tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post3664018393723103867..comments2023-09-29T06:09:21.089-04:00Comments on Ask a Manager: is my wife's boss coming on to her?Ask a Managerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05281942480230532899noreply@blogger.comBlogger44125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-7362600266879542672010-03-17T22:09:56.279-04:002010-03-17T22:09:56.279-04:00You know this blog generally has great advice, but...You know this blog generally has great advice, but I agree with the original posters. It was a reasonable question which most of the responders twisted and responded rudely to.<br /><br />In my opinion, there is a reasonable chance this guy is fishing, pure and simple. He likes the wife and wants to see how open she is. If there wasn't a vibe the wife probably wouldn't have felt the need to ask a question. I've had plenty of professional lunches but the context and tone always tells you what is really going on. If I were the wife, I would go to the lunch and use it as an opportunity to send plenty of "I'm not interested" signals.Will Riddlehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07742743446415304322noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-30288016593978231172010-01-25T13:53:13.080-05:002010-01-25T13:53:13.080-05:00Drop her like like a bag of crap? Divorce courts d...Drop her like like a bag of crap? Divorce courts don't generally look well on cheating on your partner, assuming that you have actually evidence, and not hearsay.Richardhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10175354716458256254noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-65736738533101499802010-01-25T06:10:23.420-05:002010-01-25T06:10:23.420-05:00"is my wife's boss coming on to her?"..."is my wife's boss coming on to her?"<br /><br />guys, what happened with me has been worse. for last one year due to recession my job has been badly affected. self and wife often had fights but we somehow made up. But things went worse when my wife went with her 50 year old divorced male boss to Hong Kong. All alone, everything paid for by her boss.<br />She didn't seek any advice or permissions from me. She just INFORMED me. <br />later i learned they were just working 4 hours a day and sightseeing for the rest of the day. they would spend the evenings with candle light dinner and on SOHO street(dont know what is that.).<br />I am a man of limited resources and have not been able to take her to expensive places or give her exotic lifestyle. I have done what i could within my means - like take her to adventure camps, hiking and all. <br />And when i am going through bad phase this is how she has paid me back - going off with a successful man with high status and money.<br />what should I do?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-27230965630810735012010-01-20T13:21:53.751-05:002010-01-20T13:21:53.751-05:00AAM, did you stop writing? I miss your daily updat...AAM, did you stop writing? I miss your daily update...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-46240617300467194272010-01-04T14:30:35.212-05:002010-01-04T14:30:35.212-05:001. Thuy wins. I read the original post and thought...1. Thuy wins. I read the original post and thought, "She gave him a gift card and he felt bad about not having a reciprocal gift, so he popped up with lunch."<br /><br />2. I took the language of the email (without the offending title) and showed it to a coworker here. He thought the OP was asking if the boss was sort of coming on to his wife.<br /><br />3. If my (male) boss took me to lunch, it would look weird. He never goes to lunch with anyone. So if he even had a male employee, if Boss asked Male Employee out to lunch, it would look odd.<br /><br />4. But if he asked me to go to lunch I would. I can always defend myself with a fork, need be.<br /><br />5. All observations aside: if a situation makes you feel creepy, go with it. Don't ask your husband to write it for you.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-34465910644889692042010-01-04T12:17:02.358-05:002010-01-04T12:17:02.358-05:00Based on the defensiveness from the original poste...Based on the defensiveness from the original poster(s), it sounds like there's some 'projecting' going on...<br /><br />Seriously, though, one person being attracted to another or two people being attracted to each other (regardless of gender!) is an integral and perfectly normal part of human nature - so what if it's a manager/employee, coworker/coworker, cashier/customer, etc.? Once we're in a relationship do we suddenly stop finding every one of the other 4.9 billion people on the planet completely unattractive? And they all somehow know they're not allowed to be attracted to us?<br /><br />I can't speak for everyone else, but my wife loves to ask for details about the cute receptionist flirting with me at work and then demonstrate why she's no competition...<br /><br />There's only an issue if one or both parties ACT on those feelings. For example, let's say the manager in question IS attracted to the new employee - he's either professional enough to behave appropriately or he's not - going to lunch isn't going to flip some magic switch that changes that. If he's going to come on to her and they didn't go to lunch, he'd just do it in some other forum.<br /> <br />Q.E.D. - IT'S JUST LUNCH. <br /><br />(that, or we need all new HR rules to segregate everyone by gender and orientation to save people from themselves and eliminate any possibility of temptation or impropriety - either way...)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-52499185281706015142010-01-02T13:49:18.133-05:002010-01-02T13:49:18.133-05:00In a previous life I worked in a field where face-...In a previous life I worked in a field where face-to-face contact with supervisors is very limited. We met bout once a month to review my progress on my projects, with small questions in between handled by brief e-mails. Many supervisors in the department held their biweekly or monthly meetings with underlings in their offices, but mine preferred to hold his over individual lunches. He was a married male (and a father to boot!) and I was a single woman half his age. I never felt uncomfortable or questioned his motives because, well, he came across as a nice guy who wanted to do something nice for the people he supervised. If your boss is coming across as something more sinister, then perhaps examine why he comes across that way -- because that's the real point of contention, not the would-be innocuous lunch.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-15018208722113582432010-01-01T17:41:23.959-05:002010-01-01T17:41:23.959-05:00Your wife gave her boss a gift, the boss is recipr...Your wife gave her boss a gift, the boss is reciprocating. Period. <br />Unless there was a direct, in your face come on attached to the invite a lot is being read into food. I'm not buying into this doesn't happen here malarchy. People eat.<br /><br />The first business 1-1 meal invite is awkward regardless of gender. The good news is that strong friendships and alliances are built this way. Emphasis on the words friendship and alliance. There's nothing weird about sharing a meal unless you or your spouse make it an issue.<br /><br />I've *gasp* shared food with males, females and occassionally a random pet since grade school so I consider myself an expert in this matter.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-91932744581234203432009-12-31T00:07:22.487-05:002009-12-31T00:07:22.487-05:00Thuy wins. You (Wife) started this by giving the b...Thuy wins. You (Wife) started this by giving the boss a present. The boss is probably just as terrified of a misstep as you are.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-34819999097440065182009-12-30T17:37:24.948-05:002009-12-30T17:37:24.948-05:00did he ask her while wearing ass-less chaps and a ...did he ask her while wearing ass-less chaps and a whip?nicolhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15771046777783530650noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-1585833699140161112009-12-30T17:21:32.040-05:002009-12-30T17:21:32.040-05:00Since everyone is saying 'Hey no big deal,'...Since everyone is saying 'Hey no big deal,' and the OPs are saying, 'but this never happens!', it appears to be more an issue of effectively evaluating the office culture, which may be outside the purview of AAM's ability for this particular question. And thus, this may be a problem for which this blog can provide you no answers and you'll have to figure it out yourself. <br /><br />Maybe the new manager doesn't usually receive gifts and so doesn't know how to respond?Sydhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08030937847407037094noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-306827840589382162009-12-30T15:48:17.988-05:002009-12-30T15:48:17.988-05:00@ Unemployed Gal:
I guess our no gossip policy wor...@ Unemployed Gal:<br />I guess our no gossip policy works because it's enforced. Gossip is usually reported to management and the offender is dealt with immediately. We're all adults and we act like it. We also have low turnover.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-53626397301698357232009-12-30T13:47:01.729-05:002009-12-30T13:47:01.729-05:00@Cara...I'm glad you brought that up. I think ...@Cara...I'm glad you brought that up. I think a lot of women have a fearful mentality that does hold them down in the workplace. If a man can go out to lunch with his boss, then I will go out to lunch with my boss.Karennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-4496754394407638762009-12-30T13:33:49.839-05:002009-12-30T13:33:49.839-05:00@Anonymous:
I wouldn’t call a women and her male b...@Anonymous:<br /><i>I wouldn’t call a women and her male boss going out to lunch alone a “normal” relationship.</i><br /><br />I would. We obviously use different dictionaries.Mary Suehttp://eatdrinkandbemarysue.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-22473498601026780702009-12-30T13:11:54.054-05:002009-12-30T13:11:54.054-05:00As a (female) manager I like to take the opportuni...As a (female) manager I like to take the opportunity to spend some 1-1 time with my direct reports by taking them to lunch. They enjoy the individual attention (and the free lunch, lol). It doesn't matter if they are male or female - sheesh! This guy is totally overreacting. His wife also needs to get a life - do you need to tell your husband every time you go out to lunch with your boss?? Maybe she's trying to make her husband jealous, lol - sounds like ti worked!Annettenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-3605604977755486042009-12-30T11:09:43.508-05:002009-12-30T11:09:43.508-05:00ok so let me get this straight, while the wife thi...ok so let me get this straight, while the wife thinks it's perfectly normal to give the new manager a gift card as a present, she is absolutely confused and uncomfortable when the manager invites her to lunch?!?! Really? you were the one that initiated this whole thing. Would you feel better if the manager were to just reciprocate the favor by giving you a present back?? Even if he did so, I bet you would still feel uncomfortable because.. "now he's giving you a present"thuyhttp://novice-hr.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-57120329673561408772009-12-30T11:04:52.892-05:002009-12-30T11:04:52.892-05:00@Pregnant Yuppie: “Of course my office has a stric...@Pregnant Yuppie: “Of course my office has a strict no gossip policy...” I’ve never heard of a workplace with an actual gossip policy. In my experience, people will either gossip or won’t, and others either participate or ignore it. I’m glad to hear that you have a gossip-free workplace. How do they enforce this?Unemployed Galnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-7096937128765131832009-12-30T11:01:05.135-05:002009-12-30T11:01:05.135-05:00Anonymous said "I wouldn’t call a women and h...Anonymous said "I wouldn’t call a women and her male boss going out to lunch alone a “normal” relationship."<br /><br />WTF!<br /><br />Are you kidding me? This is part of the reason that women have been left behind in workplace advancement, because they think like this. If my male colleague can do something, you better bet I'm going to do it too and not demur for some crap reason like that.<br /><br />I go out to lunch (and sometimes dinner) with my male boss all the time. If someone thought anything of it, everyone would think they were a tool.<br /><br />And if I were a boss and my employee "wasn't comfortable" being alone over some food with me, I'd think they were a weirdo.Caranoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-36090791818184176062009-12-30T10:21:03.226-05:002009-12-30T10:21:03.226-05:00Seriously, SERIOUSLY? I'm a female (married) ...Seriously, SERIOUSLY? I'm a female (married) with a male boss who's also married, who also happens to be my friend, and we've been out to lunch and even out to drinks before. There's nothing to this offer. It's just an offer for lunch. Don't be weird. I have lots of male friends at work I go out to lunch with.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-62152829827652620912009-12-30T09:53:00.383-05:002009-12-30T09:53:00.383-05:00Wow, I'm going out for lunch with my boss tomo...Wow, I'm going out for lunch with my boss tomorrow, New Year's Eve, just the 2 of us, and I didn't think anything about it. In fact, I may even brag about it to my coworkers! Of course my office has a strict no gossip policy and I doubt that anyone would think that there was any favourtism or anything inappropriate going on.<br /><br />However, if The Wife is uncomfortable why not simply say to her manager that it isn't typical in the company for managers to only take one employee out for a lunch and suggest instead that he buy her a coffee? Quite often we create something out of nothing by not addressing our concerns head on.<br /><br />Personally I think you should go. Enjoy your lunch and who cares what others think?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-69541453833512400222009-12-30T09:30:52.450-05:002009-12-30T09:30:52.450-05:00It sounds like The Wife (and possibly her supervis...It sounds like The Wife (and possibly her supervisor) is confusing socializing and managing. Her manager likely has one of two reasons for the lunch invitation.<br /><br />First, socializing. He wants to get to know his new employee, which is fine. However, if this is the case, he should order pizzas for the office and chat with his entire team at once. This will avoid the appearance of favoritism. And if he feels the need to “repay” a gift, a group lunch shows greater generosity. It also halts the perception that employees need to “buy” face time with the boss through gift obligations. If you are uncomfortable with a private lunch, suggest that he “pay you back” by treating the entire team at once. You’ll look like a team player instead of “teacher’s pet,” and he’ll look like a generous, caring leader.<br /><br />Second, managing. He wants to have a private discussion about professional issues such as career development. If this is the case, schedule a non-lunch business meeting in his office. Bring your notes, close the door, and get to work. Because this <i>is</i> work, not “chat about Billy’s soccer team” time. People have meetings with managers everyday, so no one will bat an eye about this. <br /><br />Ask your manager about his “agenda” for your lunch invitation to learn whether it’s socializing or managing. If he’s trying to do both, I’d advise you to separate them as I described above.Unemployed Galnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-13450923098046179622009-12-30T09:01:53.503-05:002009-12-30T09:01:53.503-05:00I have to totally disagree with AAM on this.
“is ...I have to totally disagree with AAM on this.<br /><br />“is my wife's boss coming on to her?” is a bad title for this question because it doesn’t encompass all the questions that the OP about what the lunch invite meant. Something more like “Male boss asks my wife out to lunch, should I be concerned?” would have been better.<br /><br />Also, AAM didn’t really answer the question because there is a BIG difference between going out to lunch with a male colleague and your male boss and AAM flips between the two during her answer. I see nothing wrong with colleagues going out to lunch no matter the gender but going out to lunch with only your boss is different. Furthermore, I wouldn’t call a women and her male boss going out to lunch alone a “normal” relationship.<br /><br />My advice is to nicely decline the offer and be honest that it makes you feel uncomfortable and you don’t want people in the office to get the wrong idea. Either that or suggest to your boss that a group of you go to lunch instead.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-73223559471002243992009-12-30T07:14:58.076-05:002009-12-30T07:14:58.076-05:00What I got from the post was not a jealous husband...What I got from the post was not a jealous husband's question, but more of a woman worrying about how the lunch with the boss would be perceived by others at the office. Of course, everyone interprets things from their own experiences. In my office, when a male employee, let alone a boss takes a female employee out to lunch/happy hour drinks (what have you), let the gossipping begin. If I were married, I would not even think about doing this, only because it would likely raise questions from my colleagues, and not to my face. I felt like this was more about the wife's security with the situation and not the husband's need to control. It feels like everyone jumped on the bandwagon of the latter.<br /><br />Would it be rude for the wife to just, I don't know, pass? I mean, I have a female boss who has offered me lunch before, and I don't feel like it, I say no.YoungFemaleAssistantnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-61293309048229180982009-12-30T04:08:25.411-05:002009-12-30T04:08:25.411-05:00It might be 'out of the ordinary' for the ...It might be 'out of the ordinary' for the company, but the initial email said that the manager was new to the company.<br /><br />-EmAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-71267647041751762562009-12-29T22:33:20.370-05:002009-12-29T22:33:20.370-05:00I probably would guess that the boss isn't try...I probably would guess that the boss isn't trying to come on to the wife (at least, not from just inviting her to lunch), but I would have to say that the two of them going to lunch would probably raise some eyebrows amongst other staffers (if that is not common practice within their office).<br /><br />Yes, the other staffers should grow up and mind their own business but we all know that that's not how the real world works. I go to lunch with one of the supervisors in our office (though she is not my supervisor) and that gets the gossipers talking. They want to know why we go to lunch together so often. It's usually just once a month - hardly excessive. I have learned to ignore the pettiness of those staffers who clearly have nothing else to do but gossip.<br /><br />If your wife is okay with going to lunch alone with her boss, then she should. I probably wouldn't (with my boss) because I don't like making small talk and it would be awkward. But this doesn't have to do with the fact that my boss is male - just that I don't like awkward situations. However, if my boss offered to take me to lunch, I probably would not be able to decline (him being the boss afterall).Cassienoreply@blogger.com