is my wife's boss coming on to her?

A reader writes:

I'm writing this for my wife, who has an interesting situation at work. Since it's the holidays, I figured that there may be other employees going through this same situation with their bosses. So here goes...

My wife was assigned a new manager 2 months ago during an office reorganization. Since it was the holidays, and is normal practice at her office, she gave both her old manager and new manager a small holiday gift ($10 gift cards). The old manager accepted kindly, as did her new manager. However, her new manager felt the need to extend an offer to her for a "belated" holiday gift of going out to lunch one day - just the two of them - we're assuming in response to the gesture.

Although the intent seems genuine (he's also married), and nothing to the contrary has been seen by my wife or the manager's prior employees, it has put her in an awkward situation - as her boss is male, and she female. The questions abound... what is the intent of lunch - just lunch or something else? Again, nothing prior has indicated otherwise. What will his other employees think - will she be outcast for being the boss' favorite? Will the other employees think something else is going on between them? Is she overanalyzing the situation?

Even if there is no ill-intent my wife has been struggling to figure out how to handle the situation professionally, and as not to damage an employee / manager relationship that's just beginning. It doesn't appear that a one-on-one lunch is a precedent in her office, although group lunches between managers and employees occur often.

Um.

Men and women who work together can't go out to lunch during the work day with each other?

I would like to think that I could take a male employee to lunch without someone reading more into it. Bosses take employees to lunch all the time, as a thank-you for a great performance, as a chance to discuss career goals in a more relaxed setting, or just because they feel like getting some food. Often just because they feel like getting some food.

You say there's been no indication of anything improper. That's all you, or anyone else, needs to know.

I have to wonder: Since you're the one writing in rather than your wife, is it possible that you're the only one who sees something suspicious here? If I'm right ... dude, stop harassing your wife and let her have a normal relationship with her boss.

I hate talking on the phone

I hate talking on the phone.

When I was a teenager, I lived my entire life on the phone. I even worked a part-time job just to get money to pay for my own phone line, so that I could talk on it as long as I wanted without anyone kicking me off. I was a master of all forms of phone activity, including three-hour time-killers in which we covered nothing of substance, the non-emergency (except in gossip terms) emergency break-through, and some really exceptional prank calls.

Somewhere along the way, though, the phone and I had a break-up. Probably because I developed a raging hot love for email, which suits me on far more levels: I can talk to you whenever I feel like it, even at 2 a.m. I can answer you when it's most convenient, or after I've pondered my answer for a while, or during the commercial break from Law & Order. And I can talk to you without you knowing that I have a mouth stuffed full of tacos.

In a work context, I'm even more pro-email and anti-phone. Lots of conversations that would take five minutes in person take 30 seconds in email. If you email me instead of calling me, I can concentrate on other things without interruption and answer you when I'm at a good stopping point. I can write you back after hours, when I finally have time to focus on what you're saying.

Obviously, email isn't good for every situation. There are times when email is less efficient than talking by phone or in person, or where the situation simply requires a real conversation. (And god knows that I learn things in phone interviews that I wouldn't have realized from email, like that the candidate is crazy ... or, alternately, spectacular.)

But I have to think that in 10 years, we're going to be using the phone even less than we are right now. And I will not be sorry to see it go.

why do employers re-advertise jobs after interviews?

A reader writes:

Is it normal for employers advertise again a position after the second round of interviews?

I've encountered this situation a few times and the first thing I imagine is that none of the candidates met their expectations, but they still want to keep these people as second or third options.

What is your opinion about this behavior? Do you think employers should be clearer about the process and tell job-seekers what is going on?

I wouldn't read too much into this, although it's tempting to. It could be a few different things:

* Sometimes the employer may have one or two strong candidates but be nervous about not having a wider pool. After all, if I only have one person I'm excited to hire, I'm screwed if that person turns down my offer or we can't come to terms for some other reason. So I'd always rather have a handful of strong candidates, which could mean that I continue advertising even as I'm moving through the process with that one star.

* Some companies keep fresh ads up until the position is officially filled.

* Sometimes an ad is self-renewing, because the employer purchased a certain number to run. So the ad "reappears" but not through any action of the employer.

* Or yes, sometimes new ads may indicate that the employer isn't thrilled with any of the candidates it currently has and wants to explore alternatives.

Because there's such a wide variety of possible explanations, you'll only drive yourself crazy trying to interpret those new ads. Instead, I'd recommend just asking the employer straighforwardly for their timeline -- what are their next steps, and when should you expect to hear back. After all, those are the answers that really matter.

do managers this bad really exist?

A reader writes:

I've enjoyed reading your blog the last few months. I am however left wondering - where do these people work? After reading about the interactions your readers have with their leaders, I am stunned. Am I this sheltered? Do managers this clueless and/or evil really exist?

They do exist.

I don't believe any of the managers I've written about here are evil. They are, however, often incompetent, weak, or clueless.

They're also what inspired me to pursue the career path I ended up pursuing.

If you haven't encountered them, count yourself very lucky.

will being on reality TV hurt my job prospects?

A reader writes:

Do you think that being on a reality TV show would adversely affect my ability to get a job? I am not currently slated to be on one, but if I were to do this, I wonder what the ramifications on my future job prospects might be. I'm talking about a Survivor-type show, nothing like sexy, island orgy stuff.

As a major fan of a slew of reality TV shows, especially bad ones, this question is like a Christmas present to me, so thank you.

First, may I say that I love your confidence? You are not slated to be on TV currently, but feel that there's a decent chance you could make it happen. And that is awesome.

Okay, so let's look at best case and worst case scenarios.

Best case, you're on a respectable show and conduct yourself in a respectable manner. You don't freak out on other contestants, you don't become known as the a-hole of the cast, and the show itself isn't about drunken antics or sexcapades. In this scenario, nothing negative attaches to your reputation, but you acquire a persona that may or may not accurately reflect who you are. So prospective employers -- at least those who may know you from the show -- feel like they know things about you, and those things may not be (a) accurate, (b) relevant, or (c) any of their business. You come with baggage, which could be good or bad -- maybe they like the idea of hiring the guy from that show and think it's a cool novelty perk, or maybe they'd feel cheesy hiring that guy.

Worst case, you implode in some spectacular way, or are edited to appear like a jerk, or end up on a show that develops some notoriety. (For instance, did those "Jersey Shore" people realize what they were getting into?) Then you've got all of the factors from the previous paragraph, but with a particularly negative spin on them.

You also have to remember about unintended consequences. The show could be totally respectable, your behavior could be impeccable, and you could still end up associated with something negative through something you didn't anticipate -- some unforeseen action of your castmates, or, hell, even just the fact that if any of us were filmed 24/7 we'd be highly likely to say or do something unfit for public consumption. (Oooh, that reminds me! I once knew someone who went on the WB's "Blind Date," accidentally behaved like a douche, and nearly lost his job over it.)

That said, I suspect there are always people who will hire someone specifically because they've been on TV. So it depends on who you want to work for.

On the other hand, if you're on a show designed to showcase your professional talent, like Top Chef, none of these rules apply.

If anyone wants to work other things I like into a question, you are pretty much guaranteed a fast reply.

where are they now: update #12 - when the boss owes you money

Remember the reader who was promised a stipend when she was interviewing for her internship, but never got the money she was promised? She wrote in asking how to ask her boss for the money she was owed.

http://askamanager.blogspot.com/2009/08/how-do-i-ask-my-boss-for-money-they-owe.html

Here's her update:

I took your advice and went to my manager and asked directly for the money. He (the EVP of the dept / Interim President) suggested we go back to the contract I had signed at the start of the internship, and when it turned out the transportation money wasn't included in the contract, he said that he couldn't pay the money. Needless to say, I was pretty frustrated - partly with myself for not insisting that the money be included in that contract, and partly with him for not relenting, when it seemed like such a small thing.

The good news is that the next week - the second week of August - I interviewed for two full time positions at two other environmental nonprofits, and happily received two offers! I started my new job the last week of August, and am thrilled with both the work and the organization.

I also recently found out that the organization where I interned has been going through some severe financial stress - they laid off another 10 or 15% of the staff of 20 people, including one of the SVPs, and are now renting out half of the office that serves as headquarters. Having heard that I have a hard time holding that $250 against my former manager.

Thanks again for your help - even though it didn't turn out how I wanted, it felt good to stand up for myself a little!

the weirdest interview question ever?

This amazing story comes from one of the commenters on my U.S. News & World report post earlier this week about how to handle inappropriate interview questions.

Linda R. wrote:

When I was just out of college (ahem...the early 80's, a less enlightened age), a friend went on an interview for an administrative position. She felt the interview was going very well. Then, the interviewer asked, "Can I look in your purse?"

In response to her shocked expression, he explained that he finds that to be the best indicator of how organized a woman is. She lost her composure for a minute, she was taken so by surprise, but wound up handing it over. He fingered through it, muttered something, thanked her and handed it back. She didn't wind up getting the job -- not due to a messy purse she was sure, since she had just cleaned it out. Nothing I've ever heard since then has struck me as a weirder question than that one.

Several reactions:

1. This would really annoy me. To the point that I might not take a job working for him.

2. People have a reasonable expectation of privacy for their purse contents.

3. Most importantly, I wonder what he asks men.

where are they now: update #11 - ethics of taking an internship on top of a job

Remember the woman who wondered if it was ethical to take an internship on top of her full-time job without telling her manager? She was worried that they'd assume she was thinking about leaving and would frown on it.

http://askamanager.blogspot.com/2009/09/is-taking-internship-on-top-of-job.html

Here's her update (and why are almost all of these from women?):

I wrote back in September asking about leaving 15 minutes early from work for an internship. You advised me to speak frankly to my manager about my need to leave and accept the decision she made.

I ended up communicating some more with the small company that offered me the intern position. By offering to do some work from home over the weekends, I was able to swing a later start date, so I don't have to leave the office early in order to make my internship.

However---I still haven't spoken to my manager very explicitly about my internship, because although I initially assumed that they weren't expecting me to stay on as an admin forever, I soon found out that, aside from myself, everyone has been working in their current positions for almost (or over) 20 years, and that my predecessor had my job for 10 years. The amount of discussion about my (now retired) predecessor has made me nervous to share that I'm exploring different industries, so my manager only knows about my internship in the vaguest sense. I'm not sure if that's the best course of action or if I should discuss it with her more fully, but at the moment my internship is not interfering with my work at all, so it hasn't come up.

I'm working 50 hour weeks with the extra time at the internship, but I am learning a lot. Thanks so much for your advice, and the advice of the commenters.

where are they now: update #10 - when an employee won't take a hint

Remember the woman wondering how to get one of her employees to tone down his inappropriate and unwarranted bragging?

http://askamanager.blogspot.com/2009/08/when-employee-isnt-taking-your-hint.html

Here's her update:

The sales rep who was doing this learned his lesson the hard way... Unfortunately, sometimes this is the only way people learn a lesson.

He bragged about a big account he landed to anyone who would listen. The thing is that he bragged before he actually landed it. Now when people ask him about this epic account he allegedly landed, he hangs his head low and has to explain that, while he did get some business, he did not get nearly all that he thought he would.

One of the best things about this "green" rep is that he actually does learn from his mistakes - that is what will mold him into a very solid rep who doesn't make silly errors in judgment.

where are they now: update #9 - hiding internal interview from current manager

Remember the reader who didn't want her current manager to learn that she was interviewing internally for another position?

http://askamanager.blogspot.com/2008/08/can-i-keep-my-internal-interview-from.html

Here's her update:

The supervisor never found out about my internal applications, but it took a while before I could work with those particular departments again after they didn't hire me. They were pretty thick with how qualified I was and how happy I would be in the job, but then I didn't get the job! I eventually found out that they did not want to hire me away from our overall director. AND I found out that others across the organization (on a campus) felt the same way and I wasn't getting interviewed for that reason.

I ended up taking a different job in August 2009 with an entirely different part of campus and I've been told that I am now welcome to reapply for positions that earlier I was not invited to apply for. It makes me really upset that my director had this type of power over others not even affiliated with our unit and has led me to question the ethics of the institution. Of course, since I've been in this job I tried to interview/apply for another internal position, my supervisor found out, and I had a greatly awkward conversation. She now brings it up every chance she gets, questioning my loyalty, and I am now left looking for another position more discreetly.

where are they now: update #8 - the coworker who accidentally complained to the wrong person

Remember the woman whose coworker called her accidentally, thinking she was calling someone else, and proceeded to complain about her, before realizing she was talking to the person she was complaining about?

http://askamanager.blogspot.com/2009/09/coworker-accidentally-called-me-to.html

Here's her update:

I had planned to discuss the "awkward moment" with my co-worker, but several things prevented that from happening. One of those was that she was called home from work because her child was ill. She was gone for the remaining three days that week, and then we were off for the weekend.

When I arrived at the office on Monday morning, we were the only two people in the building. I immediately asked how her child was feeling. She provided me with all the details and seemed genuinely touched that I asked.

Since that time, she has shared some personal information with me about her background, which gave me much insight into some of her behaviors. It turns out she has had a difficult life. She is a single mom, and I have compassion for her. Her attitude towards me has turned around by 180 degrees.

I must tell you that I was praying about the situation, as I truly want to have a good working relationship with her, as I do with all of my co-workers. I have no other explanation!

Thank you again for your help and your advice.

how to handle inappropriate interview questions

I'm interrupting the flow of "where are they now updates" to bring you my latest column over at U.S. News & World Report, which answers this questions from a reader:

I had an interview for a job today. It's my first interview in 14 years as I've been in my present job that long. I was feeling a little rusty. I researched interview questions, practiced answers, and felt well prepared. Then out of nowhere I was asked, "Tell me about your children."

Immediately I wondered: How is this relevant? How can I tie this in with my skills and abilities? Are they wondering if I'll need to take a lot of time off? How did they know I have children? Is this a trick question? It's the only question I stumbled on and I feel like I didn't answer properly. I told their ages and briefly described each of them and assured the interviewer that being a mother wouldn't take away from my abilities on the job. I said, "um, uh, er" a little too much. What should I have said?

Read my answer here.

where are they now: update #7 - the misbehaving ex-boyfriend coworker

Remember the letter from the woman who noticed that her coworker -- who was also her ex-boyfriend -- was posting really inappropriate stuff online, like revealing photos of himself, stories of his sexual exploits, and negative commentary on their employer? She worked in HR and so was wondering whether or not to mention it to anyone.

http://askamanager.blogspot.com/2009/03/when-your-ex-is-coworker-and-silly-one.html

Here's her update:

Well, he acted too big for his boots, and got booted out for leaking confidential product information, which he heard from another department, to a friend of his to blog. Booting him out was used as an example in our company on how not to be an asshole in using social media.

Then he posted his firing letter online in his blog ( as a means to get sympathy - hahaha - for him) - and some of the companies where he was interviewing saw the blog post and rescinded the offer. He went back to his old blogging job, and is still around in our small technology town, but no longer the toast of parties or events.

Lessons learned from here? Be really nice on social media. Do not be racist, sexist or homophobic. And just because you blog, you are not the smartest person in the world.

And on the dating side : I did check with some trusted seniors on this one. As long as the two people are not in a position to influence each others performance reviews etc, it is all fine. Two of my colleagues recently got married and it was good to be there to wish them well.

Personally, I have diversified my dating pool mostly outside of my company and am very much single and enjoying the singledom.

where are they now: update #6 - the boss who went AWOL during layoffs

Remember the reader who was laid off by someone who wasn't her boss, and her boss told her that she'd talk to her about it but then never got in touch?

http://askamanager.blogspot.com/2008/11/silence-from-manager-after-layoff.html

Here's her update:

I did reach out to my manager, thanking her for the opportunity at my company and asking if I could use her as a reference. She wrote me back claiming that she'd emailed me the day of my layoff but must have gotten the email address wrong (suspect) but that of course I could use her as a reference and she thanked me for all my work.

During the final stages of my job hunt that led me to my current position (I was unemployed exactly two months), a former co-worker reached out to me advising me not to use my manager as a reference and to trust that she knew what she was talking about. Since I felt skeptical at best about using my former boss, I took her word and was able to use my former co-worker and sales director instead. I've now been gainfully employed for almost a year and am much happier at my new position.

Also, I direct all my job seeking friends to your site. I check it religiously and would like to think I am a better employee and job seeker as a result. Thanks for all you do!

where are they now: update #5 - the office selection challenge

Remember the person wondering if she should choose the office nearer to her boss or nearer to all her colleagues?

http://askamanager.blogspot.com/2009/06/which-office-should-i-pick.html

Here's her update:

I’m the one who wrote about choosing an office by my friends or in the nicer area closer to my boss. In the end, I indicated the office I wanted was at the end of the “boss’s” row, and that was agreed upon.

Then I went on vacation.

A co-worker who has significantly less seniority than I, but who is one grade higher, although we both report to the same boss, decided she wanted my office instead of the one she had originally agreed to, next to mine. I think it ended up being minutely smaller than mine, and she is so hung up on status that it made a difference to her. Because I was monitoring my emails on vacation I spotted this right away, and mentioned it to the boss. She said she’d take care of it.

To make a long story short, she strung me along for two months, and when I confronted her about her reneging on the agreement, and the fact that I was there longer, she said the other worker had been really upset so she had to let her keep the office, and would I mind taking the other one. I asked her if I was being punished for something, or if I had done something wrong, and stated that this was a clear indication that the other person was worthy of more consideration than myself, and that thanks, no, I don’t take sloppy seconds and that I would take the other office I had originally been considering. I also told her that I resented that she strung me along, but that I had already wasted enough time being upset, and from that point onwards I would not discuss the situation again and continue to work in a professional manner.

I feel disrespected by my boss, and by my co-worker who knew that office was supposed to be mine but who threw her temper tantrum until she got it.

But, in my job I have great freedom to come and go, with a very flexible work schedule which is far more important to me than office placement. So I have chosen to stay. And I’m closer to the lunch room.

where are they now: update #4 - the interrupting coworker

Remember the person irritated by her coworker who constantly interrupted any conversation she was having with their boss?

http://askamanager.blogspot.com/2008/04/irritated-by-interrupting-coworker.html

Here's her update:

In April I sent a question about a coworker who would butt in and take over any conversation I was having with our supervisor. You were very soothing; you assured me I was not being childish for being irritated and suggested I address it head-on. I did try the nice-but-firm “Thank you, but I really need Fred’s take on this” and it worked somewhat.

What worked even better was bringing a chair over to Fred’s cubicle. Then we could murmur about timesheets to our hearts’ content. In order for my coworker to join, he’d have to get up from his desk, walk over, figure out what we’re talking about, and launch a 10-minute monologue. Which he still did sometimes, but it slowed him down.

But he’s still pretty much a doofus. Oh well.

Thank you!

where are they now: update #3 - the one-month profitless job

Remember the reader who asked whether she should take a job that was one-month, 35 miles away, and wouldn't pay her enough to do more than break even?

http://askamanager.blogspot.com/2009/10/should-i-take-one-month-seasonal.html

She writes in with this update:

Let's see, you gave me great advice about not taking a job that was far away, seasonal, and a significant step down in pay- I ended up not taking it and staying unemployed and had some really fantastic interviews that went really well, but unfortunately never got the job. Had I taken that job, I would have missed out on some really great interviews and practice, so even though I never got the job I'm happy I have the experiences I went through.

I was however, offered a really fantastic foot-in-the-door position at Neiman Marcus in their visual department but it was only very part-time and too far away to commute to. I did ask the woman who interviewed me to keep me posted on other openings as I really liked her and would love for her to mentor me. She was actually excited about the feedback I gave her on her interviewing (which was fantastic, by the way) and was totally open to staying in touch.

I'm still unemployed at the moment but am volunteering at an animal shelter walking the dogs; its a great release for me to not have to think about paying bills and such, and it also benefits a great organization at the same time. Win/ Win!

where are they now: update #2, featuring sleeping bunks in the office

Remember this woman?
http://askamanager.blogspot.com/2008/09/verbally-abusive-boss.html

She had the boss who yelled so much that he had to keep the radio on at all times to cover the noise. We all told her to get the hell out ... which she did. Here's her update:

I emailed you a little over a year ago (see entry under "jerks" for September 2008) about my verbally abusive boss at a small creative agency. Well - I hung in there until I couldn't stand it any longer and found something else and gave my notice two days before the Thanksgiving break in 2008. I honestly don't think I have ever had such a tirade unleashed against me as when I gave my notice. He badgered me over and over about how I had misconstrued his yelling and that he was just passionate about his work. It then turned into a horrible set of personal attacks and threats of lawsuits if I ever contacted anyone from the agency again - he even demanded that I remove the agency's name from my LinkedIn profile as he perceived it to be some sort of legal infringement for me to even say I had ever worked there.

Long story short - instead of the two weeks I intended to give, I left at the end of the following day. This was not before he got the whole company together (about 20 people) in the conference room to talk about how little I had added to their process and how they would be going on and probably doing better now that I was gone. Two more people gave their notices by the end of that day because he was such a tyrant about the whole thing.

Unfortunately the job I left for was somewhat out of the frying pan and into the fire. I left for a publicly traded, much larger creative agency as a director and was really excited to get to hopefully work with some decent folks again. On day one - I got a taste of how things really were - they "forgot" to mention that I was expected to keep a set of clothes at work for all of the all-nighters and then showed me the sleeping bunks they had built along with a shower so folks could live at work.

I was given accounts in both LA and NY (despite having been told there would be no travel), so I worked from 5am til 8 or 9pm and was routinely called out in executive meetings for not taking one for the team (all the rest of whom where single and without kids unlike me) and staying on with them all night. The final straw was when the company did not protect me from a mid-level manager who obviously had mental issues and that I had a strong hand in her getting fired because of client complaints. She slashed my tires, broke into the office and stole a laptop, and then called my multi-million dollar client and aired all of the company's dirty laundry. When they left her go, I was told to leave the office and stay at a nearby cafe because they were worried that she would become physically violent - never mind that I had to buy my own coffee. In the end, even though the worst did not take place, I had to endure numerous phone calls from her at all hours and slanderings on facebook.

After 10 months, I have since left that agency as well and have vowed to never work in an agency again. I am currently relocating and am looking for a nice, "normal" quiet job after taking 6 months off to recuperate.

where are they now: update #1 - the new HR rep with no help

Thanks to all who are answering the call for updates, to let us know how their situation turned out. If you haven't written in yet, we want to hear from you!

Here's the first one.

Remember this guy, back in August?
http://askamanager.blogspot.com/2009/08/new-hr-coordinator-without-resources.html

He was the new HR assistant who was frustrated because no more experience HR staffer was around to give him guidance.

Here's his update:

My dilemma was that I accepted a position as an HR Assistant for a small local company and only came to find out after the first week that the position was not just HR Assistant. My position is pretty much the whole HR department. I have no HR manager to report to except the owner. I have to pretty much learn as I go and do everything by trial and error. I wrote to you then asking if I should leave and you and others answered that it’s a golden opportunity and that I should stay.

Well, ready for the update? (drum roll...) I am still at the company. When I wrote to you, I was just at the company for 2 months. Also, I was still going to school to complete my MBA in Human Resource Management. In other words, I was feeling pretty nervous knowing that I have no HR manager to receive input from. Now it has been a year, I have completed my MBA and I am still at the company.

I’m glad that I took the advice. Since my post to you, I have switched my perspective and view this as an opportunity like you and others have suggested. I have learned a lot about HR. Although the road was not always smooth, I’ve learned how to handle it on my own. I feel more confident about the work that I do now.

But unfortunately, while this is a great opportunity, I have never been more sure that this company is not where I want to be. The more I’m involved with the company’s operation, the more I realize that our values do not align. So in short, the update on my status is that yes I'm still at the company but no I won't be here for long.

where are you now?

If you've had your question answered here in the last year, please send me an update and let me know how your situation turned out. I'd like to post your updates in a "where are they now?" post.

We want to know, so email me, stat. Leave no juicy detail out. And woman whose coworker was moonlighting as a hooker, I'm especially talking to you.

employer "appalled" by candidate's questions to HR

A reader writes:

I've been working in a freelance position that is project based for a few months with a medium sized company. They have been working towards hiring me on more permanent part-time basis. The position would include working on an event basis but also office hours, and include similar but not exactly the same work as I am doing now by completing projects for all of the various departments.

My boss said once I had "applied" and references were checked, we could go over any details and negotiate salary. "Applying" was primarily providing references and contact information online - no resume, no cover letter. I received an offer letter with a lower salary than I am willing to take and no details about the position.

This offer was sent from an HR representative, and I sent an e-mail back asking about negotiating salary, receiving a job description, an outline of any benefits, the parking situation, and mentioned I would discuss a schedule with my boss. I tried to write the letter similar to examples I found online, as a proposal and to be further discussed.

The HR representative then forwarded my letter to my boss and one of the directors of the company. I was told by my boss that the director does not want to hire me as they "were appalled that I would email the HR person rather than talk to my boss directly" and I was "too demanding."

They were terribly surprised when I said with all other previous jobs I've been offered, I have been asked to send these requests directly to HR. In fact, on the online form sent to "accept" the job said to email the HR person with any questions. After sending the email to HR (in which I also asked if any of my questions should instead be directed to my boss), I even emailed my boss telling him I had sent an e-mail to HR with these questions.

Is it bad form on the part of the company to get angry and suggest not hiring me over asking to negotiate salary, obtaining a written job description and a more detailed schedule?

They are still willing to offer me the job, but when we sat down to talk about a schedule and job description, I was given general "ideas" of what they thought I would be doing and the hours. Essentially "playing it by ear" once I start.

It's a new position that only one person before me has held (for a month) - so I understand they don't know exactly what will happen. The company and position title would look impressive on my resume, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to live up to expectations that no one seems to agree on or is willing to put in writing. Is this a red flag? How would you turn down a job offer on something like this?

Um, wow. I don't know how badly you need to accept a job right now, but unless you're desperate, I'd probably run in the other direction.

They were "appalled" that you asked perfectly reasonable questions to someone who it was perfectly reasonable to ask them to? Even if there were something unusual about you directing those questions to HR -- which there isn't -- their aggressive attack in response is really weird and inappropriate.

And you're "too demanding"? What are these people going to say when you ask for time off or a raise or a new computer?

These are not good signs.

I'm not as bothered by the fact that the job is still something of a work in progress, but you'd want to make sure you were reasonably aligned on how your success would be judged and what their overall goals for the position will look like. Yes, they're playing it by ear a bit, but they still must know what they'd be happy with at the end of a year and what they wouldn't be. And if they don't know, now is a good time for them to figure it out with you.

I think I would say to these people something like this: "I'm really interested in this job, but there's something that I'm unsure about. I was surprised by the reaction when I emailed my questions to HR. I thought my email was pretty reasonable, and I'm trying to understand why you were appalled and found it inappropriately demanding. I'm a big believer that cultural alignment is important and can predict a lot about a candidate's chances of success once on the job, so I'm hoping you can tell me a bit more about why the company reacted the way it did so we can figure out if I'm the right fit for you or not."

And then really listen to the answer. If you're not comfortable with the response, you should have no qualms about telling them that you're turning down the offer because of that.

does the order of interviews reveal the manager's thinking?

A reader writes:

I have recently had a few interviews and I wonder if the order in which interviewees are meeting with the potential manager might have any meaning to it.

I learned that I’m the first one to interview and that there are more people coming later on in the same day or on a different day. Does it signal anything in terms of preferences, who they want to see and consider first, do people being invited for later have less chance, or perhaps the interviewing team felt they were not happy with the first short-listed group and therefore the second group was called for?

In my experience, you shouldn't read anything into it.

When I'm scheduling interviews, I usually have a set number of candidates who I've decided to advance to interviews. And I have a window of time in which to conduct those interviews. Within that window, there's no meaning to who is scheduled when.

The only meaning I can think of in this regard is that occasionally I'll add a candidate into the interview schedule at the very last minute -- that usually means that the candidate emerged late in the process and is so promising that I'm willing to increase my planned number of interviews in order to include her.

Now, aside from the questions of what the interviewers reveal by the order they schedule people in, some people believe that being the first, middle, or last person interviewed can provide you with advantages or disadvantages. For instance, some people think that being last will keep you the freshest in their minds. Other people think that by going first, you set the bar that other candidates have to top. I suppose if you have an interviewer who is incredibly easily influenced by things like that, there could be something to that -- but in general, with a competent interviewer, it shouldn't matter.

Anyone disagree?

should you take on extra work without extra pay?

A reader writes:

I am an administrative assistant at a 10-person marketing company. My new boss just asked me to take on a project that my coworker used to do. I'd be willing to do it, but I wonder if I should. Is it a bad idea to let him give me more work that isn't part of my job description? I want to stay at this company for a long time but he isn't offering me a raise.

My answer to this reader's question is up over at U.S. News & World Report. Please check it out here and leave your own thoughts in the comments over there.

negotiating for flex time

A reader writes:

I live in New Jersey and applied for a hard-to-fill job job in Maine. The company is very interested in hiring me for the position even though I have not visited them yet. All our conversations thus far have been by phone, e-mail, and Skype. We have already discussed benefits and salary. There has been a lot of turn over in this position due to the fact that it's hard to adjust to life in rural Maine. I'm open to the idea of moving yet I realize that I will have to travel back to New Jersey every other weekend or so just to maintain property and relationships I have here. I'm thinking that a four day work week would be ideal for me - Monday to Thursday so that I can travel home some weekends and not be too drained. What would be the most timely and palatable way to present this idea to my possible new employer - before I visit them or after I have a firm offer ? Also, do you think they would be opposed to this idea?

Lots here. Taking these one at a time:

1. You should wait until you have an offer before raising this, as it will increase your chances of them saying yes. The idea is that you want to wait for them to want you before you ask them for something. On the other hand, if this is absolutely a requirement for you -- a must-have rather than a would-like-to-have -- then I think the more ethical thing to do is to mention it up-front so that they don't go through the time and expense of bringing you in if that's a deal-breaker for them.

2. However, if they're getting a lot of turnover because people can't adjust to living there, telling them that you plan to spend three days a week in New Jersey might not go over so well. It's like saying that you basically don't plan to ever adjust to living there, which doesn't bode well for your longevity in the position. If I were them, I'd want you to either commit or not, but not do it halfway.

3. As for the idea of a four-day work week itself, some jobs lend themselves to that and others don't. And just as importantly, some companies are open to it and others aren't, no matter what you say. (There are also generally larger considerations at play, such as the fact that it might be fine for a couple of people to do it but not if it becomes widespread, and so therefore they have to say no to everyone.) But you won't find out until you ask.

4. And last, just a side note: You haven't even met these people in person yet. It might not be safe to assume that they're "very interested" in hiring you. It's not uncommon to discuss salary and benefits at this stage, so don't read to much into that. And you probably shouldn't be sure that you want to work for them yet either; all kinds of important things come out when you meet in person that you should stay alert for.

Good luck!

receiving conflicting instructions from boss and boss's boss

A reader writes:

I'm a sales rep and we need to make x number of presentations a day. My boss has a looser definition of what a presentation is than his boss does. My boss has given me different direction than his boss has given our department. My boss' direction leaves the integrity of his direction in question. What should I do? Follow the direction of my direct boss or his boss?

This is the kind of question that frustrates me, because I'm baffled about why you don't just ask them about it. It's not just you; lots of people are unsure about how to handle this kind of thing, and I wish people wouldn't agonize over it so much. So often, when you're stumped about how to handle a work situation, the situation is to just be straightforward.

Just say to your boss: "Jane was pretty clear that she wanted us to do ___ instead. I'm hearing different directions from each of you and I'm not sure how to proceed. Could one of us talk to her so that we can all get aligned?"

If he insists his way is correct and you can ignore his boss, say, "I'm a little uneasy ignoring direct instructions from Jane. If you're sure I should, I'd at least like to send her a quick email and explain that we talked about this, so that she doesn't think I'm just ignoring her."

Now, if you have a boss who doesn't handle this conversation well, then your problem isn't conflicting instructions; it's having an inept boss. But barring that, straightforward is the way to go.

a tale of two interview mistakes

In phone interviews, I always ask the candidate to tell me what he or she knows about the job so far. It's surprising how many people reveal in response that they either have a complete misunderstanding of what the job entails, maybe because they haven't bothered to read the job description since applying two weeks ago. (Keep in mind that these are all scheduled phone interviews; they had time to prepare in advance and aren't being caught off guard by the call.)

Obviously, this is a huge strike. It's close to impossible to recover from, because why am I spending my time interviewing you for a job that you obviously aren't prepared to talk about, when there are hundreds of candidates who would be prepared?

I had this happen twice today (probably because I'm hiring for an entry-level job, and that's where you find the highest proportion of silly interview mistakes). But the two candidates couldn't have handled it more differently. The first candidate described a job I bet he'd like to have, but it's not the one I'm interviewing for. He was so ridiculously off that I asked him when he had last read the job description. His response? "I'm so tired right now that I can't remember what it said." No, seriously. With no inkling that there was anything wrong with saying that.

The second candidate also got it wrong, but when I explained to her that actually the job wasn't doing Y, but rather Z, she was mortified. She apologized profusely, and said was horrified, and when we were ending the call a little later, she apologized again. There's no doubt in my mind that she understood exactly how she'd messed up and that she cared, a lot.

The first guy is getting an instant rejection. The second candidate -- well, I might come back to her. She's not in the top tier because she didn't prepare, and there are tons of candidates who did. But she handled it well enough that if none of my other candidates wow me, I'd be willing to talk to her again. If nothing else, she's certainly someone I'd be willing to consider if she applied again in the future.

So how you handle mistakes matters. And recovery is possible.

a great question to ask your interviewer

On a phone interview today, when I asked the candidate what questions she had for me, she asked me this:

Thinking back to people who have been in this position previously, what differentiated the ones who were good from the ones who were really great?

This is the sort of question that melts an interviewer's heart. I'm still mentally beaming at her. Add it to your list!

dealing with possible racial discrimination when interviewing

A reader writes:

I have a general question regarding minorities and employers. I am an African-American female, who like many Americans is out of work and looking, which means continuously applying for jobs. I can say with full confidence that I fit the requirements, but when it comes to filling out voluntary EEOC questions that ask one's race and sex, I hesitate.

I understand that the question is optional, but I have talked to other minorities who were greeted with mild shock when hiring managers meet them. I have been on a few interviews where I didn’t get the job, and although I can never prove it, I felt that race may have been a factor. ( Example: I had 2 previous phone interviews, the position sounded promising and when they met me in person, I could sense their shock and mild disappointment.) The majority of these positions were/are at executive levels.

This is somewhat frustrating, and I sometimes feel like I should somehow inform all employers beforehand. As much as I would like to believe that racial bias wasn’t involved, I am also aware that America has more growing to do in that area. As a female, I’m sure you might be able to relate to this type of discrimination. I am familiar with EEOC guidelines, but since there is no way to prove that a job wasn’t earned because of race, there is no way to make a case.

I guess my general question is: Is it better to let the employer know that you are a minority beforehand to save time for the both of us, or is it better to ignore the question, hope for an interview and then prove why you are a minority that would fit in? If you could give me some insight, it would mean everything.

Hmmm. If we were going to look at this strictly logically, if you think that you're encountering hiring managers who are discriminating against you because of race, and you just want to avoid them altogether, then I suppose you could argue that you should fill out the EEOC questions in the hope of screening out companies like that.

But that doesn't feel very good. It might be a practical answer in the very short-term, but it's not an effective one in a larger sense, because it allows those people to go on comfortably practicing something odious.

But yet I don't know what a good answer is. I want to say that you should write those people off as someone you don't want to work for/with anyway, just like you'd write off people who were jerks in other ways ... but this is different, because it isn't really just jerkiness; it's something more sinister and damaging. And I don't want to make it easy on them.

What do others think a good answer is here?

(And also, here's a plea for people reading this to take the opportunity to be extra aware of this kind of thing and do what we can to counteract it if we suspect it's at work in our colleagues or ourselves.)

how to find a mentor

Having a mentor, especially at the early stages of your career, can be invaluable. You get someone who can advise you on career decisions, help you navigate tricky situations, and even just suggest ways to succeed at the more mundane aspects of office life.

There's a lot of advice out there that tells you to approach someone and ask them to set up a formal mentoring relationship with you. While I don't doubt that plenty of people have had success with this approach, I don't think you need to set up something so formal. Instead, some of the best mentoring relationships can develop naturally without ever being officially labeled.

Over at U.S. News & World Report today, I talk about how to do that. Please check it out and leave your own thoughts in the comments over there.

recent grad in despair over job market

A reader writes:

I'm a recent college graduate. I apply to countless job postings per day. Most of these are through online job boards (monster and craigslist). In recent months I have gotten crafty and researched (via google and linked in) those in the department I would like to work for and emailed them directly in tandem with applying online through the proper HR channels.

I have networked my life away for the past year, only to get a small response. I even tried to join a networking group in Philadelphia, only to have emails unanswered and I seem to have been removed from the email blast list (now THAT'S depressing). When it comes to networking I thought being outgoing and professional was key. I arrived on-time, dressed professionally (J Crew always) and even had business cards with my info and qualifications printed on them. I was always quick to respond (within 48 hours) and courteous in exchanges. I even attended a SHRM event and actually met some really inspiring, seasoned professionals.

I have gone up and down the street in 90 degree heat wearing a suit and handed out resumes to anyone and any business that would take them.

I have gone to jobs fairs with a stack of resumes and tried my best to coax people into giving me a business card. Followed up with them and out of all the times ONLY ONE has ever responded. She was quite helpful but it was for a position with the IRS that I was not qualified for.

All the while, I worked retail just to bring in some money and gain experience.

I completed several internships during college so the thought of working for free again is cringe-inducing.

I also created my own fashion blog. I have learned content editing, some html, and lot about journalism. I often do boutique write ups, comment on current events in media, design and fashion, and I also now write for the local paper.

I have had to relocated back home with parents (the ultimate nail in the coffin) and am unable to find employment here.

I am a courageous, intelligent and resourceful person who feels completely lost and like I have exhausted many avenues. I am capable, articulate and assertive. I do not fear interviews because who better to market myself than me. Sooooooo .. Please please please tell me what I am doing wrong? I network, I apply day in and day out and I have exhausted family connections. I have even started a blog to hone my skills and utilize my time off wisely. I am willing to work but no one seems to want to hire college students. Every job says I need 3-5 years of experience. How will I ever get experience if no one gives me a chance?

I'm sorry. This sucks.

You're doing everything right -- seriously, your list is ridiculously impressive. I don't think it's you. (I looked at your resume too, so I'm even more sure that it's not you.) It's the job market; it's abysmal. There are more great candidates than there are jobs right now, so it's just simple math. You are being screwed by math.

And recent grads are being especially hard hit, because you're competing with people who have more experience than you do. You're in an incredibly hard situation.

The good news: It's not going to stay like this forever. The job market will recover. You will get a job. But not in anything approaching a normal time frame. You just need to hunker down and know that this will pass.

Something I'd suggest meanwhile: Volunteer. Volunteer anywhere and everywhere that interests you and has a use for your skills. This has the potential to open a lot of doors; not only will you meet people and expand your network, but you'll become a known quantity to them, which counts for a lot. And if it doesn't lead to a job, you're adding to your resume, which will help you with paid employers. (Plus, you'll be doing something good.)

Hang in there. You're not alone, not by a long shot. Focus on positioning yourself to be an even stronger candidate when the job market picks up, and something will come together for you.

Related: Sometimes it's not about you.

does employer realize I declined their offer last year?

A reader writes:

I recently applied, interviewed for and accepted a job at a company that I interviewed with 20 months ago.

20 months ago, I was offered the job but had to decline (I couldn't wrap up my job at the time and move cities quickly enough for them).

In my cover letter and during the interview process this time, I did not disclose that I had previously interviewed, nor did they indicate that they recognized me.

I am not the same candidate I was 20 months ago (better experience, fully established in the city the job is located in, etc...), and the job has changed somewhat (same people but different reporting structure). I don't feel that I've done anything unethical, but am concerned how about how it might be perceived.

I have resigned my current job and am very excited about the new one which starts soon, but am a bit anxious about the omission, despite being fine with it during the process.

Two questions:

1) Would you as a manager fire me or rescind the (signed) offer if I disclosed this now?

2) Any advice on how to bring this up with my new manager?

How strange.

I would simply proceed on the assumption that they know you applied previously, and not give it too much more thought. If in two months they suddenly look shocked and say, "Hey, didn't we offer you this a job a year ago," then just say, "Yes -- I thought we all knew I was reapplying after the first offer didn't work out." I can't see any reason why someone would fire you over this, assuming there was no deliberate deception (which there wasn't).

Because really, if they didn't know -- and it's the same people -- that's really weird. They should know. You should be able to safely assume they know. It's odd that it didn't come up in the interview at all (even just a "hey, nice to see you again" from either of you), but I wouldn't stress out too much about it.

People re-apply for jobs all the time. Your situation is only different in that you got an offer last time. Your reason for declining then made sense. There isn't anything to hide here.

Really, this isn't a big deal. Just go about your job.

accepting a home loan from your boss -- oh, and lying to him about it too

A reader writes:

I initially discussed with my boss, who is also the sole owner of the company, the possibility of him giving me a home loan. The home loan was for me and my future spouse to buy a property to settle down. The amount is approximately 10% of the property price.

However, I have decided to purchase a property for investment of the same amount and defer my plan to buy a property for personal use.

Should I tell him the truth that I am using it for investment purpose? If yes, how do I convince him to lend me the down payment that I am going to use for my property investment?

I am speechless, so bear with me here.

What?!

This is a terrible, terrible plan.

First of all, your boss should not be loaning you money. It's fraught with potential for huge problems -- more on your boss' side than yours, in fact. For instance, if you're performing poorly down the road, will he be less inclined to fire you because he's tied to you in this way, and he'll lower his chances of getting paid back if you're unemployed? Or, aside from that, will other employees think that's happening? What happens if you're late on payments or default altogether? Do you really think that won't affect your relationship at work?

But that's not even your question. Your question is whether you should lie to him to get the loan.

Um.

Have you thought about what will happen if your boss discovers this lie? (Which he very easily could. He sees your address on your payroll tax forms, for god's sake.) And more to the point, how could you feel good about lying to the person who is very generously offering to make you a large loan?

And you also want to know how to convince him to loan you the money for a different use. I have no idea. I wouldn't recommend trying.

I recommend a bank, not your boss.

Seriously, back away from this whole arrangement. It is a terrible, terrible idea.

it's your office holiday party!

I get a lot of mail full of angst about company holiday parties -- do you have to go, can you make your employees go, why can't they give you a day off instead, and so forth.

Apparently there are an awful lot of you who cannot stand your coworkers enough to spend an hour standing around with them eating frosted cookies and cheese balls. And there are a lot of managers who seem to be totally oblivious to that fact.

As a holiday gift to us all, here are some official rules of office holiday parties.

Holiday Party Rules for Employees Who Don't Want to Go

1. If you want to skip it, skip it. Say you have a conflicting engagement and stop agonizing over it. It's not like people don't have myriad family and social obligations at this of the year that you can use an excuse.

2. But be aware that in some offices, these things are borderline mandatory. If that's the case with yours, suck it up and make an appearance. Look at it as any other work obligation. But come late, leave early, and pass the time by talking to your coworkers' dates, who will probably be grateful.

3. Read my past tips for surviving the office holiday party, where you find advice like "drink things in small glasses so you have a constant excuse to leave awkward conversations."

4. Possibly start looking for a job with coworkers you like, who you want to eat frosted cookies with.

Holiday Party Rules for Managers

1. If you think the party is a treat for employees, make sure they see it that way too. If you have staffers who just don't enjoy these functions, requiring their presence under the guise of giving them a treat isn't going to build morale; it's going to hurt it.

2. Don't expect people to read your mind. If there are work repercussions to not attending, be honest and tell people they're expected to attend. But if it's truly supposed to be for their enjoyment, accept that some people won't show up because they don't enjoy such events (or would rather spend their off hours doing something else), and be okay with that. Don't penalize people for not going, even just in your head.

3. If you are going to expect/require attendance, you really, really should try to hold it during work hours.

.......

What have I missed?

2 petty things

Yes, these complaints are petty, but here they are nonetheless:

1. Please don't address me as "Mrs." in your cover letter.

"Mrs." refers to a married woman (and even then, plenty of them don't use it). I am not married. And if I were, I would be unnerved that you somehow knew that. Either way, I wonder why you're assuming it.

The term you're looking for is "Ms." It's the female equivalent of "Mr." -- in other words, it makes marital status irrelevant.

I'm not rejecting anyone over this, just noting that it's mildly weird. Also weird is that the people most likely to do this are male recent grads.

(For more on this topic, this post over at Clue Wagon has lots of input on this in the comments.)

2. It's not a great idea to apply for a job with me and then add me to the email list you use for mass-circulation of announcements promoting your band, your fundraiser, your side business, your inspirational story, and/or the news article you found interesting this morning. If you do this, it will annoy me and make me wonder why you thought this was appropriate.

If your email program is automatically adding everyone you've ever emailed to your "contacts" list, either change your settings or -- even better -- never send a mass email to your full contacts list.

I told you they were petty.

how to handle requests for salary history

A reader writes:

I am searching for a new position and more than half of listings require salary history. Not even requirements but history, which I think is completely unjust and I typically do not give out because a) it’s confidential, b) it’s excessive in wanting to know about the applicant and c) if my future salary is to be determined by my past salary, I would be broke for the rest of my life because I was grossly underpaid!

But some companies insist on it, including a few companies I badly want to work at. And since I can’t be unemployed forever, should I…. a) surrender my principles and submit a history and b) if I do, can I slightly exaggerate the numbers? Like I said, it’s confidential and the company cannot ask others about my financial record so they wouldn’t be able to find out.

Well, there's how things should be and then there's how things often are.

Personally, I believe that your salary history is no one's business but your own, and that employers should pay based on their assessment of your value, not what their competitors thought you were worth. And I think that insisting on salary history is the mark of a lazy HR department.

However, the reality is that many, many employers do require it. And some will discard you immediately if you don't provide it. So you have to decide if you want to hold firm on not giving it out and risk not being considered, or whether you're willing to compromise in order to possibly get the job.

If you decide to hold firm, Nick Corcodilos has a lot of advice on how to do it (as well as some impassioned treatises on why you should). You can also try saying that you committed to your past employers to keep your salary confidential, and you need to honor that.

But some employers will end things right there, so you need to be prepared for that. It's possible that this is a sign of an employer who you don't want to work for anyway, but it's also possible that they just have a bureaucratic HR person. So you need to decide how important this is to you and how much risk you're willing to take on.

But one thing you can't risk: lying about the numbers. If you give numbers, they must be accurate, since if they find out later that you lied, employers can and will yank job offers over that, because it speaks to your integrity -- in fact, they can even fire you after you've been hired if they find out you lied in your application materials. And they can indeed find out; some companies actually ask candidates for W2s or other documentation of the numbers they gave, as part of the offer paperwork. So either tell or don't tell, but don't lie.

when you can't recommend a friend for a job

A reader writes:

I have a friend (kinda) who applied for a position at the hotel I work at. It would be working directly with me. I did not and would not recommend her for this position. I know she is not a good fit.

She applied, put my name down, and got an interview. How do I tactfully tell my boss not to hire her? She is not a team player and I know she would not work out. I cannot work with her and we would be working the same shifts. I also know for a fact that she has talked back to her bosses previously. My mom and brother both worked with her and told me it would turn out bad as well.

Well, first, be sure that you really think she wouldn't be good at the job -- and that it's not just that you don't want to work with her. Because if it's the latter, I can't condone standing in the way of someone finding employment based just on a personal dislike.

But assuming that you really do know her to be someone who wouldn't work out well, you can discreetly mention it to your boss. Be specific about why you think that (not just that you know she wouldn't be a good fit, but why), and make it clear that her putting your name down in no way indicates your endorsement.

You can also mention to your boss that you feel awkward about the position you're in, and ask that he handle your feedback with discretion.

should I include an audio clip with my resume?

A reader writes:

I had an idea which I wanted to bounce off of you. I was thinking one way I could make myself different from the rest of the pack is a quick audio overview of myself; sort of an elevator speech directed at the organization I am interested in. I am looking to apply for consulting positions in Information Technology. I believe an audio file will enhance my resume and cover letter, be very different from the rest of the pack, and show my charisma and ability to speak intelligently.

What do you think? Thanks!

I think no, for the same reason that video resumes are a bad idea: Most hiring managers are spending mere seconds on your resume before making a decision about whether to put you in their yes, no, or maybe pile. They don't want to watch or listen to a whole pitch; they want to scan the parts of your resume that they want to scan, and they want to do it quickly. Video or audio overviews remove that ability.

I also don't think an audio file would necessarily indicate charisma or ability to speak intelligently, because for all I know, you're reading a script that someone else wrote and which took you 20 tries to get to sound like that. I'm much more interested in how you speak extemporaneously, if we get to an interview.

Now, there might be some industries where this might be a better idea ... but I suspect that most hiring managers, like me, would just delete it.

What do others think?

is using "we" in an interview presumptuous?

A reader writes:

In a job interview, I have been asked questions based on scenarios (i.e., "What would you do if..." or "How would you handle..." with specific situations or projects that are actually going on at the organization or are coming up).

I often catch myself answering using "we" as if I'm already part of their team. Is this good or bad? Does it sound presumptuous or confident? Does it matter at all?

I like this question because you clearly over-think things, and so do I, so I like you.

I also like it because I've noticed this before and thought about it myself, and wondered if I was crazy for pondering it, so I'm pleased to hear that others wonder about it too.

Honestly, I don't think it really makes a difference. It doesn't make me think the person is more enthusiastic or invested or confident than someone who doesn't do it, and it also doesn't make me think the person is presumptuous. At its worst, it might sound sales-ish, but it depends on the delivery.

I suppose there might be interviewers out there who don't like it, and so you'd be safer not to do it ... but I wouldn't agonize over it too much.

Why performance reviews deserve a better rap

Performance evaluations often get a bad rap by people who see them as a bureaucratic waste of time.

And, yes, if you treat performance evaluations as a waste of time -- just an exercise you have to get through so you can say it was done -- that's exactly what they will be. But when done right, by good managers, performance evaluations can be meaningful and useful, both to the employee and the manager doing the evaluating.

Over at U.S. News & World Report today, I talk about why performance evaluations deserve a better rap. Please check it out.

former boss is waging campaign of harassment against me

A reader writes:

I used to be quite good friends with my immediate manager; I met her through her brother, who I was very close to, and for a while we actually lived together. Then it all fell to pieces. On a personal level, we had a falling out (she stole a large amount of liquor from a friend after a party, the second time she'd done this, and when I discovered it, I called her out on it- something I hadn't done before).

She immediately began taking it out on me at work. We lived together, and till that point had commuted together in her car- now I had to find my own way. She didn't have hiring or firing power over me, however she found ways to make my job harder, and make me look incompetent. She developed the habit of eavesdropping at my door when I was on the phone and busting in to scream at me when we were home, so I took to going down the block whenever I had to call someone. Finally, she told me to move out. I thought it was all over, especially after she got a new position at a different company and moved on. I was unofficially promoted, and have been in her old role now for almost eight months.

But it wasn't over. Since she's left, she's waged a personal campaign against me with our mutual friends- this I can handle. What I can't is when it bleeds into the workplace. She's stated that the worst thing that ever happened to her was my moving to this city (I moved for my job under her), and that she wants me to die, or failing that, to move away as no one- professionally or personally- wants me here. She has a good relationship with my boss, who isn't exactly stable herself, after working together for several years, and still has professional contact with our company, not to mention she's still working in my field and has contact with many people I deal with in one way or another. She's approached my boss on several occasions, unsolicited, to express 'concerns' over my competency, my behavior, my professionalism, and my ability to do her old job. She's sent emails after projects my company did that she was involved with, which she knows, if they were actual concerns, should be sent to me as she used to BE me, to all my other coworkers (it's a small team), demanding changes after the fact and blaming me for not reading her mind or jumping at her command (in that situation she was a participant, not a client, which meant my judgement was the ruling factor, not her wishes). Most recently, she's started spewing even more hate filled rhetoric about me (never naming names but it's a small city and she's not a subtle woman) all over social media sites about me- this pops up every few weeks, that she'll start again. She presents herself as the victim who had to deal with me, or a passive aggressive concern. While socially people aren't buying it (she's lapsed one too many times into outright lunacy, not to mention obvious history-rewriting), in professional circumstances I worry she may be convincing.

I have no unnecessary contact with this women. When I deal with her professionally, I am professional and polite. Personally, I have no dealings with her at all. I've made it my policy to just bite my tongue, and not feed into this. However, this has to stop. I'm worried it could effect my current job, and it could have repercussions on future jobs- she was my direct supervisor, after all. Most importantly, my boss would like to bring her back as a consultant for several meetings about a recent relaunch we did- while she helped with the groundwork before she left, this was my baby. I know she's going to tear me apart. Is there anyway I can either make her stop entirely, or at the very least protect myself professionally? Contrary to what she says, I am good at my job. How do you damage control someone this wacky?

Holy crap. Several things:

1. This is why it's a bad idea to cross professional boundaries with your boss -- friendship alone puts you on shaky ground; living together is one of the worst ideas of all time.

2. Read The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker immediately. It'll help you figure out whether this woman is a nuisance or likely to turn into something more dangerous. Seriously, read this; she sounds unhinged and she's saying she wants you dead.

3. Talk to your boss and/or your HR department. Tell them that she is your former roommate, that you had a falling out, and that you are afraid of her -- that she's telling people she wants you dead (!), that she is sending people harassing emails about you, and that she is posting attacks about you on the Internet. Explain that your policy has been to try to ignore it and that you're not engaging with her at all, but that you are (a) afraid for your professional reputation and that of your employer, and (b) afraid that she may show up at the office and cause a scene or worse. Use the words "I am afraid of her."

I'm not a lawyer, but it's possible that your company may have some liability here, since she's your former manager. If nothing else, by warning them of what's going on, they probably incur some degree of obligation not to bring her back as a consultant ... and if you have any credibility at all, and handle this calmly, you'll probably destroy all credibility she has in their eyes.

Any advice from anyone else?

accepted a job; do I need to notify other places I applied?

A reader writes:

I got a job that I really wanted and I'm happy and grateful. My question is what's the best way to let other prospective employers know? These are places where I put in resumes, but haven't gotten interviews. (If I had interviewed for another job and was still waiting, I would call the hiring manager when I got another job offer.)

Some are easy--they have a link on their site where you can withdraw your candidacy. Others had email addresses to submit your resume. Should I email that same address and withdraw? Still others had U.S. Mail addresses to send your resume to. Should I call or email their HR offices and withdraw?

Even if I didn't think I had much chance of getting a call about some of these jobs, I don't want to waste HR's time, and I want to be polite. However, if they discarded my resume immediately on receipt, it seems a waste of their time to contact them and withdraw. What's the best way to handle this? I've applied for a lot of jobs over the last few months!

Congratulations on your new job!

I agree that you should notify anywhere that you had interviewed with (including phone interviews) that you're withdrawing from consideration -- because it's polite, and because you might be taking up a slot in their finalist pool that someone else could have.

However, convention doesn't really require you to notify places where you've just sent your resume and haven't yet heard anything.

But it's still a nice thing to do, if you choose to. I'd send an email rather than calling, for all the reasons I normally recommend email over calling (less of an interruption, more efficient, blah blah). I'd also just do it with the places you've applied in the last couple of weeks, not going back months. (Places that wait a long time to contact candidates should know that some of them will have accepted other offers meanwhile.)

But again, there's absolutely no obligation or even any expectation that you'll do this if they haven't asked you to interview.

Also, you are very polite to even be thinking about this -- many of those places you applied to don't even bother to tell applicants they've been rejected, so thank you for showing them how courtesy works.

how not to pitch a blogger: for publicists

Thank you, but no, I do not want to receive a free copy of your book to review, or interview the author who you're promoting, or reprint your press release about your product.

As you may notice from reading my blog, I've never promoted a book (well, except my own), interviewed an author, or reprinted someone's corporate-promotion-masquerading-as-career-tips. But you didn't know that because you didn't bother to even glance at my blog before you wrote to me to ask me to promote your client.

Yes, I'm going to rant about PR people now. The ones who are flooding my in-box with press releases that aren't relevant to me, about a dozen a day.

This is what bugs me: Of course it's easier for publicists to simply lump all bloggers into one group and treat them all the same, rather than taking the time to look at my blog and realize that it makes no sense to pitch me. But doing so makes it abundantly clear that they value their time and interests far more than my own: They have no problem interrupting people with an email that is of zero value to them, because they're solely working to advance their own interests. Which makes them essentially spammers, just cloaked in a veneer of respectability.

Now, someone might counter that with: If you have a blog, you're putting yourself out there and asking to be pitched, by nature of your existence -- just like a newspaper can't complain when people send it press releases.

But I would argue that blogs are different. I don't get paid to write this blog. I do it because I want to, but that means doing a lot of work for free. Why would I give space here, in what I've worked to create for free, to a publicist who wants to promote something to make their client a profit? You might as well ask me to display your company's billboard in my living room.

Of course, I can and do just hit delete. But it's still really annoying to see this behavior, and they're not doing their clients any favors.

Monica O'Brien has a brilliant post on this here. I highly recommend it.

no one told me my coworker was fired

A reader writes:

Yesterday I found out through coworkers that one of our managers left/was fired (closer to the latter, I think... I have heard he was in a "you need to show improvement in three months" situation which ended this week). His name is still on his office, and his things are still here, but he is definitely gone--after confirming with a coworker, I sent him an e-mail wishing him well and have heard back from him.

My thoughts on the matter are definitely biased by the fact I really liked the guy, as did a lot of the people who worked under him, but I am writing to ask what communication is proper from an employer after an employee is let go in a situation like this? I am angry that there has been no word from my employer--this is someone I worked with on and off for the past year and a half! We were not working together recently, but I did not like finding this out through "office gossip" and it makes me uncomfortable that management is not willing to communicate that this employee no longer works here. Within what time-frame would you expect to be told of a coworker's firing? Or is it appropriate not to communicate this?

Our office is about 60 people (the company is 300-400), and we frequently get office-wide e-mails. I was very frustrated yesterday, because I wanted to reach out the employee, but did not want to do so mistakenly in case the rumor was false. I know decisions like this are usually made with a lot of planning--is there some reason I'm missing why other employees can't be informed afterwards? When employees leave under other circumstances we usually have a little ice-cream social goodbye meeting ("Office Space" style) which makes it hard to take when one employee just disappears.

Yes, employers should let other employees know as soon as possible. Not only is it completely weird not to for the reasons that you cite, but there are also practical reasons that demand it -- for instance, you might still be transferring calls to the person, or sending them work.

However, for some reason, a lot of employers really struggle with how to do this gracefully. I worked at one place that would never announce it -- one day the person's desk would just be empty and it was clear that they were Not To Be Spoken Of Again. This place also fired a ton of people, so it of course the company's bizarre handling of it quickly became a morbid joke among all of us, and whenever anyone was out sick or even just late, speculation would be rampant.

Anyway, in my opinion, the way to do it is to let people know quickly and directly, along with information on how things will be handled while the position is vacant. For instance: "Jim's last day was today, and we wish him the best. Until we hire a replacement, Linda will be handling his accounts, and please talk to her if you have questions about specific projects Jim was working on."

But it's often going to be awkward anyway. In my experience, there are two ways people react when a coworker gets fired: They either think "I saw that one coming" (or even "it's about time") or they're shocked.

When people saw it coming, it usually doesn't cause much of a ripple. But in cases where coworkers are shocked, it can be really be rattling. When you're shocked, keep in mind that most people don't advertise it when they're struggling in their jobs, and good managers are discreet about it too. So even though the firing came as a surprise to you, it probably didn't come as a surprise to your coworker. It's pretty rare for someone to be fired without any warning (except in particularly egregious cases, like embezzling or, say, punching someone). In most cases, the employee has had numerous conversations with their manager about whatever the problem is and what needs to change. And if the employer is at all responsible, the person has also been explicitly told that they could lose their job if the problems aren't fixed.

But that's a tangent. Back to your question: Anyone want to shed light on what's up with those companies that fire people and then don't announce to the remaining staff that the person is gone? Are they too wimpy? Suffering from misplaced fear that they'll get sued if they say the wrong thing? Something else?

employee potluck lunches, with allergies

A reader writes:

I am a third grade elementary school teacher and our school holds a "potluck" lunch for the staff every other Friday. Due to my numerous and severe food allergies, I have politely excused myself from attending these gatherings and therefore I do not sign up to contribute.

Since the economic downturn, it has been decided that sign-ups will now be by the entire grade level, rather than by individuals signing up, to keep costs lower. (We have 60 staff members, so it does get expensive to bring food for that many people!) The seven other teachers on my grade level are now expecting me to contribute, even though they are well aware that eating potluck food could jeopardize my health and I still would have to bring my own lunch anyway. Do you have any advice for me in this "sticky" situation?

Why the hell is the school having so many potlucks? Every other week?! I'd be curious to know if the majority of other teachers like having them be so frequent, or if others feel put-upon as well.

I would simply talk to the other teachers on your grade level and explain: "I'd love to participate, but I have so many food allergies that it would be an enormous imposition if I expected others to accommodate me. So I'm going to be skipping them and hope you guys understand." If you really want to soften it up, add in: "Maybe we can do our own occasional lunches on a smaller scale sometimes, although I totally understand if dealing with allergy restrictions is more of a hassle than people feel like taking on."

Notice the words that were used there? You're bowing out for their convenience, so that they don't have follow your allergy restrictions when they cook. Never mind that they obviously hadn't been planning to anyway; this reframes it in a way that should be easier for everyone to swallow.

Also, let's take this opportunity to broadcast a public service announcement to everyone in a position to influence this stuff: Biweekly workplace social events of any kind are too frequent -- and if you're going to do it anyway, under no circumstances can you hold it against people if they choose not to participate. If you want to expect people to attend and frown upon it if they don't, try twice a year. Jeez.

how much can you change your manager?

One of the most common themes in the questions people send me is: "How can I change my manager?" Or, how can I make her stop this annoying habit, or not be a jerk, or learn to manage her time better?

The answer is: Maybe you can't.

And rather than stewing in frustration for months or even years, it's better to determine whether the thing that's driving you crazy is ever going to change. If not, your quality of life will be much higher if you stop focusing on how much it irritates you and, instead, choose to accept it, and decide how you want to respond.

Over at U.S. News & World Report today, I talk about how and why to do this. Please check it out!

coworker moonlighting as prostitute during work hours

A reader writes:

My co-worker is a very open person and tells me to cover for her every time she has to leave the office. Our boss and manager are not here half the time so when they are not, my co-worker leaves either early and/or takes a really long lunch. At the beginning, the excuse for leaving early was because of a date. But she later told me that she's actually sleeping with people for money. She comes back all proud, telling me how much money she made in an hour.

I am no one to judge what my co-worker does and it doesn't bother me, but it does start to annoy me when I have to pick up the slack. When our boss gives us work to do together, I end up doing most of the work.

What really got me upset was when my co-worker was having sex with a client in our public restroom. I don't care what my co-worker does in their personal life but when this person is having sex for money during working hours, then it starts to affect me because I have to finish the work she never got around to doing because she was out of the office most of the day.

I don't know how to tell my manager. Should I even say something? I need guidance and advice.

Wow, this is by far the most titillating letter I've ever received here.

I'd just be straightforward with her and tell her: "I don't care what you do in your personal life, but while you're off making money, you're leaving me to pick up the slack here. You're putting me in a bad position, because you're asking me to cover for you and you're leaving me with more work."

If that doesn't change anything, then warn you that you're going to stop covering for her. And the next time she leaves with work undone, tell your boss that the work is undone because your coworker was out most of the day.

Personally, I wouldn't tell the boss why -- you don't need to explain to your boss how she's spending her time away from the office, only that she is indeed away.

But I do recommend that you take all of the steps above immediately. If your coworker gets caught, and it comes out that she told you what she was doing, you risk being seen in conspiracy with her. Good luck!