tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post2336432489478925914..comments2023-09-29T06:09:21.089-04:00Comments on Ask a Manager: recruiter I met at career expo asked me on a date -- what do I do?Ask a Managerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05281942480230532899noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-53394166342495514912009-10-07T21:30:12.705-04:002009-10-07T21:30:12.705-04:00Agree with AAM, he asked the OP on a date, nothing...Agree with AAM, he asked the OP on a date, nothing more.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-83586564987837862472009-10-07T17:50:29.359-04:002009-10-07T17:50:29.359-04:00I'm glad someone asked this question because t...I'm glad someone asked this question because this is something that I've wondered about.<br /><br />Once you're no longer in college where it's pretty obvious exactly what relationship everyone has with each other, I wonder how people handle the waters getting murky. <br /><br />This situation sounds like a perfect example. It sounds to me like the questioner was asked on a date, which is fine. It also sounds like the questioner is more interested in career advancement than dating this guy, also fine.<br /><br />Even if she/he had realized it was a date request after the initial invitation, I feel like this puts her/him at a disadvantage for talking to him about career opportunities.<br /><br />I'm sure most people are nice and wouldn't take advantage of their position, but I imagine it's hard to want to help someone who just turned you down. Plus, as AAM pointed out in her answer: <br /><br />"... tell him candidly that you're not interested in a date but that you're really interested in his firm and would love to talk to him about business. (Of course, be aware that he may tell you he's fine with that when he really just intends to try to persuade you to change the nature of your interest.)"<br /><br />Even though the question doesn't make it sound like this man was being creepy or taking advantage, I would still be uncomfortable if someone at work told me I was beautiful. I would be still more uncomfortable if I told them I was only interested in a professional relationship and they tried to talk me out of it.<br /><br />Negociating this kind of situation seems tricky. I wish the original poster lots of luck.jmkenricknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-70581484695112792562009-10-07T16:36:38.051-04:002009-10-07T16:36:38.051-04:00Even though he didn't do anything wildly inapp...Even though he didn't do anything wildly inappropriate like pull his pants down and yell, I don't think its acceptable to do at a business function. Not because it reflects poorly on his employer, but merely because I would assume the majority of people there are in business mode. Looking to hit on people? Take it to the hotel bar, son.<br /><br />I probably would have done the same thing as you. I have HORRIBLE stair case wit and am really dense if someone is hitting on me, so I probably would have said "ok" and then on the way home thought "waaaait, was that a date?!" and then felt really awkward.<br /><br />It just seems like he is using his position at a large company to "impress" lovely ladies such as yourself. <br /><br />I don't know, if I am networking, I'm networking...not looking for a date.Zignoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-75297082871985276432009-10-07T14:43:13.795-04:002009-10-07T14:43:13.795-04:00if he's not using his "pull" as a BI...if he's not using his "pull" as a BIG 5er, why not just give the biz card re: his side business, which is more personal?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-91820948495940466612009-10-07T14:20:59.282-04:002009-10-07T14:20:59.282-04:00Since the name doesn't help much: this is a ma...Since the name doesn't help much: this is a male perspective.<br /><br />FWIW, my take...<br /><br />- The man asked you out on a date and nothing more. Men you just met rarely tell you you're beautiful and hope that you won't construe that as romantic interest.<br /><br />- I'll refute my own previous point and say that there are always exceptions. If he <b>is</b> the sort of guy that operates in a business manner that includes telling women they are beautiful, then run away regardless. (That's not someone you should want to engage in business <b>or</b> romance with.)<br /><br />- I don't see his asking you out as inappropriate for the reasons given by AAM and Kerry.<br /><br />- The venue could have been better, yes, but he may have been smitten with you and just didn't want to regret missing the opportunity. If he's like many guys these days, he had to work up the nerve to ask--which would also explain why he wasn't even more direct or clear about his intentions.<br /><br />- Or he casually asks out every pretty girl he sees. If you think you might be interested in a date (which I gather isn't the case anyway) figure that out sooner than later.<br /><br />- Definitely take it as a compliment!<br /><br />- If you're not interested in a date, you can just not call. He'll get it.<br /><br />- If you want to reach out but only to pursue business, I like Kerry's approach. Unfortunately, however, I might not expect much of a response.Sphaeronhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05775499148733952308noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-3230629649463345082009-10-07T13:26:48.928-04:002009-10-07T13:26:48.928-04:00He said you were beautiful. He was asking for a da...He said you were beautiful. He was asking for a date.<br /><br />I love Kerry's suggestion, but even if you clarify that you only wanted to network, and he agrees to lunch on those terms, I can't see it going anywhere business-wise.<br /><br />If you had asked someone on a lunch date, and they said (in effect) "Yes to lunch, but no to the date," you'd probably just want to run away from the awkwardness, not spend time networking with your crush.<br /><br />I might just blow it off and find a different contact at his company.Julie O'Malleyhttp://www.pongoresume.com/blogs/1/pongo.cfmnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-58491159052079240612009-10-07T11:58:34.077-04:002009-10-07T11:58:34.077-04:00^^ I agree. Most business transactions occur 1) ov...^^ I agree. Most business transactions occur 1) over a meal and 2) on the golf course.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-36423665192680070302009-10-07T10:31:01.666-04:002009-10-07T10:31:01.666-04:00I agree that putting things in writing is a very g...I agree that putting things in writing is a very good way of clarifying the situation and having something to back up each party. However, keep in mind that some employers do take candidates out for lunch and so do some networking folks. In fact, this becomes one of the newest trends. It's all in the tone of voice, body language, etc. There's no way to predict where it would all take, depending on the guy's personality. Hopefully, his e-mail would be more straight forward than his other approach.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-21425453480667972202009-10-07T10:26:43.118-04:002009-10-07T10:26:43.118-04:00Hah, sorry Kerry, I didn't read your comment u...Hah, sorry Kerry, I didn't read your comment until after I had posted mine.<br /><br />Looks like we share a similar view. It's my preference to use email just not to interrupt people at the wrong moment, but like you I think it's a personal choice.Chris Mnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-26926689580596197302009-10-07T10:24:29.148-04:002009-10-07T10:24:29.148-04:00AAM: I completely agree with your advice.
Anonymo...AAM: I completely agree with your advice.<br /><br />Anonymous who wrote to AAM: I think you are now trying to avoid the consequences of saying yes to a clear invitation to a personal lunch, by ignoring the exchange and writing to this person with a purely business intention.<br /><br />You are interested in the person only as a business contact, and it is fine, but I think that you have misled him to believe that you would also be open to getting to know him in a personal level.<br /><br />I think it's only fair that you clarify, saying something like this in your email:<br /><br />"Mr. X, I really enjoyed your speech, and look forward talking more about the business ideas X and Y you mentioned briefly as we spoke. I'm concerned though that I may have given you the wrong impression by accepting an invitation for lunch, if your intention wasn't to discuss these professional topics at the time you said we should talk more.<br /><br />I wouldn't want to waste your time, so I wanted to confirm whether you would be available to discuss potential opportunities at your firm, either at your office or over coffee blah blah blah."<br /><br />Basically, you would be acknowledging that you were caught off guard as you mentioned in your question, and clarifying the situation. I think this is much more professional than ignoring the situation and pretending you never accepted an invitation for lunch from someone who said you were beautiful and he would like to take you to lunch.<br /><br />As AAM pointed out, it doesn't sound like he exploited his job to influence you.wChris Mnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-11402774667847129042009-10-07T08:39:02.224-04:002009-10-07T08:39:02.224-04:00I totally agree with AAM. I met my husband at wor...I totally agree with AAM. I met my husband at work, and I dated lots of other guys I met at work. In fact, most everyone I dated was someone I met at work. Past a certain age, that's pretty much how it works for a lot of people.<br /><br />I also think that giving contact info via business card is pretty much how adults exchange contact info. I mean, I don't know anyone who has special non-business cards just for people they want to date. That would be weird. <br /><br />If you have a dating interest in this guy, go out with him. It sounds like you don't, though, so I think I would call (not email) and say something like:<br /><br />Listen, I want to clear something up, even though it's a little awkward. When you asked me to lunch, I wasn't sure if it was a social thing or a business thing. I'm definitely interested in working for your company, but I'm not dating right now, and I wanted to make sure I knew what sort of lunch this was. I suck at this stuff, and this is horribly awkward, but I just didn't want to make you uncomfortable or have it be weird or anything."<br /><br />If you think this will be too hard to do live, you could call when he's likely not there and leave him a voice mail (a chicken thing to do, to be sure...but that's probably what I'd do, because I DID suck at this stuff). I wouldn't email, just because I think some things are better done via voice...but that's just my preference.Kerry Scotthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17590443839479686201noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5558939360732260529.post-41521959441437332412009-10-07T00:08:09.998-04:002009-10-07T00:08:09.998-04:00Thank you for addressing my questions. I definite...Thank you for addressing my questions. I definitely needed another point of view. You made some reasonable points, which I will highlight at the end of this comment. <br /><br />First, I would like to add some facts to enlighten the situation. (I didn't want to make my initial email too long). <br /><br />1. The 2nd time he approached me was in the room where he was going to speak, while waiting for his time to start. He was going around the room saying hello to people and when we spoke, I asked him about some pointers on some business ideas and that's when he said, "we should definitely talk more." <br /><br />2. The contact information he gave me (I didn't give him my contact info) were 2 business cards. One was of his BIG 5 employer and the other was his side consulting business. <br /><br />3. He offered to take me out to lunch. I wasn't going to accept his lunch as a "date" and then spring it on him at the lunch that I'm only interested in a professional dynamic. That's why I asked how and what I should email him when making the contact. <br /><br />I'm highlighting 2 important points you made <br /><br />1) in relation to each other, he was in a "romantic overture" mode and I was in a networking/ professional mode<br /><br />2) getting aligned on terms <br /><br />From your response, I'm wondering if you're saying I should simply write a professional email and not address the "lunch" date. i.e. just say I'd appreciate the chance to discuss potential opportunities at his company. <br /><br />Specific phrases and any other/additional thoughts welcome... actually, they would really help. <br /><br />I appreciate your responses. Thank you.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com