which is why you need to change the tools you're using with her too. Good luck.