my coworker is angry that I complained about her many personal calls

A reader writes:

I sit directly behind a co-worker in my office who spends a good part of the day on personal phone calls. How does she get away with this? She slinks down in her desk, holds her cell phone close to her face so her indiscretions are not easily seen --- or --- the other extreme, she talks loudly enough to be very distracting. We get paid similar salaries for similar work. I always work for my paycheck, she sometimes works for hers.

Two years ago during my annual review I mentioned that a co-worker's personal phone calls were distracting. The manager knew immediately who I was talking about. Nothing was done and nothing changed.

Finally, this week, after months and months of aggravation, pent-up anger and frustration, I went to a different person in management who is the only other person who can testify to this co-worker's personal phone time. I asked him to discreetly tell our boss what both he and I go through each day. He said he should have probably mentioned something long ago.

Obviously, he wasn't discreet, because now that the co-worker has been informed, she and her "friends" at work are cold and snide to me -- the fink. I may as well have the word branded on my forehead. I wish I would have handled things differently, but it's a difficult thing to do with administration who would rather neglect the problem than deal with it.

Finally my question -- do I just go about my business and do my best to ignore the backlash, or do I somehow address my co-worker, manager, anyone?

Ugh. 

First of all, let's talk about the right way for your manager to have handled this. If she were a good manager, when you first mentioned the issue to her two years ago (two years! holy crap), she should have immediately addressed the situation -- without involving you. But obviously, if she were a good manager, she wouldn't have a staff member who has spent years not performing at a high level. (Which I'm assuming is the case, based both on your word and on the fact that it's hard for me to imagine someone kicking ass at their job when they're on personal calls all day long.) So we already know she's not a good manager, because she either didn't realize or didn't care that she had a low performer on her staff.  Once you brought the issue to her, the problem expanded: Now not only did she not care that she had a low performer, but she also apparently didn't care that another staff member was being distracted and demoralized by this person's behavior.

Of course, maybe she cared -- but not enough to face the awkwardness and unpleasantness of doing something effective about it. Which in my book is the same as not caring.

A good manager faced with this situation would have addressed it immediately. She would have taken a hard look at your coworker's output and results, which alone probably would have given her something significant to talk with your coworker about. But she also would done her own investigation into the phone call issue -- by spending more time in your office area, coming by unexpectedly, and so forth -- so that she could see the problem for herself. At that point, she would have said something like, "Jane, I've noticed that you're spending a lot of time on the phone, on what appear to be personal calls. I need to ask you to rein that in considerably, both because I'd like your attention focused on work and because I'm sure it's distracting to people around you." In other words, not mentioning your comments at all. And then she would have followed up through her own observation and by checking back with you to make sure that happened ... and if it didn't, she would have dealt with it the way good managers deal with any performance problem -- by setting clear standards and enforcing clear consequences for not meeting those standards. 

But she didn't do that. Instead, she fumbled this and allowed you to end up being blamed -- for something that in fact other people should bear the blame for: your coworker, obviously, but also your manager, for letting this go on so long.

So, what do you do now, given that she's mishandled it? You have two basic choices:

1. You could address your coworker's coldness head-on, by saying, "Hey, is everything okay? You seem upset with me." She'll either raise it or not, and if she does, you might be able to clear the air. If you go this route, I'd just be straightforward about the fact that all her personal calls make it hard for you to concentrate -- although be prepared for her to say that you should have said something directly to her first, which is a valid point (although not the main point). 

In fact, I actually think it's reasonable to apologize for not approaching her about it first, if in fact you didn't -- don't apologize for raising it at all, of course, but for not telling her it was bothering you before you took it higher.

Taking this even further, you could even open the topic proactively instead of waiting for her to bring it up -- you could say, "Hey, I want to let you know that I mentioned to Karen that I was finding your personal calls distracting, and I realized in retrospect that I should have talked to you about it first and given you the chance to address it."

2. You could ignore your coworker's coldness and assume it'll go away in time. 

And actually, there's a third option too, one that I'd push more strongly if we weren't in the middle of a recession: You could look for a job where the manager actually manages -- where she sets a high bar and holds people accountable to it, addresses it straightforwardly when people aren't meeting it, and creates a culture where no one would ever be able to get away with two-plus years of low productivity.

Because overall, the real problem here is your manager. Your loquacious coworker is just a symptom.

what should I say/ask as I leave my internship?

A reader writes:

I wrote to you about whether or not to extend my internship back in April (from the “Should I Extend My Internship” post) and thought I could share with you an update. After much pondering about weighing the pros and cons of doing so, I decided to go ahead and extend my internship. Yes, same internship, same manager too. I am just about to wrap up my internship and as I reflect back on whether or not it was a good choice, I believe that it was. I took the advice you gave about working on long-term projects and it did help a lot. I was able to do several projects on my own without a whole lot of assistance from my manager.

The only thing that gave me second thoughts about it was that I did feel as if I stuck around for too long. It's almost been a year now with the extension. I know I will not get a job offer from this organization due to a lot of budget cutbacks. One other thing, I didn't really have much of a mentor-mentee relationship with my manager as I had before. There were a few things I wanted my manager/mentor's advice on about my career goals, but I guess I just didn't feel comfortable approaching my mentor for advice anymore or maybe it was just the lack of time issue.

But overall despite the time issue, I think my manager is still one of the greatest mentors I've had. I did get a thank you gift and letter. I also do plan on staying in touch. Any advice on saying goodbye or what would be good questions or topics to say for that "final conversation?"

Yes! This is a really great opportunity to get feedback that can help you develop professionally. I'd ask things like:

* Do you have thoughts on where I did especially well and what things I should focus on improving in? (If you don't get a real answer to the last part of this when you first ask it, reiterate that you truly want to know. Some people get more honest when you make it clear you're not going to be offended. If she still won't tell you, phrase it this way: "If you could wave a magic wand over my head and tweak something about my habits or skills or approach, what would it be?")

* What kind of role do you think I'd really excel in?

* Can you think of anyone in your network who might be good for me to connect with for future openings?

Also, tell her what you got out of the experience and why it was valuable to you. In particular, tell her what a great mentor she was, and why. People don't say this sort of thing enough -- often because they think the person is too important or advanced in their career to care -- but people generally love hearing it. Even important and prominent people love hearing it. Say it!

(And not only is it a nice thing to do -- which is reason enough -- but it will also likely make her more invested in your professional future, or at least more willing to help you if the opportunity arises. People like people who like them.)

Anyone else have suggestions?

should I tell my conservative coworkers that I'm gay?

A reader writes:

I'm an associate at a mid-sized law firm (approximately 40 employees in three states), and I've worked here a little over a year. I love the job, and enjoy most of my co-workers, except for the handful of very conservative, religious ones (as you'll see in the next paragraph, this isn't just liberal vitriol). People don't talk much about their personal lives, but all make casual references to spouses, fiancees and weekend plans occasionally.

My question is about the appropriate level of personal disclosure. I've been with my girlfriend for three years, but everyone at work thinks I'm single and straight, and neither is true. I'm getting tired of lying, but don't want to deal with the reactions of my conservative colleagues who could also influence my performance reviews and possible bonuses. Do you have any suggestions, or at least a sense of how long it's appropriate to keep things to myself? I'm closest to the managing partner, who is wonderful to work with but is very socially conservative as well.

If the question is about what level of personal disclosure is appropriate at work, the answer is that casual references to your girlfriend's existence and activities you did together over the weekend or upcoming plans you have together are all appropriate, just like they are for your coworkers and their own significant others.

But this question is really about coming out at work in an environment that you think might not be safe to do so in. So:

1. Do you want to work somewhere that might penalize you for something so fundamental to who you are and also so none of their business? I know that sounds like a loaded question, like of course you have to answer "no" to it, but it's actually a genuine question. Different people weigh different things differently, and it's legitimate if your bottom line is that you want the job and the peace of mind of not worrying about bias. So to some extent, this is about knowing what's most important to you.

2. However, in a broader sense of what's good for the world, there's a real advantage to your being out, in that you'll be someone they know, like, and respect who they learn is gay. Bigotry becomes harder when the object of your bigotry is right there in front of you in likable form, and many a homophobe has been reformed by learning that a daughter, brother, or friend is gay.  Of course, you're under no obligation to be a learning opportunity for the bigots of the world, but it's something to think about.

3. Last, I wonder if you know for sure that these conservative, religious coworkers are also homophobes, because there are certainly plenty of conservative, religious people who are not. So if you don't actually know that and are just guessing based on their politics, you might be pleasantly surprised if you give them the benefit of the doubt. Or, of course, you might not.

Any advice out there from others who have dealt with this?

my boss gives in to my co-worker's temper tantrums

A reader writes:

I'm preparing for my January yearly evaluation with my boss... and I'm already worrying about some issues I want to bring up. Our department is small with only four positions. The budget person in our office is rather controlling and has made my life difficult these past few months in particular.

My boss is kind but this work colleague (she's a peer, not a supervisor, and I'll call her X) does sway her decisions quite a bit since they have worked together the past 10 years.

One of the worst things that has happened these past few months concerns my purchasing duties in the office. I was approached by my boss for a meeting to take away these duties due to X's concerns. I was not doing the purchasing incorrectly, but X did not like my filing system (which I was never approached about). Since X was going through a death in the family at the time, my boss asked me to just let X take control of those duties instead of fighting her on this.

It's just gotten worse since then, over the most minute of issues. Just last week, X threw a fit when I left for lunch and only confirmed it with the front desk person and not with her. X threw the fit in front of my boss, and now we have assigned lunch times.

I've been at this office over three years, and while I am looking for other jobs, the economy dictates that I'll be here a bit longer. My question is... how do I bring up my issues with X appropriately during my evaluation? I know that my boss will ask me how I'm doing/feeling at the office... and even though I am uncomfortable speaking out against anyone (feels like tattle-telling for some reason), I would like an easier work environment and my job duties back.

You have assigned lunch times? Your office has bigger issues beyond X herself -- you have a manager who gives in to the person who yells the loudest.

Okay, a few things. First, have you approached X yourself about this? It sounds like she's continually getting the message that she can behave this way with impunity and no one will stand up to her. You don't even need to take a particularly adversarial approach; you can just calmly express your own reasonable opinion in the face of her crazy one. For instance: "I didn't let you know when I went to lunch because it would be highly unusual for me being away from the office for an hour to impact your ability to do your job. What are you seeing that I'm missing?" And also, "It seems to me that assigning lunch times is introducing a fairly high level of bureaucracy where none is needed. Let's talk about the problem that needs to be addressed and figure out the most effective and direct way to fix it." And, "Hey X, Beth told me that you have some concerns about my filing system. It's actually been working really well, but tell me what you're seeing that bothers you so I can figure out if we need to change something."

Ideally, if you're not already doing that, you'd start that before involving your boss. If I'm your boss and you tell me that you have a problem with how someone behaves toward you, the first thing I'm going to ask you is what you've tried in response. That doesn't mean that I won't intervene if you've done nothing and the situation is severe enough, but it does mean that I'm going to at a minimum wonder why you haven't tried asserting yourself, and I might suggest that you try it before I step in. (That said, your boss in this situation is an obvious enabler of X's bad behavior herself, so I'm not exempting her from blame here at all.)

In any case, you have a couple of options for how to raise this with your boss, depending on what kind of relationship you have with her:

1. You can be straightforward: "X is making it harder for me to do my job because she's developed a pattern of loudly voicing her opinion about areas that don't impact her own work, but do impact mine. And because she's generally the most strident person on any issue that comes up, people seem to find it easier to give in to her. I don't want to see us making decisions based on who yells the loudest, and I'm worried that we're getting in a cycle of doing that."

2. You can frame this as asking for your boss's advice: "I want to have a good relationship with her but also preserve appropriate boundaries and ensure that we're making decisions based on what will be most effective, not on who's asserting themselves the most vigorously. Do you have any advice that will help?"

(This all assumes that you have a boss who is at least somewhat open to reason and who isn't totally in X's pocket.)

Also, you don't have to wait for your evaluation in two months to bring this up. You can raise it in the same way the next time X throws a tantrum.

I'm also wondering about what other ways in which your boss's willingness to take the easy way out might be playing out. Is this really the only one?

temp worker's new account manager is a jerk

A reader writes:

I work for a temp agency and a new account manger took over there. The first call he made to me I thought was disrespectful and unprofessional.

Without going into the whole conversation, he was angry that I did not respond to his email, which I had and told him that I had (I forwarded a copy of the sent email after the call ended). He told me "I pay your bills," which I thought was disrespectful. I pay my bills after working every week for 40 hours for his client. The only thing he does is approve the hours I have worked, he doesn't even sign my paycheck. 

He then told me that he wanted my time card in every Monday morning and "DO I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?" which I thought was combative. I mean, why would I have a problem sending him my time card?

The tone and manner in which he spoke to me has me baffled. He doesn't know me or even know what I do for his client and I thought he was way out of line.

He wants to have a face to face and in that meeting, I would like to very calmly tell him how uncomfortable I was and that the tone and manner in which he spoke to me is unacceptable. Any suggestions?

Wow. This guy sounds like an ass.

If I were in your shoes, I would say something like the following, calmly and professionally: "I appreciate the chance to get to talk to you face-to-face. I've always had a very good experience with XYZ Agency, which has always treated me in a professional and supportive manner and made me feel me feel valued. In light of that experience, and the fact that I've always been reliable and responsive, your tone the other day surprised me. I might have misinterpreted, but are there any concerns about my work that would have caused that?"

Obviously, even if there were concerns about your work, it doesn't justify him behaving that way. But this is a good question to ask to frame the conversation. And if he does somehow come up with any concerns, say, "I really appreciate you telling me that, and I'm always appreciative of feedback. I'd ask, however, that we both talk to each other with respect, even if there's a problem to be discussed. I've always found XYZ Agency to be great at doing that, and it's one of the things that made me choose this agency to work for." (This last part is a good way to diplomatically suggest that he may be unaligned with how his employer does things, and to emphasize that you are choosing to work there and have options.)

Now, some bullies react poorly when someone stands up to them. But some back down pretty fast when someone shows they won't stand for rudeness. You won't know which kind you're dealing with until you try, but if he continues being a jerk at this point, you'll need to decide how much you want to continue working for this agency if you're going to have to deal with him.

You might also consider going over his head and talking to someone else there -- if I were his manager, I'd sure as hell want to know that he was alienating people for no reason. But that approach carries the risks that (a) his manager won't care and he'll hear about it and be even worse to you or (b) his manager will care, but not enough to stop him from subtly screwing you over in regard to future work assignments. So for that, you need to really know what your bottom line is -- are you willing to risk those things, or would you rather play it safe even if it means accepting this kind of treatment?

one complaint about bosses that doesn't hold water

Evil HR Lady is so good that I want to link to everything she writes, but I don't because that would be ridiculous.  However, sometimes I cannot resist.

In her BNET column today, she answers a question from someone frustrated that she keeps getting poor performance evaluations and can't get promoted. The entire thing is excellent, but one piece jumped out to me in particular. In response to the letter-writer's mention that she trained her bosses when they started (which she was citing as evidence that she's doing a good job), Evil HR Lady wrote:

"I’ve never had a job where I didn’t know more about my area of focus than my boss did. Even back when my summer job was to stick pictures onto real estate appraisal reports with two sided tape, I knew more about how the pictures were organized than my bosses did. Why? Because that wasn’t their job, it was mine. I’m not trying to brag. As a general rule, this is how it should be. You should be the subject matter expert in your job. Your boss should understand your job enough to do his job, but he’s got a different job to do."

Yes, yes, yes! I have frequently heard people cite this kind of thing -- "I know subject X better than he does!" -- as part of their litany of complaints about their boss. I even once heard someone who was complaining about the head of the organization mention that he had never taught her anything about how to use the organization's database, whereas her coworkers had. (The obvious response to that is, "Good. The problem would be if the CEO was going around teaching people to use a database.")

There are lots of legitimate reasons to complain about a boss. But this is not one of them.

when I asked for a raise, my boss responded, "who should I fire?"

A reader writes:

I'm in the media world. I'm emphasizing this because it seems that every attempt at getting advice use it seems that every attempt at getting advice for any work-related issue ends with "Hey, it's media, the rules don't apply." Maybe you can help me.

My boss is a monster. Exceptionally inappropriate, emotionally abusive, manipulative, etc. I've dealt with it. But what happened to really set me off was the following: After 3 years+ at my current job title, I asked for a promotion. My workload had increased by 70%, my responsibilities are in-line with those of a higher title, I've put in another jobs' worth of extra hours--all without sacrificing quality. Other co-workers had received the promotion to my desired title, though their workloads had not increased, etc. So I thought I was pretty good for the bump finally. I asked professionally and received the following response: "As much as I want to, you're definitely qualified, you do an exceptional job, but in order to do that...I'd have to fire another person to justify to our CEO the title change. Who should I fire?"

I believe I sat there, a bit dumbfounded, and instead asked what I could do to get the title change. "Nothing, you're definitely doing the work and you're more than qualified." She said that she could make a case for me in a few months, during budget review, but couldn't make any promises. Since then, she's told all of my coworkers how I asked for a promotion and did not get one.

These are all inappropriate things, right? I'm losing my perspective as to if this is an OK thing for her to do. 

Yes, it's highly inappropriate.

First of all, she can't change your title without firing someone? That's BS. And even it were somehow true, which it's not, her asking you, "Who should I fire?" is a transparent and disgusting attempt to manipulate you into backing down. 

Look, maybe she really is facing budget constraints, but a good manager would have said, "I agree that your work is great and warrants a promotion. Unfortunately, I don't have a slot to promote you into right now, and my hands are tied from above. But I'm committed to making sure your work is recognized, and we're revisiting the budget in two months, and I'm going to see what I can do then. Meanwhile, what else can we do to ensure you feel valued?"

Second, she told all your coworkers that you asked for a promotion and didn't get one? I cannot imagine in what context she would bring this up, or why. It's astonishingly unprofessional.

This woman is a jerk, plain and simple. Go get that promotion from another company.

should you have to buy office supplies with your own money?

A reader writes:

This past week, my boss's boss paid a visit to our branch. He was telling me that he wants to see beverages, candy and snack-type foods available for when clients visit. He reminded me that corporate does not provide petty cash, and so I would be expected to pay out of pocket for these items, which I can then submit to payroll for reimbursement. 

Is it normal for a company to expect employees to do this? I am already living paycheck to paycheck (and searching for a new job with a different employer). I don't want to "loan" this multi-million dollar company any of my money. Am I being unreasonable?

You aren't being unreasonable at all. These are office supplies. They should provide petty cash -- or, better, they should just order this stuff using a company credit card, like they would with any other supplies. Are they also going to tell you that you need to purchase toilet paper and hand soap for the office and then submit for reimbursement?

Talk to your boss and tell her that it would be a hardship for you to make these purchases out of your own money and suggest alternatives, like ordering them online and charging them to the company. If you want to, say that you keep yourself on a strict budget. (You don't owe an explanation, but offering one often softens these kinds of conversations.) And if your boss won't implement any of your suggestions, explain that financially you simply can't do this and someone else (like your boss) will need to.

One note: Even though you're feeling irate, don't take that into the conversation. Be polite and friendly; don't make it adversarial. You're much more likely to get a good outcome that way.

And a good boss would find a solution to this, because a good boss wouldn't want you to feel personally burdened by the company's expenses, and also wouldn't want you to have to take on the awkwardness of having to push it.

help, my bullying ex-boss is out of control

A reader writes:

A year ago, I took a part time job while my daughter was at school. It was for a pet-sitting company walking dogs. I was an independent contractor. While I knew the owner was passive-aggressive, I learned to just limit my contact and did what I had to do and developed a loyal group of clients who routinely called requesting me for their dogs. I was up-front with my boss that I had a chronic disease  (Crohn's) that required me to go into the hospital for treatment on a regular basis, but I made sure it never impacted my job.

Fast forward a year. The manager of the company goes on medical leave and my boss asks if I want to fill in for the manager. I was made an employee, my hours were to be 9-6 Monday to Friday. The old manager e-mails to say she does not want to come back. I was not asked if I liked the job and wanted to keep it, it was just assumed that I was keeping it.

Long story short, in a month I lose 20 pounds, my health plummets, I am working 6:30am-10pm 7 days a week. I was making $900 for 2 weeks of work. My doctors demand that for my health I have to quit. I notify my boss. Her husband calls and start trying to bully me that don't I understand that this is a $350k a year business, how could I do this to them? Wasn't our relationship better than this? 

I have barely been gone a week and I am still receiving emails to my personal account and phone calls to my home, some of it work-related, like do I know about this client, or non-work related, like if her sunglasses are at my house. She has everything, the problem is she does not want to actually do the work and actually look for the information.

Since this is not a contract that I had to be let off of or anything even remotely close and she has all the information at her fingertips if she actually wants to take the time to look it up herself, she is just choosing to harass me knowing that I am supposed to be seeing my doctors, taking new medications, and getting extra treatments in the hopes of not forcing my husband to have to get an emergency transport back from Baghdad (where he is stationed) because I couldn't tell her to take a hike sooner.

Do I have any legal rights in Virginia to tell her to stop contacting me?

Uh, yes. You are not in perpetual servitude to her just because you once worked for her. You don't work for her anymore, and she has NO rights to your time. None. This woman is taking advantage of you. Stop allowing it, today.

Email her and say that you need to focus exclusively on your health and you can't return any more calls or emails. You can add that your doctors have told you to eliminate stress in your life (as stress is a huge factor in Crohn's), and you must ask her to stop contacting you while you focus on recovering.

Or, if you want to be less direct, say that you're leaving town for several weeks and will no longer be reachable.

Then program your email so her messages go straight to your trash and you don't have to deal with the headache of seeing them.

Update: As I was partway through writing this, I received the following update from the letter-writer:

I just got a voice mail from my former boss telling me that I would not be getting my last check since I told her I would be having a lawyer review the termination papers she sent since they clearly stated that I had to initial a line stating that I did already have the opportunity to have my lawyer review them.

Figures. But she doesn't have the option of just deciding not to pay you. Send her a brief email explaining that Virginia law (Va. Code § 40.1-29) requires that a final paycheck be issued to a resigning employee no later than the next scheduled payday. Furthermore, an employer who violates the law is guilty of a misdemeanor (or a felony for subsequent convictions) and a fine of up to $1,000, plus interest to you on the overdue wages.

Send her an email noting the above and saying that you hope she won't force the issue, since you would rather not cause her that hassle, but that if you don't receive your check on time, you'll have no choice but to contact the Virginia Department of Labor in order to enforce the law. Tell her that if you haven't heard from her with 48 hours, you will file a complaint with the DoL. (And then email me again and I'll do it for you, because you don't need the stress.)

This woman is an ass. I'm glad you're not working for her anymore.

guilt over leaving team behind as I leave a toxic workplace

A reader writes:

I've been in a fairly toxic workplace for two years, and in one week I'm finally done with my contract and am moving on to greener, and saner pastures. This is all well and good, except I'm leaving behind a small team of people who I've grown very close to while I've managed them.

And I know things are about to get much, much worse for them at work.

The company is in trouble financially, which we all know: it was used as an excuse to downsize, move us to tiny offices, increase unpaid overtime, not give raises, bonuses or paid leave, etc. We've all pulled together to make that work because we loved what we do. We used to have a really incredibly bad owner, who recently sold the company to her partner and fled: we're still uncovering the mess she made of things. I'm the manager, and as such even though I'm leaving, I'm still being called into meetings about the future of the company. This makes me nervous on a couple of levels as I never want to be accused of taking company secrets to my new employer, and I'd really rather prefer if they DIDN'T have the money talks in front of me, but I'm not quite sure how to make that stop- I'm still here, doing my job, for one more week (I gave 3 months notice), and part of my job is planning for the future. It also means I'm privy to things my team is not- like further plans to downsize, or that they're planning on moving another company also owned by our new owner into our small workspace. 

Our direct manager as well is feeling the pressure, and with the prospect of me leaving, has started to make some changes to the workplace that I feel will be detrimental, to the work, the culture, and the team I'm leaving behind. Add to that that I found and hired my replacement, who I'm now worried is going to get burned by all this, and I'm feeling incredibly guilty and confused.

My question: what can I do for them? Do I have a responsibility to stick my nose in all this mess that is going to come raining down as of Monday (my last day is Friday) or does my leaving mean I can't have anything to do with it? Is there some trick to just washing your hands and moving on?

Okay, some principles to keep in mind about all this:

1. It is normal in a situation like this to feel guilty that you're jumping off a (possibly) sinking ship and leaving people behind you. But these are adults who are getting plenty of signals themselves about what's going on. The downsizing, the smaller offices, the halting of paid leave (!), the fleeing owner -- your coworkers may not have all the same information you do, but they have enough to understand that the situation isn't secure or stable. Anyone who is shocked by further downsizing in that context and didn't see it coming was almost willfully not paying attention. So you don't need to struggle with whether you need to sound an alarm for them -- the situation is already warning them. They may not know the specifics that you know, but they know the situation isn't good, and they're making their own calculations accordingly.

2. And that's good, because you really can't share confidential information that your job makes you privy to. This is the nature of some jobs; you signed up for a job that would expose you to internal decision-making and you agreed to keep it confidential. That stuff is not always easy, especially when you're learning about things that will affect your coworkers, but there's no exception in the confidentiality provision for "when it becomes hard."

3. What you can do is talk to people in ways that don't violate your confidentiality obligations, particularly since your own departure provides an obvious context. So if a coworker expresses uncertainty to you about whether they should be job-searching themselves, you can point out that in an unstable situation like your company is currently in, it's always smart to line up options. And particularly for the people you manage, I could even argue that part of the job means having a final talk with them about their career plans before you head out. Ask questions, listen, and give advice. Just don't violate your confidentiality obligations.

4. You can also strongly advise your manager to be as transparent as possible with the staff about what's going on. You can direct her to information about managing downsizing well; there's a lot out there that argues that being open and transparent is the key to recovering from periods like this. She should read it, and you should push her to. (Whether she does or not is ultimately up to her, but you can strongly advise it.)

5. Similarly, regarding your manager making changes that you see as detrimental, all you can do is give the best counsel you can. Make your case for why these changes would be harmful and offer alternatives. Tell her you feel strongly, if you do. But from there, it's up to her. You've done all you can do, and you shouldn't beat yourself up for not being able to somehow stop her.

6. Regarding your concern that they're continuing to involve you in meetings and you're worried about being accused of taking company secrets to your new employer -- they know you're leaving. They're freely sharing information with you (probably because part of your job is to be involved in this sort of planning and they still want your expertise). I don't think you need to worry about later accusations.

I know a lot of people's response to all this would be, "It's no longer your problem." And to some extent that's true, and you're probably going to feel like that in a month or two. But this in-between period -- when you're on way out but not quite out yet -- is really hard.

Update: After I wrote this response, I received this P.S. from the letter-writer:

I should also mention that my direct manager hasn't been handling this too well either. I've attempted to make a few suggestions/comments about her proposed changes I think aren't a good idea, and the general response has been something like we need to do these things in order to stay solvent (not necessarily true) and that if I want my end-of-service benefits, vacation payout, and all the other end of contract payout stuff that I'm entitled to, we have to do x, y, or z. So basically, all of the really brutal stuff that's about to happen is happening because I wanted what was contractually promised to me so I can leave. There's a lot of guilt going on right now. 

No, it's not happening because you want what was contractually promised to you. It's happening because the owner of the company mismanaged things. And I don't buy that fulfilling their obligations to you -- which sound pretty standard and not extravagant -- will be what triggers brutal cuts elsewhere. I think that's BS, unless your end-of-service benefits are equivalent to an entire salary or two, which I strongly doubt. Your manager is telling you that out of frustration or in an outright attempt to guilt you into giving some of them up. This is a contractual obligation, the company is obligated to fulfill it, and their mismanagement is on their hands, not yours.

my co-worker is chronically absent

A reader writes:

I work in a children's program part-time alongside another teacher who works the same hours as I do (about 10/week). We are the only 2 regular teachers in this program. Anyway, my co-worker chronically schedules appointments on the mornings we are scheduled to work. She has many crises in her life so between her and her children, she has many appointments. Historically she has done this in the past, but I thought that with a new director/boss, it would be a brand new start for all of us there.

Anyway, our director/boss knows about her upcoming appointments and we are scrambling around to get substitutes, but it's difficult for me to work alongside someone new every time we run a program because then I have to fill them in on what we're doing. It's difficult for the children because they don't know who's going to be there from one week to the next. In the next 3 weeks, she will only be working 1 program out of 9 scheduled.

What can I do or say to my boss and/or my co-worker? I did ask her the other day not to schedule appointments during the mornings we're scheduled to work (2 mornings/week!!). But I need some help in how to deal with this so I don't become negative about work. I want to enjoy my time there, not worry constantly about who's going to be there and who isn't.

Ideally, your boss would sit down with your coworker, tell her that the program needs to count on her being at work reliably, and ask whether, going forward, she's able to commit to being at work reliably, with absences only in rare circumstances. (And ideally she'd quantify "rare," since not everyone defines that the same way.) And she'd let her know that, while she's sympathetic to your coworker's situation, the job does require a reliable presence and if that's not realistic for your coworker right now, the job isn't the right fit. And then she'd stick to that, meaning that if the problem continued, your boss would replace her.

Ideally.

The fact that your boss hasn't done this indicates that either (a) your boss somehow doesn't know the extent of the problem or its history or (b) your boss is a pushover who isn't assertive about holding people accountable. 

You said that your boss is new -- is it possible that she doesn't realize the history here and thinks that your coworker's upcoming absences are an aberration?

If I were you, I'd talk to your boss, explain the duration of the problem, and explain the impact on you and the program. You want to do this calmly and unemotionally -- don't attribute motivations to your coworker, just focus on the facts and the impact. If you get the sense that your boss feels helpless to do anything about it -- which hopefully isn't going to be the case but, realistically, might be -- suggest that if she agrees that reliable attendance is an essential part of the job, she should find out if your coworker can meet those requirements going forward, and hire someone new if your coworker can't.

From there, it's in your boss's hands. At that point, you've done what you can do, and if your boss doesn't act, you probably need to accept that you have a boss who doesn't set standards and hold people accountable to them -- in other words, a manager who doesn't manage. 

explaining to my boss that marital stress is impacting my work

A reader writes:

I'm a software developer, and I've been separated from my wife for eight months; we've been together over ten years. I brought the house into the marriage, but didn't get a pre-nuptial agreement, so family law in my jurisdiction says she gets half the value of the house. When she gets her half of the family capital, she's moving out -- yes, we've been living together for the last eight months. The older step-son is attending university, and I've said I'll pay for that while he stays with me. My younger step-son is moving out with my wife, and will finish high school while living with her. If I want to keep the house (I do), I'm going to have to re-mortgage the house; with interest rates rising I'm not sure I'm going to be able to get approval for that, which means selling the house I've been in for 20 years, paying the real estate agent a huge commission and moving.

While this has been going on, I've been driving my wife into work and picking her up on the way home -- so I'm on her schedule. In anticipation of taking the house back, I've been paying all of the family-related bills, including insurance on the van she drives and her cell phone.

I tried to resolve the marital issue -- when I knew things were going downhill, starting about 2.5 years ago, I tried to discuss things with my wife, without success. Eventually, I arranged sessions with a marriage counsellor, and we saw her every two weeks for 14 months; the conclusion was that we were trying to revive a marriage that had been dead for some time. I then contacted a lawyer, collected all of the family's financials, and got the lawyer to do the calculations to suggest a buyout that I could offer my wife. My wife ridiculed my lawyer's calculations, demanded more than twice what my lawyer suggested would be fair, but refused to get a lawyer of her own until three weeks ago.

I've been with my employer 2.5 years, and is my six month review is coming up. Friday I got a hint from my team lead that he was hoping my production would improve soon. The complication is that he's a good friend of mine -- we've known each other for close to ten years. He's aware of the stresses I'm going through; when I'm able to focus on my work, I'm very good at what I do. Sometimes I can't focus, and I surf the net, read the headlines, and generally goof off (no games, no porn, I'm just not doing any work).

I understand this sounds like a ridiculous and tragic soap opera; all along I've tried my best to resolve the situation, but right now I'm carrying a lot of stress, and on of the things it's affecting is my job performance. I just hope I can explain that in a rational way at my performance review. Your thoughts?

Tell your boss that you know the stress is impacting your performance. It's far better to have him think that your performance is suffering due to stress in your personal life than just that your performance is suffering. Tell him you're aware of it, it's a difficult time, and that you're making a concerted effort to get past it. Ask for some flexibility in the meanwhile. 

Good bosses understand that employees are human and that they have personal lives, and that sometimes really difficult things happen in their personal lives. If you were dealing with the death of a close family member, I wonder if you'd be being so hard on yourself for being impacted by it. Divorce is stressful too, and you should allow yourself that.

That said, you do need to make a point of working on strategies to minimize the impact on your work. Stop giving in to the impulse to goof off online at work. You might even consider one of the programs that block you from the Internet for specific chunks of time.

On a personal note, it might be worth considering that driving your wife to and from work everyday might really be above and beyond the call of duty, particularly since it's impacting your ability to devote more time to your job, and particularly since your wife isn't exactly being nice to you in return. You might also do whatever you can to speed up your wife's exit from your home, since I have to think that continuing to live together is simply prolonging this suffering, and delaying the day when you can start moving forward.

This sucks. Talk to your boss about how it's impacting your work, ask him to work with you while this is playing out, and good luck.

dealing with a micromanager

I'm quoted in this article on dealing with a micromanaging boss. Here's an excerpt:

First, figure out why your boss is a micromanager. Usually, you've either given her reason to micromanager you by your performance, or she's a micromanager in general. It's important to figure out which it is, says Alison Green, author of the blog "Ask a Manager." 

"People rarely ask, 'What have I done that's inspiring this scrutiny from my boss?' Instead, they're often just annoyed by it, which prevents them from being able to take the actions that could change it. Ultimately the manager's job is to ensure that the work is done well, and [if you aren't delivering], a good manager would have reason not to go on faith," Green says. "But if you're confident that your boss has no reason to doubt your work and/or your ability to stay on top of it, then this may simply be the style she uses with everyone."

The article aside, let's expand on this. If you drop the ball on things more often than very occasionally, forget details, don't follow up on things, miss deadlines, or produce work that requires a lot of changes from others, a good manager would get more closely involved—because ultimately the manager's job is to ensure that the work is done well. (Of course, if this sort of scrutiny continues to be required in the long term, a good manager would also address the problem in a larger context—meaning helping you improve or concluding you're not the right fit.) So, the first step is to ask yourself some tough questions to figure out if the problem is actually you.

But if you're confident that your boss has no reason to doubt your work, and this is just her style with everyone, try talking to her. Give specific examples of projects where you felt you could have worked more effectively if you weren't on such a short leash, and ask if there's anything you're doing that makes her feel she can't trust you and how you can work with more autonomy. Suggest other ways to keep her in the loop, such as weekly reports or weekly meetings, so that she doesn't feel she needs to check in as much. If she's resistant, suggest she experiment by giving you more autonomy on one specific project to see how it goes.

In the best case scenario, this approach can persuade a boss to ease up and find more appropriate ways to stay involved. But if nothing else, this approach will at least tell you whether or not things are likely to ever change. And if you learn that they're not, you can then decide if it's something you're willing to live with or not ... which is pretty much the formula for dealing with any workplace frustration.

rejected for an internal promotion

A reader writes:

I am an aspiring manager in the organization I work for. I have been there for three years and have repeatedly acted as the deputy manager within my section (my boss was on the verge of retirement, so was out a lot) and have handled some very stressful and high-profile situations. Basically, I feel like I have proven myself and have become an invaluable member of the organization.

Recently, my supervisor's position came open and I applied for it. After two interviews, I was informed that I was the first choice but because I had never had a formal management position before (I'm relatively young), I could not be placed in the position. The hiring manager expressed a desire the help me move toward that goal, but now I feel as if I am essentially stuck unless I somehow get my job description changed and become a manager of some temporary employees (albeit, for less pay and less benefits that the job I was up for).

So basically, how can I handle this gracefully? My new supervisor has way less experience than I do and I have been asked to still perform the duties, however he would have the pay increase and benefits. I feel like I should basically take this as a sign to move on to greener pastures. Should I believe the hiring manager when they say they want to keep me and help develop my professional experience, or are they just telling me that to soften the blow? Truthfully, I've never been rejected for a promotion before (I've had three within this organization) and it's hard to put aside my disappointment!

Any advice would help! I plan on working within the same industry for awhile, so I don't want to burn any bridges or make myself seem unprofessional!

You should ask for specific help in formulating a professional development plan that will allow you to get the sort of experience they've said you'd need. Ask what you need to do to get a management position the next time one is open, and what they can do to help you get that experience. Whether and how they follow through will tell you a ton.

At the same time, there's no reason you shouldn't also explore what opportunities might be available to you outside your company. Identify and apply for jobs that seem like the right next step for you. There's nothing that says you have to take a new job if offered, but you might as well know what your options are.

You can pursue these two tracks simultaneously; you don't need to pick one over the other.

There's one thing in your letter that's potentially troubling, although I'm not positive what you mean by it. You wrote: "I have been asked to still perform the duties, however he would have the pay increase and benefits." Do you mean that you're being asked to perform the duties of a manager without the pay or title?  Are you talking about mundane administrative tasks like scheduling employees or signing time cards, or real management fundamentals -- like setting expectations, giving feedback, and addressing performance problems?  If you're being asked to do the latter, that worries me -- not just because of fairness but because it is difficult to manage people without actual authority to set consequences, and you'd be being put in a very hard position if that's the case.

Again, I'm not sure if that's the case here or not. If it is, it might be something you want to address, by pointing out that you're being asked to do the work of a manager without any of the rewards, or even credit for the experience when seeking a promotion. Of course, if you point that out, their reaction may be to stop having you serve those functions, which may not be the outcome you want (particularly if you want to parlay that experience into a management role somewhere else), so you want to assess risks and likely outcomes as you proceed. Good luck!

my manager wants to be my best friend

A reader writes:

I have great relationship with my manager and we used to be peers before she became my boss. When we were peers, we used to tell each other everything about our personal life outside work. The problem is she still wants me to tell her everything that I do in my personal life, like how I spent my weekends/ days off, etc. And then she likes to advise me on how to handle all my personal problems like she would on my professional problems. 

As I said, she is a great manager but I am becoming less and less comfortable working for her since she likes to be involved in every aspect of my life. It's like having a second mom at work! I have been trying to distance myself from her but she gets really upset when she finds out that I have been holding back.

She and I have the same set of friends, we play on same sport team and she is my friend on every social networking site! It's really hard to avoid her!

I am looking for a new job, but in the meanwhile, can you suggest anything that will help the situation without offending her?

You have two options: (1) Be straightforward and explain to her exactly why the relationship needs to be different now, or (2) Let her go on complaining that you don't involve her in your personal life like you used to, and just ignore her complaints, while not giving in. I'd do #1, but if you're not especially comfortable with that, #2 is a viable option.  

If you decide to be straightforward, the next time she gets upset that you've been "holding back," tell her: "Jane, you're right that I'm not sharing the sorts of things with you that I used to. Now that you're my manager, our relationship needs to change. I think you're a great manager and I love working with you, but it changes the boundaries from what we used to have. The fact is, it's your job now to evaluate my work and we're inherently on unequal footing. I am 100% comfortable with that, but it does mean that we can't be friends in the way that we used to. You're going to have things you can't tell me, or may need to make decisions that impact me. And I'm going to be more comfortable getting feedback from someone who isn't a big part of my personal life. Plus, I don't want it to appear to others that I might get special treatment from you because we're friends."

Since you do think she's a good boss, emphasize that: "I think you're a great boss. I'm really happy for you that you got this promotion. But we can't avoid the fact that our relationship will need to evolve along with it."

If you can't stomach this conversation -- or think she'll react badly and hold it against you -- your other option is to just enforce the boundary without explicitly getting into your reasons. Be busy with work when she tries to talk to you in the office, or just be vague when she asks you about your personal life. But if she's getting upset because she's finding out from mutual friends that there are things going on in your life that you didn't share with her, you may find yourself with no choice than to spell it out at some point anyway.

And for anyone who thinks they can manage a friend and still keep a close friendship: You can't, or at least you can't without risking some pretty major dysfunction developing. (Read this article where I explain why.)

my boss acts like I'm on-call day and night

In response to an earlier post about calling coworkers at night or over the weekend, I wrote that (a) it can be okay if you know they're fine with it, which some people are, (b) you should avoid doing it if you're a manager, even if you know/think they're fine with it, because most people will be less comfortable telling you "no," and (c) it's never okay if you're not sure where they stand on receiving such calls, unless it's an extreme emergency. One commenter wrote this in response:

While I agree with everyone who said "just don't pick up," what about working with coworkers and managers who just don't get that? My boss and a coworker (who has been with my boss for a long time and modeled his behavior after hers) have a nasty habit of calling at ALL HOURS. I've gotten calls at 3 a.m. on a Friday, midnight on a Tuesday, 6 a.m. on a Wednesday, you name it. And if you don't pick up, they just keep on calling and calling until you do! In fact, I once had to field calls from my boss, who was in a complete tizzy, one weekend day when the part-time employee who I supervise wasn't picking up his phone, despite the fact it was his day off. Turns out he'd gone to the beach, again as it was his day off, and his phone was out of range -- but our boss was livid (how dare he not pick up).

It's never an emergency, but the culture in my office is EVERYTHING is urgent. Seriously -- I was lectured once because, after working till 9 p.m. I mentioned to my boss that I was glad we'd finished that project, even if we had to stay so late, because I was hosting a Thanksgiving dinner at my house the next day (a weekend). And she asked me what made me think I could have a party on a weekend -- she might need me.

Same goes for vacation: I was on unpaid leave at home when my grandmother died, and received almost hourly emails, texts and calls. When I was unable to answer or reply, as I was in the hospital while she was dying unable to use my cell, I was berated for having my priorities out of wack. However, god help the person who calls my boss on her weekends or vacations: even if we need approvals from her to continue the work, if we interupt her we're going to be screamed at.

So my question for all of you: if office culture is so important, how does one change it? 

There are two different issues here: the question of how to change an office culture, and the question of your crazy, out-of-line boss.

Because let's be clear: Your boss is completely, 100% over the line, unreasonable, deluded, and a jerk. You were berated for having your priorities out of whack when a family member was dying? You were told that you couldn't have a party over a weekend because she "might" need you? What is this job exactly, member of the president's cabinet? 

Did you knowingly sign up for this? When you were hired, were you told that you'd be expected to be on-call 24-7? I'm betting not. This is not reasonable. This is not even approaching reasonable.

You know, some bosses really don't understand how this is supposed to work because no one has ever taught them that it's not okay, and it's possible to get through to them if you approach it correctly. And if that were the case here, I would advise talking with her and explaining that the vast majority of people need to have actual time off, time that's your own, time when you'll only be contacted by work if it's a true emergency (and make sure you define what that is). And that your company will have trouble retaining good employees in the long-run if they deny them this type of quality of life, because what good person with options wouldn't rather go somewhere that respects her personal life? Some bosses do respond to this conversation, especially if it comes from someone with high value to the company and/or influence.

But her problems go beyond that kind of naivete and bad judgment -- because she's also a jerk. And thus, while you could attempt this conversation, my expectations are not high that it will get you anywhere. She is a tyrant, and she's likely a tyrant in other areas too, not just this one. So my advice is to get the hell out. Start looking for an employer who understands that your paycheck does not buy your life, and that treating people badly is not a long-term strategy for success.

Now, on the more general question of how one can change office culture: It can be done, but it's really hard. It requires a serious commitment from people at the top of the organization, or at least from someone in a key leadership role with a lot of credibility and influence, and even then it's hard. When the culture you want to change is really the boss, the odds are so against you that I would again say to leave and find somewhere that operates in a way more aligned with your values. I know it's easier said than done, but once you do it, you'll wonder why you ever waited.

is it legal for my boss to open my mail at work?

A reader writes:

My own postman is unreliable, so I often have book orders from amazon, half.com and ebay sent to me at work. The other day, my boss opened a package addressed to me and was offended. He wasn't offended that I had something mailed to me at work, he was offended by the subject matter that the book dealt with (sex). I asked him why he opened a package addressed to me and he replied that he is the boss and can open my mail if it is coming to a business he manages.

It is indeed legal. Postal regulations say that mail delivered to an organization, even if addressed to a specific person, is delivered to the organization itself, and the organization can decide how to distribute it from there.

But as is so often the case, the question of what's legal is different from the question of what's polite.

I don't know if your boss opened your package on purpose or by mistake. It's certainly not that hard to accidentally open someone else's mail without meaning to; I'll often just open anything left in my in-box without thinking to look at the address, and I've sometimes opened something meant for someone else by mistake. But if it was a mistake, the correct response is "I'm sorry, this was inadvertent," not "too bad, I'm entitled to do it if I want." And if it was intentional, your boss is an ass. So really, either way, he's kind of an ass.

Now, that said, there's also the question of what's smart. Having books on sex sent to your work address, when it is sooooo easy for a package sent to a work address to be accidentally opened by someone else? Not necessarily the smartest thing to do. I don't know if this was some academic treatise on sexual issues,  which really shouldn't offend someone, or something a bit more, uh, lowbrow, but if it was the latter, you were kind of asking for trouble.

I completely understand the desire to have your packages sent to your work address. I used to do it all the time when I had a UPS man who refused to leave packages without a signature. But (a) not every business welcomes or even permits it, and (b) it's not a good idea for things you wouldn't want someone else to see.

update about the boss who's angry over two weeks notice

Yesterday I printed a letter from someone whose boss was angry that she had only given two weeks notice and was pushing her to give at least a month. Because her boss had always been a jerk, I advised her that she should hold firm and stick to her original plan. She's now written back with this update:

Thanks so much for answering my question yesterday. Your advice and that of the commenters was invaluable. I have a follow up question, though, that I'd be very grateful to get your perspective on.

So, after I said I couldn't extend my notice past two weeks, the situation has now gotten to the point where I would label it abusive. Just this morning, my actions -- which I've done my absolute best to keep courteous and professional -- have been called "unprofessional," "a betrayal," and "an insult." My manager sat me down and berated me and even insulted me personally for 15 minutes, then copied me on a very nasty email to the head of the office and another manager here. I was also copied on the reply from the other manager, who called my actions "odd" and "hostile."

I have done nothing more than give my two weeks notice -- which at this company is seen as a betrayal apparently -- but that is all I have done. I'm now contemplating leaving even earlier though, as the work environment has really gotten hostile.

I am not due to get my final paycheck until the end of the month (we are paid monthly, so if I leave today, I still have 19 days pay owed to me). What is the likelihood that I would receive this paycheck at all if I left today? I'd like to walk out today, especially if it gets worse, but I need that final paycheck to tide me over until my new job starts in September. For those of you with experience in this, do you think they'd withhold that check at this point? I can't really afford a legal battle, so if that's a possibility, I just have to stick this out until I have it in hand...

As I said in the comments yesterday, unless they become outright abusive, you should work out the full two weeks because it's the professional thing to do, even if they themselves aren't professional. Additionally, you don't want them to be able to tell people in the future that you "didn't even give two weeks."

However. The caveat there was "unless they become outright abusive." 

You have three options at this point:

#1. Tolerate it. Suck it up and deal with it, knowing that it's only two weeks, and knowing that you're about to escape this forever, so who cares how crazy they become? This option gives you peace of mind about your paycheck. It also ensures, as someone pointed out in the comments yesterday, that the worst they can say about you in a reference check is that you "only gave two weeks notice" (unless they're willing to lie, which of course they might be). 

If you take this option, look at their craziness as entertainment and fantastic future stories.

#2. Leave now. Tell your boss, "Your treatment of me since I gave notice is unprofessional and hostile. I'm not willing to be subjected to that, so today will be my last day." Be prepared to leave immediately, as their reaction will probably require it. (This means have your stuff all packed up, personal stuff removed from your computer, etc.)

#3. A middle ground. Sit down with your boss and say, "I'm sorry you're upset with my two weeks notice. Two weeks is a very common professional standard. However, it's clear that you're upset with me. Is it still fine for me to be in the office for the next two weeks, or would it better for everyone if I were to leave now?"

She will probably rant at you about how of course you need to be there for the next two weeks. At that point, say, "I'd like to work the remaining two weeks and I don't want to leave anyone in the lurch. However, I need to be treated professionally during that time. I very much want to use the next two weeks to put my projects in order, write up documentation to leave behind, and so forth, but I do have a bottom line as far as respectful treatment. I'm not willing to continue to be berated for my decision. If we can't work together without the hostility, it would be better for everyone if I left now."

If the hostility continues, then you revert to option #2. (And be prepared for her to explode with hostility and tell you to get out immediately.)

Now, as for your paycheck, the law is very clear that they need to pay you for the days you've worked. But that doesn't mean that they will, of course. I recommend checking out wage laws for your state, because some of them require that a final paycheck be issued within 24 hours or other short periods, and if that's the case in your state, you can follow up with them about your check right away, rather than having to wait and see how they handle payroll at the end of the month. There are also fines for violating those laws, so if they have any sense at all, they'll conclude it's not worth the hassle to them. (Email me and let me know what state you're in, and I'll walk you through how to research this and how to approach them about it.)

In the future, I'd plan to warn reference-checkers that these people imploded when you gave notice. A good reference-checker will understand -- and hopefully by that point you'll have plenty of references from sane people at the new job you're about to start.

my manager refuses to give me better pay or better hours

A reader writes:

I have been working at the same job going on four years and I am still part-time. This would not really bother me other than the fact that there are a few guys, younger than myself, who get better hours and better pay and haven't been there nearly as long as I have.

It's not that I don't work, I bust my butt every single day and my manager sees this, but still refuses to put me on full-time or give me a better wage. The only reason I can think of why these other guys are getting everything over me is because they are just like my manager, they drink, party, etc. I do not do any of these things.

I've approached him a few times about a better wage or full-time, every time it's the same about the wage, "the company can't afford it." This I understand. The thing that gets me with this is when I ask about being put on full-time, he tells me there is a "hiring freeze" and he cannot. Then a week or so later there is a new guy/lady working full-time making better money than myself and they are not worth a cuss. They won't work and they are all ARROGANT! I'm at my wits end!

What should I do? Should I stick it out here or quit? I'm in college and barely making it right now, money-wise, but I have time to work more, but as I said my manager refuses to help me out!

Something's going on here, but I don't know what it is. Your manager clearly isn't being straight with you -- telling you there's a hiring freeze and then hiring someone else a week later, and not even bothering to come back to you to explain. The fact that he doesn't circle back to you to provide some sort of context sends a pretty disrespectful message.

If you want to give it one final shot, you can say to your manager: "I'm confused. When we've talked in the past about the possibility of me going full-time, you've told me there's a hiring freeze, but each time someone new has been hired soon after that. This makes me think that something else is going on -- is it something about my performance or something that you'd like to see me doing differently? I'd really like feedback if it is." And if he denies there are any performance problems, then say, "Can you tell me what I can do to work toward full-time hours?"

It's possible that you'll learn something you didn't know, about something he doesn't like about your work. But I wouldn't count on it -- it sounds like this guy is either (a) a wimp who can't bring himself to tell you that the quality of your work isn't good enough or (b) a jerk who just doesn't like you and is setting your hours and pay based on that.

At some point, you need to assume that nothing will change, since all signs are screaming that pretty loudly and really, it's been four years. And so you need to answer this question for yourself: Assuming that nothing is ever going to change, do you want to stay or leave? For all I know, maybe you want to stay anyway. Maybe you like the work well enough, despite these aggravations, that the answer is to accept that nothing is going to change but that you're going to continue working there anyway. 

But if not, then why on earth wouldn't you look elsewhere? After all, you can't make your manager do what you want, but you do have power in this situation -- the power to decide whether or not to accept what he's offering you. 

Often in these situations where people feel angry and feel mistreated, they lose sight of the fact that they do (usually) have options, and I think that's happening here. If you don't like what's being offered, go out there and see what other offers the world has for you. You might find one you like a lot better -- or you might decide that you'd rather stay put, despite the current terms. But you'll be picking it deliberately, rather than just accepting it by default and feeling frustrated.

my boss asks job candidates about their marital status, children, and church!

A reader writes:

Recently, I sat in on an interview with the VP of our department, and the questions he asked potential candidates included, "Are you married? Do you have any children? What are your activities? Are you involved in your church or activities such as scouting?" How do I address the fact that these questions are off-limits in a tactful way? I am only newly hired, and I've heard that the VP doesn't handle criticism well.

Well, he's allowed to ask about hobbies and community involvement, but you're right that asking about marriage, children, or religion is a really bad idea.

First, a legal note:  While the act of asking these questions isn't illegal (although many people mistakenly believe that it is), what is illegal (in the U.S., anyway) is rejecting a candidate based on her answers to them. Therefore, since employers aren't permitted to factor in your answers, there's no point in asking them and smart interviewers, or interviewers who have ever spoken to a lawyer, don't ask them. In addition, because so many people think the questions themselves are illegal, it's a really good way to make a candidate really uncomfortable.

Okay, back to your question -- on how to approach your VP about this. You have a couple different options:

First, the direct approach: You say the VP doesn't take criticism well, but you could approach this as simple information-sharing. For instance: "Joe, I noticed you asked about marriage, children, and church in that interview. I was always taught that there were legal issues with asking those questions, because candidates who we don't hire could claim we illegally discriminated against them based on their answers to those questions. I know that's not at all why you were asking, but it's been drilled into my head that those are red flag questions for candidates."

Alternately, do you have an HR department? Can you discreetly suggest to them that they give this VP -- or, even better, all employees who participate in interviews -- some remedial guidance on what questions shouldn't be asked?

If you talk to him yourself and he's resistant (says "that's not how we do it here" or whatever), you'll probably need to resort to option #2 anyway, so if you think he's likely to blow you off, you might want to just leap directly to option #2 and save yourself the trouble of appearing to go over his head after not liking his answer.